Afternoon Tea

We're still in a little limbo with the adoption situation.  Our attorney came down with the flu, so we haven't had a chance to talk with her about it all.  Hopefully we'll have some insight after talking to her tomorrow... But for now, let me share about my adventure yesterday.

I've written about my good friends Bridget and Jamie several times, and recently wrote a post all about them.  These girls are my rock in so many ways, so I was thrilled to get the chance to be part of Bridget's birthday surprise along with Jamie.  Bridget's husband arranged the entire thing, and it was such an honor to be included.

Jamie and I headed into the city on the train and enjoyed some great conversation along the way.  We had plenty of time to get to our destination, so we decided to walk from the train station.  We took the very scenic route, but had the chance to see parts of the city we hadn't seen in awhile.  We managed to stay out of the shady parts for the most part.  :)  My legs and ankles are pretty sore still today, though.  I wasn't wearing walking shoes since we were heading to a nice location!

We arrived at The Drake Hotel on Michigan Avenue in plenty of time to look around and take in the sights of the lobby.  Jamie ended up running into one of her daughter's friends who was also there for afternoon tea.  Bridget arrived shortly after we did, and almost didn't notice us in the lobby.  We had asked her what she was doing for the weekend, and she had no idea we were in on the secret.  She was brought to the tea by one of her friends from college, and her best friend since high school joined us as well.

It was quite a lovely time.  There is a harp player and beautiful flowers everywhere. There weren't many men in the restaurant... at least that weren't working.  We had our choice of about 30 different teas and each chose a different one.  They delivered a tower of treats with mini sandwiches, scones, and delicious little deserts.  I think my favorite was the banana bread.  It was amazing with the clotted cream (which I had no idea was as divine as it is!)

It was such a girly afternoon.  We laughed and of course had some inappropriate jokes along the way.  We enjoyed the ambiance and the company.  It was so fun to see Bridget so utterly surprised and truly loving every moment of the time we had together.  This was something she had mentioned in passing to her husband about wanting to do, and he ran with it.  I can't say that it was even on my radar to do, but I am so glad I had the experience and look forward to doing it again with friends in the future. 

Here are the girls at the table... it's not a great photo, but I love that it shows the ambiance of it all!

The Birthday girl in awe of the tower of treats

The remnants of the tower... and I am pretty sure we finished off most of what you see here!

Assume the Good

My new life motto seems to be developing into something along the lines of "assume the good"

I'm trying to focus on the good, and focus on the belief that people come from a place of good.  I'm trying to focus on the positives in people, rather than the negatives that are so easy to spot.  I'm trying to believe that everything has good within.  I'm trying to see the good in a situation, even when all I want to do is kick and scream.

Notice that I am saying try.  This is something that is really hard for me. We've been through so much, and the current limbo is no different. 

I can't focus on the negative.  There's just too much negative in the world right now.  There's so much negativity being thrown out in the current political campaign season.  Teachers are being scrutinized and the morale in most public schools is at an all time low.  My school is no different.  There's negativity all around, and as a society we are quick to assume the worst in others. 

Chris and I have a long time debate on whether I am a "pessimist" or a "realist."  I like the latter of those- but now I am really trying to shift even further into the land of optimism.  I want to not only assume the good in others... but I want to be a positive force in the world around me. 

So that is where I am trying so very hard to shift my life.  I'm going to assume the good. And I might get stung in the process, but that will only allow me to grow. 

the highs and the LOWs

It's been another day on the roller coaster.  And I despise roller coasters.

Chris got a text from M today with a photo of her daughter and telling us how much she really liked us and wanted to move forward with us.  We were feeling pretty excited and starting to really think that things might really finally be falling into place.  She hadn't had a cell phone before today, and was excited to be able to contact us this way.  We left her our cell numbers when we met on Tuesday so that she could directly talk with us.  It felt like the right thing to do...

I knew our attorney was going to try to talk with her today to lay out some of the financial aspects and outline what is allowable under IL law.  While IL law is pretty liberal and there is no real cap, there are limits.  And there are limits to what Chris and I are comfortable with paying.  We can provide for a child, but we don't have excessive amounts of disposable income.  (Wouldn't life be so much easier if we all did?!)

Let's just say that the phone call with our attorney didn't go well and that I got a call from M furious with what our attorney told her.  I explained that we are at the "mercy" of our attorney to protect us all and make sure we are following what the law says.  I told her I don't know all of the intricacies of the law, but that I would talk to my attorney and get back to M.  She did tell me many times how much she really likes us, and that we are the nicest people she has ever met.

I spoke to our attorney and she feels that what M is looking for in expenses is way beyond what Chris and I are capable (or willing) to provide.  M is also unrealistic in her expectations.  It has become clear that M is focused on the financial aspect of this adoption.  While in our hearts, we really feel that she is being given lots of misinformation from those around her, we know that this may not be the right situation for us.

We have decided that Chris will call and talk with her tomorrow.  M seems to do better when talking to him.  We are going to put all of our "cards" on the table and share that we would love to work with her and enjoyed meeting her.  However, we will only be able to provide the support outlined under  the law and with what we are comfortable with.  We know that might very well mean that we are walking away from this situation. 

I've had the knock down temper tantrum tonight.  I'm sad.  I'm mad.  Just once, I'd like the universe to humor us and allow us a nice smooth scenic train ride.  Nope... we're on the roller coaster.

It's not over just yet, but my hope is waning.

Limbo induced anxiety

I'm feeling very anxious.  There isn't anything in particular.  I think the events of the past few days are just starting to sink in.  I'm feeling pretty distracted and almost feel like my thoughts are vibrating.  I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment.   I am keeping at all together on the outside, and least I think I am.  :)  I just can't imagine feeling like this for the next several months!

We haven't talked to our attorney today.  I texted her earlier this afternoon and she replied that she hadn't been able to get in contact with the expectant mom, M.  It could be that M just doesn't know our attorney's number and didn't pick up.  I am not going to stress about it.  (ok, maybe there's a little in that first paragraph that says differently)  Chris has said he will call M tomorrow and let her know what our attorney's number is in the hopes that she will pick up.

It's no secret that I am not a fan of limbo land.  And once again I find myself in just such a state.  And in all reality, will be in this limbo of one sort or another until we finally have a child in our arms.  I suppose I need to come to terms with it.  And let's face it- I've been in limbo land for more than a decade.  I just want to know that it will all be worth it in the end- all the pain, all the heartache, all the limbo when we finally become parents.

For those of you who've survived the wait and limbo- any words of advice? 

Please keep positive thoughts coming our way.

Alive and Well :)

I am happy to report that Chris and I are alive and well. 

The meeting today went very well.  The entire process is so surreal, and there's just no way to prepare for it.  We brought some lunch as well as some cookies from my favorite bakery.  We also left a copy of our photo book for her with our direct contact info included.  We spent most of the time talking and there weren't any really lulls in conversation.  She has an adorable 6 month old daughter that both Chris and I held and played with. 

She gave us a DVD of photos from her last u/s to bring home and look at.  We were able to open them up on our laptop on our way home and saw a beautiful baby with identifying information that gave us some confirmation of her pregnancy.  We'll still want to get official confirmation from her OB before we move forward, but we are felling much better after talking with her.  The u/s confirms how far along she told us she is, but doesn't match the due date.  We think we know where that confusion is coming from. 

There are still some underlying questions about the amount of financial support she is hoping to get and what is allowable under the law.  We were honest with her that we will only support her under the laws of our state but also said that our attorney is the expert on all of that and will be the one to talk with her about the specifics of the law.

She did ask some questions about us, and we did share about our infertility and the fact that I have had several miscarriages in the past few years.  I did feel like she made a connection to us, and I do feel that this could be a good match.  There's just some details that will need to unfold.

When we left she asked what the next step would be.  She had contacted other couples, but they all emailed rather than called.  She doesn't have regular access to email, so I am glad we made the leap to call!  She spoke with some of the local agencies, and didn't like what they had to tell her.  We did share that in order for us to go forward, we will be working with our agency and that they will assign her a social worker to work with her.  We feel strongly that counseling must be part of the process, and in order to receive financial support in IL, you really need to be working with an agency. 

So... our attorney will speak with her tomorrow.  If it looks like she wants to proceed with us, we will contact the agency and pay our expectant mother fee to them to get the ball rolling.  We haven't involved the agency just yet as we didn't want to pay the fee and then end up not using them.  We might have to start some serious fundraising efforts to cover the living expenses and costs, but if that is what it takes, we will make it work. 

Feeling hopeful but guarded tonight.  My heart has already fallen in love, but my head is staying strong.  Thank you for all the love and support... please keep it coming!

First Meeting Tuesday

Thank you for all of your comments on my last post.  We're in a little bit of a holding pattern for a few days.  We weren't able to get something scheduled for this weekend.  Chris wasn't able to get a hold of her until yesterday.  She was a little confused when Chris talked to her and couldn't remember when she had last talked to him.  Trying hard not to focus on the red flags, but also being very cautious. 

She agreed for us to come out to meet her on Tuesday afternoon.  My week is crazy busy with work, but Tuesday was the lightest day for me.  She asked that we come directly to her house and gave us her address.  This makes me a little nervous, but also shows that she isn't shy in giving us information about herself.  I would have really preferred to meet at a neutral location, but she told Chris she doesn't have a car and would rather not pack up her baby to go out.  (She also has a 6 month old daughter...)  I have a call in to our attorney to get some guidance, but for now we are set to go.

We are hoping that once we talk with her in person, we will get a better feel as to where she is coming from and if she is willing to work with us under the guidelines we are comfortable with.  Both our attorney and Chris got the feeling that she is very committed to an adoption plan.  She didn't mention anything about financial support to Chris when he talked to her yesterday.  I am also thinking about having our attorney talk with her and lay out the legal aspects, etc before we meet with her on Tuesday if possible. I'd rather have all of the financial discussion come from our attorney and we can have discussions about everything else.  

So- for anyone out there who has done this before... any words of wisdom?  Things you wish you knew before your first meeting?  And then there's the big question... what do I wear?!  :)  Would you take flowers?  a small gift for her daughter?  We'll take a copy of our photo book for her to keep.

Worst case?  We are out the gas to drive to see her and the time.  Hoping that we are able to have a better sense of whether or not she is really making an adoption plan for reasons we are comfortable with and if we can see ourselves having a relationship with her for the next several months and beyond.

(Ok, there's a little tiny part of me that is afraid that you will all read about us on the news after we are chopped into little bits and buried in the backyard... )  In all seriousness, I am nervous and excited.  Not sure how I am going to get any work done between now and then!

Keep the good strong thoughts coming!

Holding my Heart

My heart is quite literally in my throat right now.  We're hoping to meet with an expectant mom tomorrow.  There are so many things that are right about this situation.  Just one of those is the fact she is located in our home state within a few hours.  We wouldn't have to deal with ICPC and the added expenses of an out of state placement.

However, there are lots of red flags.  Lots of things that just don't feel quite right.  The mom is very focused on the financial support she'd like to get from us.  She has some VERY unusual requests- in fact our attorney has never had such requests in all her 20+ years as an adoption attorney.  She didn't really ask any questions about Chris and I and was more into "selling" us on herself.  My biggest concern is that she isn't looking to adoption for the right reasons, and is hoping to make some financial gains rather than find a family to raise her child.

She found our information through the internet and contacted our attorney through our 888 number.  My attorney spoke to her at length and then passed on her information to me.  I called her and had a similiar conversation to that my attorney had.  Chris spoke to her today, and she didn't mention anything about financial support to him at all.  He was supposed to reiterate what both the attorney and I told her- that we will support her financially in any way legally allowable under Illinois law.  He never got a chance, as money ever came up in the conversation.

We both feel VERY strongly that we will will only work within the law and ethical guidelines for our adoption, however that comes to be.  Our attorney has been great in guiding us and also has very high ethics, which is why we chose her.  We know that should this expectant mom decide that she won't budge on her demands, there are people out there that don't necessarily have the same level of ethics that we do.

After talking with our attorney, we are planning to try to meet with her this weekend in person.  Chris feels strongly that he will get a better read when talking to her in person.  There are some inconsistencies in what she has told us her due date is and how many weeks along she says she is.  She also told Chris today that she wants a completely closed adoption and doesn't understand why we would even tell our child they were adopted.  This doesn't sit well with us, and is something we'd need to explore further. 

I'm trying to believe that she is coming from a place of good and that we won't get scammed.  My heart is so fragile after all we've been through that I just have to hold it tight.   We have some big decisions to make about if and how to move forward with this possible situation.  If anyone has words of wisdom for us, please share or feel free to email us.  

Please keep us in your thoughts!  This is a first for us... meeting someone in person.  What a strange experience in the best of cases.  I'm hoping to do a little research tonight on how to best prepare for our meeting should it happen. And I'm going to hold my heart just a little harder.