I'm home and feeling ok. I did get some good drugs in recovery after I had some pretty intense cramping. There were some minor issues with pre/post op but the procedure itself went fine. The OB felt that there was enough tissue for testing. Hoping to have some answers, but given our history, I'm not holding my breath.
Really hoping that I'll finally be able to get some sleep. But so far I can't seem to actually fall asleep.
The OB gave me an Rx for antibiotics and pain meds as well as another drug to doped healing. The nurses also warned me that my hormones will plummet now and I should be prepared to be weepy for a few days.
Thank you again for the outpouring of love and support. I am so very grateful for this community.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Confirmation and Gratitude
Thank you for everyone who took the time to post a comment about what to expect. I was able to read them through the day and it made a tough day much easier with each comment. We are having the D&C done at the hospital in the same day surgery unit. We have asked for chromosome testing and will reiterate that tomorrow. That was one of my reasons for doing the D&C as well as the fact that the last miscarriage took forever to resolve. As far as pain management, I have some "good stuff" that Dr Sch prescribed when I went through my last m/c naturally so I will have that on hand if needed.
When I talked to the nurse from the surgery center, I asked about getting an u/s right before the D&C just for my peace of mind. She said she would call my OB and see what she could do. The OB's nurse called me back and told me that it would be really hard to do right before the procedure since it is so early tomorrow, but that I could come into the office this afternoon. They could get me in mid afternoon. That meant I had to hustle to get my sub plans done but it all worked out in the end.
The tech was very kind and explained everything on the screen to me. I needed the confirmation now that I have had the time to let it all sink in. I was able to get the peace of mind I needed from the u/s today to go forward with the D&C. It is very clear that the pregnancy is no longer viable.
I am nervous about the actual procedure, but feel better after reading all of your comments. I am trying to get everything in order so that I can relax at home the rest of the week. I needed to go to my happy place after the u/s so of course I made a stop at Tar.get. I bought myself a nice fluffy blanket to snuggle up on the couch for the next few days. It's in the washing machine right now so that it will be nice and clean and smell like snuggle. Also making some comfort food for dinner- I have a meatloaf in the oven right now. That along with some good ol' Kr.aft Mac N Cheese should provide some nourishment for my body and soul.
My students were absolutely obnoxious today- making it much easier to swallow being away for another week. I am a little concerned about behavior but I have several colleagues checking in on them.
Please think good thoughts for me tomorrow at 8:30 CST. I'll try to post tomorrow afternoon depending on how I am feeling. Thank you again for all of the outpouring of love and support. It means the world to me.
When I talked to the nurse from the surgery center, I asked about getting an u/s right before the D&C just for my peace of mind. She said she would call my OB and see what she could do. The OB's nurse called me back and told me that it would be really hard to do right before the procedure since it is so early tomorrow, but that I could come into the office this afternoon. They could get me in mid afternoon. That meant I had to hustle to get my sub plans done but it all worked out in the end.
The tech was very kind and explained everything on the screen to me. I needed the confirmation now that I have had the time to let it all sink in. I was able to get the peace of mind I needed from the u/s today to go forward with the D&C. It is very clear that the pregnancy is no longer viable.
I am nervous about the actual procedure, but feel better after reading all of your comments. I am trying to get everything in order so that I can relax at home the rest of the week. I needed to go to my happy place after the u/s so of course I made a stop at Tar.get. I bought myself a nice fluffy blanket to snuggle up on the couch for the next few days. It's in the washing machine right now so that it will be nice and clean and smell like snuggle. Also making some comfort food for dinner- I have a meatloaf in the oven right now. That along with some good ol' Kr.aft Mac N Cheese should provide some nourishment for my body and soul.
My students were absolutely obnoxious today- making it much easier to swallow being away for another week. I am a little concerned about behavior but I have several colleagues checking in on them.
Please think good thoughts for me tomorrow at 8:30 CST. I'll try to post tomorrow afternoon depending on how I am feeling. Thank you again for all of the outpouring of love and support. It means the world to me.
What to expect?
Quick post from my phone. Can some of you who've had a d&c tell me what to expect? I've talked to surgical nurse and I'll thankfully be in day surgery not l&d for the procedure. What can I expect pain wise? How does it compare to a retrieval? (other than the obvious happy vs sad part)
Thanks! Starting to freak out a little.
Thanks! Starting to freak out a little.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
heartbroken
Sadly, yesterday's ultrasound showed that the heartbeat has stopped. The gestational sac is measuring right on track now, and the bleed is smaller, but our little bean lost the fight. I am scheduled for a D& C on Tuesday morning. I don't want to repeat the beta hell of the summer and I just can't deal with waiting for a natural m/c at this point. The irony of it all is that I am barely spotting at all anymore.
We are heartbroken to say the least. All of this just doesn't make sense. We spent ten years not being able to get pregnant, even with medical intervention. And now I can get pregnant- three times in 15 months, all ending in miscarriage. Each time we get a little farther than the last time- which is a special kind of torture.
I don't know how much two people can take. We had so many people praying and hoping for us once again. There were candles, rosaries, prayer warriors, you name it. And yet here we are again.
We're strong and we'll get through this like we always do. I'm just tired of having to be strong. Just once I'd like to catch a break. On the adoption front, the social worker in FL won't return calls to our attorney. So- looks like that is also a lost cause.
How did we go from hoping for two little miracles to none in less than a week? And please don't tell me that the right match is out there and that this is all God's plan. I just can't take that right now. For those of you who've "crossed over" please give your little ones an extra tight hug today and remember what a true gift each and every one of them are.
We are heartbroken to say the least. All of this just doesn't make sense. We spent ten years not being able to get pregnant, even with medical intervention. And now I can get pregnant- three times in 15 months, all ending in miscarriage. Each time we get a little farther than the last time- which is a special kind of torture.
I don't know how much two people can take. We had so many people praying and hoping for us once again. There were candles, rosaries, prayer warriors, you name it. And yet here we are again.
We're strong and we'll get through this like we always do. I'm just tired of having to be strong. Just once I'd like to catch a break. On the adoption front, the social worker in FL won't return calls to our attorney. So- looks like that is also a lost cause.
How did we go from hoping for two little miracles to none in less than a week? And please don't tell me that the right match is out there and that this is all God's plan. I just can't take that right now. For those of you who've "crossed over" please give your little ones an extra tight hug today and remember what a true gift each and every one of them are.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Another week on the roller coaster
Today's u/s was probably the longest one I've ever had. To the point that my legs started to have muscle spasms. The tech was trying to be very thorough. I like this tech the best and he is always kind and likes to joke to break the tension.
The news wasn't the update we were hoping for. The SCH has grown and is approximately 6 cm long. The gestational sac is still abnormally shaped and is only measuring 6w3d. We were at 6w1d last Monday, so not the growth we were hoping for. The heartbeat was only 92- so well below what we would hope for this point.
We met with another one of the partners at the OB office. I really liked him. He was kind and took the time to sit and answer all of our questions. He apologized that he didn't have more clear answers for us. He told us its really a wait and see and the good news is that there is a heartbeat and that we saw growth. The challenges are the abnormal shape of the sac, the size of the SCH, and the slow growth/heartbeat.
After talking with him, we decided that I will go back to work tomorrow. I haven't had a red bleed for more than a week and staying on bed rest didn't get us a smaller SCH. I'm going to take it easy and try to stay off my feet as much as possible. If I start having red bleeding, I'll come back home and we'll go from there. I am planning to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to pack and prepare for going back to work. Trying to pack enough snacks and a change of clothes...just in case.
We talked with him about the possibility of having to go to Florida. He said he wasn't concerned about the flight itself, but being away from medical care. He said he wouldn't say not to go and suggested that I call if we get THE call and get an u/s before I go.
Chris and I have decided we're going to fight and not give up just yet. We still have a heartbeat and what appears to be a fighter little bean. That's all we can do at this point. It's going to hurt like hell to lost this fight, but we have to give it all we've got.
We go back for a repeat u/s on Friday when our OB is in the office. We should hear something about the adoption by then too. It's going to be a really long week.
The news wasn't the update we were hoping for. The SCH has grown and is approximately 6 cm long. The gestational sac is still abnormally shaped and is only measuring 6w3d. We were at 6w1d last Monday, so not the growth we were hoping for. The heartbeat was only 92- so well below what we would hope for this point.
We met with another one of the partners at the OB office. I really liked him. He was kind and took the time to sit and answer all of our questions. He apologized that he didn't have more clear answers for us. He told us its really a wait and see and the good news is that there is a heartbeat and that we saw growth. The challenges are the abnormal shape of the sac, the size of the SCH, and the slow growth/heartbeat.
After talking with him, we decided that I will go back to work tomorrow. I haven't had a red bleed for more than a week and staying on bed rest didn't get us a smaller SCH. I'm going to take it easy and try to stay off my feet as much as possible. If I start having red bleeding, I'll come back home and we'll go from there. I am planning to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to pack and prepare for going back to work. Trying to pack enough snacks and a change of clothes...just in case.
We talked with him about the possibility of having to go to Florida. He said he wasn't concerned about the flight itself, but being away from medical care. He said he wouldn't say not to go and suggested that I call if we get THE call and get an u/s before I go.
Chris and I have decided we're going to fight and not give up just yet. We still have a heartbeat and what appears to be a fighter little bean. That's all we can do at this point. It's going to hurt like hell to lost this fight, but we have to give it all we've got.
We go back for a repeat u/s on Friday when our OB is in the office. We should hear something about the adoption by then too. It's going to be a really long week.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Exhale
I felt like I was holding my breath all day yesterday. I was finally able to exhale when we heard from our attorney last night.
After some harried phone calls to our social worker and the main office of the agency, we got our paperwork off to Florida. Our SW only works part time so it was a little challenge to contact her. In the end, we have a new direct number that should allow us to get a hold of her when we need to in the future.
Our attorney finally got in contact with the CC Social Worker in Florida. She hadn't been to her office, so wasn't even sure if she had gotten our paperwork. Grrr. They are still working on serving the baby's father his papers. Our attorney was told that nothing would be decided until mid week. In my heart, I feel that the local agency will probably place with someone local that they are working with. My heart is breaking thinking about this little angel in the nursery waiting for someone to be her forever mom. She'll be released today and we've been told and will go to a temporary placement. Again, my heart aches for this little one and part of me hopes that if she is going to be placed locally that the temporary placement ends up being her forever family. I've never met this little one, and yet all I can think about is what is best for her already and worry about if she is being loved and held and cooed over this very moment. My heart aches to hold her in my own arms, but I know that we will be ok if she is meant to be with another family. Please continue to hold all those who are making decisions for this sweet little angel in your thoughts and prayers.
Chris has always been against "being prepared" because we just don't really know what a situation could end up being. But after the excitement of the last day or so, I am thinking that just maybe it wouldn't hurt to stock up on just a few essentials. Thank you for all of your sweet suggestions and comments on the last post. I have a few wishlists on Am.azon and Tar.get full of your suggestions. Trying not to get too far ahead of myself, but it was nice to spend some time browsing and reading about baby products. And just maybe they are things I might use in say 8 months if this pregnancy continues. (Whoa, did I really say that out loud?!)
I am feeling very optimistic about Monday's ultrasound. I do spend time trying to play out different scenarios in my head just to feel prepared for whatever it holds. Does anyone else do that? I try to imagine every way that things could go wrong just so I can react in my own head before having to do it for real. I guess that's what years of infertility does to you.
Feeling crampy on and off and it scares me. But then I consult Dr. Goo.gle and it appears that this can all be normal. Still only very little dark brown spotting on the TP, so trying to feel reassured by that. The nausea seems to be here to stay and is definitely impacted by my eating schedule. I have learned that I HAVE to eat before I feel hungry.
Trying to stay zen and hopeful, but realistic. I know that each and every moment makes me more and more vulnerable. Please let this finally be our year... and maybe even times two?
After some harried phone calls to our social worker and the main office of the agency, we got our paperwork off to Florida. Our SW only works part time so it was a little challenge to contact her. In the end, we have a new direct number that should allow us to get a hold of her when we need to in the future.
Our attorney finally got in contact with the CC Social Worker in Florida. She hadn't been to her office, so wasn't even sure if she had gotten our paperwork. Grrr. They are still working on serving the baby's father his papers. Our attorney was told that nothing would be decided until mid week. In my heart, I feel that the local agency will probably place with someone local that they are working with. My heart is breaking thinking about this little angel in the nursery waiting for someone to be her forever mom. She'll be released today and we've been told and will go to a temporary placement. Again, my heart aches for this little one and part of me hopes that if she is going to be placed locally that the temporary placement ends up being her forever family. I've never met this little one, and yet all I can think about is what is best for her already and worry about if she is being loved and held and cooed over this very moment. My heart aches to hold her in my own arms, but I know that we will be ok if she is meant to be with another family. Please continue to hold all those who are making decisions for this sweet little angel in your thoughts and prayers.
Chris has always been against "being prepared" because we just don't really know what a situation could end up being. But after the excitement of the last day or so, I am thinking that just maybe it wouldn't hurt to stock up on just a few essentials. Thank you for all of your sweet suggestions and comments on the last post. I have a few wishlists on Am.azon and Tar.get full of your suggestions. Trying not to get too far ahead of myself, but it was nice to spend some time browsing and reading about baby products. And just maybe they are things I might use in say 8 months if this pregnancy continues. (Whoa, did I really say that out loud?!)
I am feeling very optimistic about Monday's ultrasound. I do spend time trying to play out different scenarios in my head just to feel prepared for whatever it holds. Does anyone else do that? I try to imagine every way that things could go wrong just so I can react in my own head before having to do it for real. I guess that's what years of infertility does to you.
Feeling crampy on and off and it scares me. But then I consult Dr. Goo.gle and it appears that this can all be normal. Still only very little dark brown spotting on the TP, so trying to feel reassured by that. The nausea seems to be here to stay and is definitely impacted by my eating schedule. I have learned that I HAVE to eat before I feel hungry.
Trying to stay zen and hopeful, but realistic. I know that each and every moment makes me more and more vulnerable. Please let this finally be our year... and maybe even times two?
Friday, January 27, 2012
Maybe 2012 will be the year...
I think that the cosmos seriously like playing with my life. Someone is quite entertained by the events of our life.
Still hanging in there with only very light spotting and sick to my stomach most of the day. Being a good girl and trying to stay off my feet. Made the decision to keep the Monday u/s appointment. It will give us a full week of rest and hopefully we will see some nice growth in the heartrate and decrease in the SCH.
You would think that would be enough excitement for us, right? Not so fast.
Our attorney called us in a frenzy last night.
There's a baby girl in Florida that was born this week and mother wants to place. She hasn't chosen a family and someone from the hospital called our 800 number. Turns out, that the woman who called is the mother of one of Chris' former coaches classmates. (Did you get that?) She had our business card through the coach and when she heard about this mother, she immediately thought of us.
Initially, it sounded like that as long as we said yes, it was going to happen. It now appears that there is a local social service agency involved. We have to get our homestudy faxed out to Florida to the caseworker this morning. It also appears that the mother is not interested in making the choice herself. The nurse who contacted us in talking with her again today in the hopes that she can share a little more about us and help the mom make a decision that is best for her and her child. We have a feeling that if the mom doesn't make a choice herself, that the local agency will choose one of their waiting families.
Could this really be happening? We are hoping and wishing that if this little girl is meant to be part of our family, it will be. And if she isn't then we hope that she finds the perfect family.
Let's not even start about the fact that we aren't necessarily financially prepared to fly across the country and stay there for a week or more. We've been lax on our adoption savings and have focused on advertising, not saving money for an immediate placement. And then there's my current pregnancy situation. But again, I am trying to have faith that if this is meant to be, it will be. We'll figure it all out.
We own not a single baby item. I just couldn't have it in the house after all these years. I don't know the first thing about caring for a newborn. And I am sick to my stomach most of the day right now. But again, if it is meant to be, it will be.
That's very zen of me, isn't it? Take that universe!
Please keep this mother and all those making the decisions in your thoughts and prayers. And let's all hope that I can keep the zen through all of this.
Still hanging in there with only very light spotting and sick to my stomach most of the day. Being a good girl and trying to stay off my feet. Made the decision to keep the Monday u/s appointment. It will give us a full week of rest and hopefully we will see some nice growth in the heartrate and decrease in the SCH.
You would think that would be enough excitement for us, right? Not so fast.
Our attorney called us in a frenzy last night.
There's a baby girl in Florida that was born this week and mother wants to place. She hasn't chosen a family and someone from the hospital called our 800 number. Turns out, that the woman who called is the mother of one of Chris' former coaches classmates. (Did you get that?) She had our business card through the coach and when she heard about this mother, she immediately thought of us.
Initially, it sounded like that as long as we said yes, it was going to happen. It now appears that there is a local social service agency involved. We have to get our homestudy faxed out to Florida to the caseworker this morning. It also appears that the mother is not interested in making the choice herself. The nurse who contacted us in talking with her again today in the hopes that she can share a little more about us and help the mom make a decision that is best for her and her child. We have a feeling that if the mom doesn't make a choice herself, that the local agency will choose one of their waiting families.
Could this really be happening? We are hoping and wishing that if this little girl is meant to be part of our family, it will be. And if she isn't then we hope that she finds the perfect family.
Let's not even start about the fact that we aren't necessarily financially prepared to fly across the country and stay there for a week or more. We've been lax on our adoption savings and have focused on advertising, not saving money for an immediate placement. And then there's my current pregnancy situation. But again, I am trying to have faith that if this is meant to be, it will be. We'll figure it all out.
We own not a single baby item. I just couldn't have it in the house after all these years. I don't know the first thing about caring for a newborn. And I am sick to my stomach most of the day right now. But again, if it is meant to be, it will be.
That's very zen of me, isn't it? Take that universe!
Please keep this mother and all those making the decisions in your thoughts and prayers. And let's all hope that I can keep the zen through all of this.
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