I'm not sure what to think at this point. I hope some of you can shed some light and some hope our way.
We had our u/s today and there clearly is a gestational sac. Good news as this means that I am no longer on "red alert" status for a possible ectopic. However, the sac is measuring small. Today showed little growth from the last u/s- but that was ONLY THREE DAYS AGO. The sac is measuring at 4w2d.
The other concern is my beta. The beta only went up to 2300 on Monday from 1800 on Saturday. Yes, it is a rise... but nowhere near doubling. The OB said he would have liked it to be higher, but he is happy it is continuing to rise and reminded me that they stop doubling at some point.
Since I have NO IDEA when I ovulated, I don't have a clue where I am at. Of course looking at Dr Goo.gle, hcg of 2300 is high for 4w2d (which would be 16dpo, right?)
This is the second tech to tell me I have a slight bicornute uterus. Um, what? Apparently they think I have some sort of septum? This was never discussed at CC.RM and I have a really hard time thinking that this is something they missed while I was there. Really? Anyone else think that is strange? Tech also said that the sac is very far to the right.
I have no spotting. The cramping is gone. The girls are still sore. I felt like crap all day today.
I don't know what to think. Anyone have any wise words or stories of hope?
Repeat labs on Thursday. If numbers are still going up, then repeat u/s in two weeks.
Can't we just get a clear answer?!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Today's OB Appt
Today's appointment was much more relaxed. I really do like the OB. He is older and experienced, but also willing to do what I need to feel assured. Saturday's labs were at 1800, which is shy of doubling. However, the OB is not concerned as it wasn't 48 hours inbetween. Thursday's test was in the afternoon, and Saturday was first thing in the morning. I am not going to worry about that. I am not going to worry about that... Do I sound like I mean that? :)
They did the full initial OB appointment today which meant 5 vials of blood as well as my vitals. My blood pressure was actually lower than I expected. :) He also talked about the fact that he has every intention of sending me to the MFM practice when I hit 12 weeks. I like that I didn't have to bring that up and that he is thinking ahead. He wanted to do a pap today since it has been over a year, but when I was concerned- he told me we would wait until March or so. I know it isn't really going to cause issues, but I just don't want to risk any extra activity down there right now. He was VERY receptive, so that made me feel even more confident in his care.
He is cautiously optimistic at this point. I am still at risk for an ectopic due to my history. I don't have any signs or symptoms, but he really wants to error on the side of caution. So- as long as my beta comes back at 3600 or so today I am back tomorrow for another u/s. I flinched at first- I just don't know if I can handle another inconclusive ultrasound. But he feels strongly that we SHOULD see a gestational sac if my beta is over 3000 and needs to rule out an ectopic. He said he would put me at the last slot- giving it as long as possible. He will be in the office tomorrow afternoon and will meet with us after the u/s.
He thinks that we are at about 5 weeks- so it is REALLY early still. When we did the "math" that makes sense. :) However, when you look at my last period, it seems like I should be closer to 8 weeks. It is getting frustrating explaining this to every medical professional. I am hoping that it is the original u/s tech tomorrow who already knows my story. I am sure I will have to explain yet again. But I have now had my "official" first appointment, so hopefully all of the confusion with that is over.
So please keep the positive thinking and good thoughts coming. The u/s is scheduled for 4:30 tomorrow. Hoping we will finally have some good news.
They did the full initial OB appointment today which meant 5 vials of blood as well as my vitals. My blood pressure was actually lower than I expected. :) He also talked about the fact that he has every intention of sending me to the MFM practice when I hit 12 weeks. I like that I didn't have to bring that up and that he is thinking ahead. He wanted to do a pap today since it has been over a year, but when I was concerned- he told me we would wait until March or so. I know it isn't really going to cause issues, but I just don't want to risk any extra activity down there right now. He was VERY receptive, so that made me feel even more confident in his care.
He is cautiously optimistic at this point. I am still at risk for an ectopic due to my history. I don't have any signs or symptoms, but he really wants to error on the side of caution. So- as long as my beta comes back at 3600 or so today I am back tomorrow for another u/s. I flinched at first- I just don't know if I can handle another inconclusive ultrasound. But he feels strongly that we SHOULD see a gestational sac if my beta is over 3000 and needs to rule out an ectopic. He said he would put me at the last slot- giving it as long as possible. He will be in the office tomorrow afternoon and will meet with us after the u/s.
He thinks that we are at about 5 weeks- so it is REALLY early still. When we did the "math" that makes sense. :) However, when you look at my last period, it seems like I should be closer to 8 weeks. It is getting frustrating explaining this to every medical professional. I am hoping that it is the original u/s tech tomorrow who already knows my story. I am sure I will have to explain yet again. But I have now had my "official" first appointment, so hopefully all of the confusion with that is over.
So please keep the positive thinking and good thoughts coming. The u/s is scheduled for 4:30 tomorrow. Hoping we will finally have some good news.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
One more day
Thank you for all of your comments on my last post. It means so much to have so many of you cheering and supporting us from around the web. To those of you who've been in my shoes... thank you so much for sharing your stories and letting me know that I am not alone in my feelings.
I am feeling better today. I am having some feelings of guilt about my rant yesterday about not wanting to do this. I have irrational fears that my emotions yesterday will cause this pregnancy to end in miscarriage. Now my rational side knows how crazy that sounds. Really, I do. I spent some time thinking this morning and trying to convince the "cosmos" how much Chris and I really do want this pregnancy to stick. (I have some serious faith issues- thus the reason for cosmos rather than G.od) There, I admit it. I really want this to work. But I also know in my heart that we are meant to adopt. I'm not going to try to fight those two feelings right now. I'm trying to just let go and embrace whatever the next few days/weeks/months hold.
I did spend some time being creative in my studio. I am taking an online class and it felt good to create for myself. I haven't done that it months. With our etsy store funding our adoption, so much of my creative time has been spent stocking my store and filling orders. I am so thankful that I am able to use my creative talents to raise much needed funds. But it feels so good to create just for the sake of creating. I'm hoping to steal some time tomorrow to get some cards made up for the etsy store too.
I am trying so hard not to obcess about symptoms and such. I was thinking that the girls didn't feel as full as before, but once I put on a bra, it was clear that they are just as full. I haven't had any cramping today- other than some light "tugging" in my right side. They cyst is on the right side, and the "speck" they saw on u/s is also on the right side of my uterus. So it makes sense. There still is really no spotting. There may be some tiny slight brown when I go looking for it. For those of you IF vets, you know what I am talking about. :) I was up to go to the bathroom three times during the night. I seem to be crying at really stupid commercials and tv shows.
I've sent off my sub plans for tomorrow. I am a little worried about my students having a sub this close to break, but my favorite go to sub agreed to come in for me. She is the amazing woman who covered for me when I had my first miscarriage in 2010. I know she will be able to handle things. I had a feeling there might be an issue, so I made most of the needed copies before I left school on Friday. So I am hoping to just embrace the day off as a chance to spend some time with Chris... which is a premium this time of the year.
Thank you again for your love and support. Looks like I've made it one more day. It's one day at a time for now.
I am feeling better today. I am having some feelings of guilt about my rant yesterday about not wanting to do this. I have irrational fears that my emotions yesterday will cause this pregnancy to end in miscarriage. Now my rational side knows how crazy that sounds. Really, I do. I spent some time thinking this morning and trying to convince the "cosmos" how much Chris and I really do want this pregnancy to stick. (I have some serious faith issues- thus the reason for cosmos rather than G.od) There, I admit it. I really want this to work. But I also know in my heart that we are meant to adopt. I'm not going to try to fight those two feelings right now. I'm trying to just let go and embrace whatever the next few days/weeks/months hold.
I did spend some time being creative in my studio. I am taking an online class and it felt good to create for myself. I haven't done that it months. With our etsy store funding our adoption, so much of my creative time has been spent stocking my store and filling orders. I am so thankful that I am able to use my creative talents to raise much needed funds. But it feels so good to create just for the sake of creating. I'm hoping to steal some time tomorrow to get some cards made up for the etsy store too.
I am trying so hard not to obcess about symptoms and such. I was thinking that the girls didn't feel as full as before, but once I put on a bra, it was clear that they are just as full. I haven't had any cramping today- other than some light "tugging" in my right side. They cyst is on the right side, and the "speck" they saw on u/s is also on the right side of my uterus. So it makes sense. There still is really no spotting. There may be some tiny slight brown when I go looking for it. For those of you IF vets, you know what I am talking about. :) I was up to go to the bathroom three times during the night. I seem to be crying at really stupid commercials and tv shows.
I've sent off my sub plans for tomorrow. I am a little worried about my students having a sub this close to break, but my favorite go to sub agreed to come in for me. She is the amazing woman who covered for me when I had my first miscarriage in 2010. I know she will be able to handle things. I had a feeling there might be an issue, so I made most of the needed copies before I left school on Friday. So I am hoping to just embrace the day off as a chance to spend some time with Chris... which is a premium this time of the year.
Thank you again for your love and support. Looks like I've made it one more day. It's one day at a time for now.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Too early....
It's still too early to see much. After much prodding today, the u/s tech finally found the same small spot that last week's tech saw. This was after saying over and over that she didn't see a gestational sac at all.
Thursday's HCG was just over 1000, so right where it should be. That means that if things continue to double as they are supposed to, they would be just over 2000 today. So that would still "match" the u/s results. But it confuses everyone when they look at my last LMP. I've explained that I don't ovulate on day 14.
I am really angry at the doctor on call, however. When I came out of the u/s room, she basically attacked me about missing an appointment yesterday. This was the first appt I made, and have since been seen and told to cancel that appt since I was coming in today. The nurse called me on Thursday night about it, and I confirmed that I was cancelling that appointment. Nobody said I still needed to come in for this appointment. This was the Dr I was supposed to see. She kept saying, "You still need a first appointment." Um, okay. But I have been seen by another Dr. She then went on to tell me that it was too early for an u/s and she didn't understand why I was there. Um, because the other Dr told me to come in? I was almost in tears standing in the hallway. We've just been through a rough u/s and now I'm being yelled at? Seriously? I am a rule follower. I am a good patient. Don't accuse me of not following directions.
As she walked away, she flippantly said "I'm sure I will see you. Oh, and I'm sure this pregnancy will work out." Um, really? You just yelled at me in the hallway. You don't know my history. You don't know how terrified I am. You can't just flippantly throw something like that out there.
The nurse took me back to get my labs and closed the door. She apologized profusely for the Dr. She said the Dr's kid is sick and she is flustered. She assured me that is not how she usually treats patients. It took everything I had not to break down into tears right there. The lab tech then had a really hard time trying to get my veins to cooperate. Three sticks later, finally in my hand, we were able to get enough blood to fill the tube.
Then I had to go to the front desk to reschedule the appointment that I didn't know I needed. Thankfully there was an appointment with the Dr I've been dealing with already instead of the crabby b&tch who yelled at me. She is the OB that my friend highly recommends, but I don't think I could deal with being yelled at all the time. They have to squeeze me in because everyone is completely booked. So now I have to take a full day off from work on Monday instead of missing one class period last Friday.
Needless to say, if this pregnancy does in fact progress, I will be looking into another practice. My nerves are just shot after all these years. I can't handle the stress of miscommunication and being yelled at by the medical staff.
I had a complete breakdown in the parking lot. While I will be beyond thrilled if this pregnancy succeeds, I just don't want to do this. I don't want to deal with dr offices, lab techs, and constant worry. I closed this flipping chapter of my life. I don't want to do this. Please don't think I am not hoping that everything turns out just fine. I just don't know if all the stress, heartache, and tears will be worth it. I chose to stop treatment. I chose to close this door. And yet here I am, shoved back into the trenches.
I am afraid that I won't survive this time. Sure, I will physically survive... that's what I do. But I really truly don't know how much more I can take emotionally. I did get Chris to agree that if this pregnancy goes south, I will go on some form of birth control. I can't do this. My heart isn't strong enough.
So we spend another week in limbo land. I know I've said this before. I just wish I could see into a a crystal ball and know how the future turns out. Then maybe I can grin and bear the heartache knowing that it is all worth it in the end.
Chris is at a meet all weekend. It's just Romeo and I at home. Chris took down the tree, so thankfully I don't have to worry about that. Hoping to spend some time in my studio this afternoon feeding my soul and keeping my mind and hands busy.
Thank you for your love and support. It means the world to me.
Thursday's HCG was just over 1000, so right where it should be. That means that if things continue to double as they are supposed to, they would be just over 2000 today. So that would still "match" the u/s results. But it confuses everyone when they look at my last LMP. I've explained that I don't ovulate on day 14.
I am really angry at the doctor on call, however. When I came out of the u/s room, she basically attacked me about missing an appointment yesterday. This was the first appt I made, and have since been seen and told to cancel that appt since I was coming in today. The nurse called me on Thursday night about it, and I confirmed that I was cancelling that appointment. Nobody said I still needed to come in for this appointment. This was the Dr I was supposed to see. She kept saying, "You still need a first appointment." Um, okay. But I have been seen by another Dr. She then went on to tell me that it was too early for an u/s and she didn't understand why I was there. Um, because the other Dr told me to come in? I was almost in tears standing in the hallway. We've just been through a rough u/s and now I'm being yelled at? Seriously? I am a rule follower. I am a good patient. Don't accuse me of not following directions.
As she walked away, she flippantly said "I'm sure I will see you. Oh, and I'm sure this pregnancy will work out." Um, really? You just yelled at me in the hallway. You don't know my history. You don't know how terrified I am. You can't just flippantly throw something like that out there.
The nurse took me back to get my labs and closed the door. She apologized profusely for the Dr. She said the Dr's kid is sick and she is flustered. She assured me that is not how she usually treats patients. It took everything I had not to break down into tears right there. The lab tech then had a really hard time trying to get my veins to cooperate. Three sticks later, finally in my hand, we were able to get enough blood to fill the tube.
Then I had to go to the front desk to reschedule the appointment that I didn't know I needed. Thankfully there was an appointment with the Dr I've been dealing with already instead of the crabby b&tch who yelled at me. She is the OB that my friend highly recommends, but I don't think I could deal with being yelled at all the time. They have to squeeze me in because everyone is completely booked. So now I have to take a full day off from work on Monday instead of missing one class period last Friday.
Needless to say, if this pregnancy does in fact progress, I will be looking into another practice. My nerves are just shot after all these years. I can't handle the stress of miscommunication and being yelled at by the medical staff.
I had a complete breakdown in the parking lot. While I will be beyond thrilled if this pregnancy succeeds, I just don't want to do this. I don't want to deal with dr offices, lab techs, and constant worry. I closed this flipping chapter of my life. I don't want to do this. Please don't think I am not hoping that everything turns out just fine. I just don't know if all the stress, heartache, and tears will be worth it. I chose to stop treatment. I chose to close this door. And yet here I am, shoved back into the trenches.
I am afraid that I won't survive this time. Sure, I will physically survive... that's what I do. But I really truly don't know how much more I can take emotionally. I did get Chris to agree that if this pregnancy goes south, I will go on some form of birth control. I can't do this. My heart isn't strong enough.
So we spend another week in limbo land. I know I've said this before. I just wish I could see into a a crystal ball and know how the future turns out. Then maybe I can grin and bear the heartache knowing that it is all worth it in the end.
Chris is at a meet all weekend. It's just Romeo and I at home. Chris took down the tree, so thankfully I don't have to worry about that. Hoping to spend some time in my studio this afternoon feeding my soul and keeping my mind and hands busy.
Thank you for your love and support. It means the world to me.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Tomorrow...
I am trying to keep it together. I've been here before. I know how this story has ended in the past. I thought I was protecting myself and wasn't invested in this pregnancy yet. Who am I kidding?
I had labs yesterday, but don't have those results yet. I am not freaking out about that- I figured I would get them at tomorrow's appointment. I'm ok about not knowing those results right now.
I am terrified about the u/s tomorrow. I've never gone into an u/s with the hope of truly having a viable pregnancy. The last two times I've been bleeding and knew it was over. This time... there's no bleeding. So, there is a real *chance* that this might be the first u/s with a positive outcome. And that scares me... a lot.
I had a meltdown this morning. I had some serious cramping (which I've been told can be normal) and was sure that this was the end. In the end, I really think it was some stomach issues rather than anything else. But it was this experience that made me realize how invested I already am in hoping for this pregnancy. I thought that I was protecting myself- preparing myself for the possibility for this not being a viable pregnancy. But is there really a way to do that? Even after all of our losses, I don't know that you can ever be prepared.
I think the hardest part for me is that I don't know what to expect. All of my "schema" is based on pregnancies ending up in miscarriage. I don't like the unknown. I like to play all of the possibilities in my head before a stressful situation. I don't know how to prepare for tomorrow's u/s. I just have to jump with both feet and take whatever the u/s shows.
I'm frustrated with my body. While I will be over the moon thrilled if my body decides to cooperate and carry a baby to term- I might make peace with her. For now, I am angry. Just as I make peace with a decision and we make a choice to move in a new direction in our journey to parenthood, my body throws us a curve ball. Why did it take ten years for my body to figure out how to get pregnant on its own? (Trust me, we've been "practicing" for almost 20 years) After 11 years, why have I been able to get pregnant on my own (ok, with some help from Chris...) TWICE in SIX MONTHS? Can I hope that it will finally figure it all the way out?
My symptoms are still there. The girls are VERY sore and seem to be like caged animals in my current bra. I'm exhausted. I am lightheaded at times and feel like my head is in a fog about 80% of the time. I had a few bouts of slight nausea today and rotten heartburn. There is NO SPOTTING. So for all intense purposes, I should expect to have a positive u/s tomorrow. Why is that so hard?
Please think good thoughts around 9:00 tomorrow morning. Please let me stay sane through whatever the next 24 hours holds.
I had labs yesterday, but don't have those results yet. I am not freaking out about that- I figured I would get them at tomorrow's appointment. I'm ok about not knowing those results right now.
I am terrified about the u/s tomorrow. I've never gone into an u/s with the hope of truly having a viable pregnancy. The last two times I've been bleeding and knew it was over. This time... there's no bleeding. So, there is a real *chance* that this might be the first u/s with a positive outcome. And that scares me... a lot.
I had a meltdown this morning. I had some serious cramping (which I've been told can be normal) and was sure that this was the end. In the end, I really think it was some stomach issues rather than anything else. But it was this experience that made me realize how invested I already am in hoping for this pregnancy. I thought that I was protecting myself- preparing myself for the possibility for this not being a viable pregnancy. But is there really a way to do that? Even after all of our losses, I don't know that you can ever be prepared.
I think the hardest part for me is that I don't know what to expect. All of my "schema" is based on pregnancies ending up in miscarriage. I don't like the unknown. I like to play all of the possibilities in my head before a stressful situation. I don't know how to prepare for tomorrow's u/s. I just have to jump with both feet and take whatever the u/s shows.
I'm frustrated with my body. While I will be over the moon thrilled if my body decides to cooperate and carry a baby to term- I might make peace with her. For now, I am angry. Just as I make peace with a decision and we make a choice to move in a new direction in our journey to parenthood, my body throws us a curve ball. Why did it take ten years for my body to figure out how to get pregnant on its own? (Trust me, we've been "practicing" for almost 20 years) After 11 years, why have I been able to get pregnant on my own (ok, with some help from Chris...) TWICE in SIX MONTHS? Can I hope that it will finally figure it all the way out?
My symptoms are still there. The girls are VERY sore and seem to be like caged animals in my current bra. I'm exhausted. I am lightheaded at times and feel like my head is in a fog about 80% of the time. I had a few bouts of slight nausea today and rotten heartburn. There is NO SPOTTING. So for all intense purposes, I should expect to have a positive u/s tomorrow. Why is that so hard?
Please think good thoughts around 9:00 tomorrow morning. Please let me stay sane through whatever the next 24 hours holds.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
469
After feeling very frustrated with the OB office, I finally heard from the OB himself.
Yesterday's HCG was 469. Progesterone 17.6.
So we're in a good place... for now....
He seems to be a conscientious man and wants to keep a really close eye on things. That's perfectly fine with me! He feels that my HCG needs to be close to 2000 before they can see a sac on the ultrasound, so he wants to move it to Saturday. He doesn't want to wait the entire weekend just to be cautious and be sure there is nothing ectopic. So Saturday morning u/s it is...
I have to call the office in the morning and schedule an appt for tomorrow afternoon- which also happens to be the first day back with kids. It's easier for me to get out in the afternoon, so hopefully this will all fall into place.
Still no spotting- and trust me I am checking VERY often. :) We've been at this place before. I will be able to breathe again once we get to the point beyond where we've ever been. It's going to be a long few weeks....
Thank you for all of your love and support. We obviously aren't telling too many people in real life about this, so it means so much to share this with you.
Yesterday's HCG was 469. Progesterone 17.6.
So we're in a good place... for now....
He seems to be a conscientious man and wants to keep a really close eye on things. That's perfectly fine with me! He feels that my HCG needs to be close to 2000 before they can see a sac on the ultrasound, so he wants to move it to Saturday. He doesn't want to wait the entire weekend just to be cautious and be sure there is nothing ectopic. So Saturday morning u/s it is...
I have to call the office in the morning and schedule an appt for tomorrow afternoon- which also happens to be the first day back with kids. It's easier for me to get out in the afternoon, so hopefully this will all fall into place.
Still no spotting- and trust me I am checking VERY often. :) We've been at this place before. I will be able to breathe again once we get to the point beyond where we've ever been. It's going to be a long few weeks....
Thank you for all of your love and support. We obviously aren't telling too many people in real life about this, so it means so much to share this with you.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
HCG #1= 76
It's a whole different world dealing with an OB office rather than an RE. They just do things much more laid back. They aren't used to people like me who have a knowledge base and need to know. But I am trying to embrace this change and be as "normal" as possible. This is a natural pregnancy for now and I am trying hard to let be what will be.
I had to ask for Saturday's lab results when I went in this morning. Saturday's HCG was 76. I'm feeling ok about that considering it seems to "match" what we saw on the u/s, right? If it was really high, we'd be in trouble I think. They didn't seem to draw for P4, so I have no idea where that was at. I am on minimal support now but I did have them draw it today. I know that the statistics tell you that low P4 is often indicative of a "bad" pregnancy. But I also know that I have an issue with low Progesterone.
So for now we wait and see. I won't get today's lab results until tomorrow. Another difference in dealing with an OB rather than an RE. I'm trying to keep it all in perspective and keep it together until tomorrow. I have to return to work tomorrow, so it will be nice to have the distraction. Hoping that the call comes at a point that I can get away and take the news. Thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon. (She's back from maternity leave!)
As of today, everything seems good. Symptoms are the same- Sore girls, fatigue, and crazy dreams still there. Not much nausea but a few light headed moments. Nothing serious at all- just a moment of "hmm, I don't feel just right" There is still NO SPOTTING at all. I am obsessed with checking of course.
Today is my very last day of break. I wish I had a few more days, but don't we all? Thankful for a short week with kids. We have meetings all day tomorrow and kids only on Thursday and Friday.
Thank you for all the sweet comments and good thoughts. Keep them coming...
I had to ask for Saturday's lab results when I went in this morning. Saturday's HCG was 76. I'm feeling ok about that considering it seems to "match" what we saw on the u/s, right? If it was really high, we'd be in trouble I think. They didn't seem to draw for P4, so I have no idea where that was at. I am on minimal support now but I did have them draw it today. I know that the statistics tell you that low P4 is often indicative of a "bad" pregnancy. But I also know that I have an issue with low Progesterone.
So for now we wait and see. I won't get today's lab results until tomorrow. Another difference in dealing with an OB rather than an RE. I'm trying to keep it all in perspective and keep it together until tomorrow. I have to return to work tomorrow, so it will be nice to have the distraction. Hoping that the call comes at a point that I can get away and take the news. Thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon. (She's back from maternity leave!)
As of today, everything seems good. Symptoms are the same- Sore girls, fatigue, and crazy dreams still there. Not much nausea but a few light headed moments. Nothing serious at all- just a moment of "hmm, I don't feel just right" There is still NO SPOTTING at all. I am obsessed with checking of course.
Today is my very last day of break. I wish I had a few more days, but don't we all? Thankful for a short week with kids. We have meetings all day tomorrow and kids only on Thursday and Friday.
Thank you for all the sweet comments and good thoughts. Keep them coming...
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