It's still too early to see much. After much prodding today, the u/s tech finally found the same small spot that last week's tech saw. This was after saying over and over that she didn't see a gestational sac at all.
Thursday's HCG was just over 1000, so right where it should be. That means that if things continue to double as they are supposed to, they would be just over 2000 today. So that would still "match" the u/s results. But it confuses everyone when they look at my last LMP. I've explained that I don't ovulate on day 14.
I am really angry at the doctor on call, however. When I came out of the u/s room, she basically attacked me about missing an appointment yesterday. This was the first appt I made, and have since been seen and told to cancel that appt since I was coming in today. The nurse called me on Thursday night about it, and I confirmed that I was cancelling that appointment. Nobody said I still needed to come in for this appointment. This was the Dr I was supposed to see. She kept saying, "You still need a first appointment." Um, okay. But I have been seen by another Dr. She then went on to tell me that it was too early for an u/s and she didn't understand why I was there. Um, because the other Dr told me to come in? I was almost in tears standing in the hallway. We've just been through a rough u/s and now I'm being yelled at? Seriously? I am a rule follower. I am a good patient. Don't accuse me of not following directions.
As she walked away, she flippantly said "I'm sure I will see you. Oh, and I'm sure this pregnancy will work out." Um, really? You just yelled at me in the hallway. You don't know my history. You don't know how terrified I am. You can't just flippantly throw something like that out there.
The nurse took me back to get my labs and closed the door. She apologized profusely for the Dr. She said the Dr's kid is sick and she is flustered. She assured me that is not how she usually treats patients. It took everything I had not to break down into tears right there. The lab tech then had a really hard time trying to get my veins to cooperate. Three sticks later, finally in my hand, we were able to get enough blood to fill the tube.
Then I had to go to the front desk to reschedule the appointment that I didn't know I needed. Thankfully there was an appointment with the Dr I've been dealing with already instead of the crabby b&tch who yelled at me. She is the OB that my friend highly recommends, but I don't think I could deal with being yelled at all the time. They have to squeeze me in because everyone is completely booked. So now I have to take a full day off from work on Monday instead of missing one class period last Friday.
Needless to say, if this pregnancy does in fact progress, I will be looking into another practice. My nerves are just shot after all these years. I can't handle the stress of miscommunication and being yelled at by the medical staff.
I had a complete breakdown in the parking lot. While I will be beyond thrilled if this pregnancy succeeds, I just don't want to do this. I don't want to deal with dr offices, lab techs, and constant worry. I closed this flipping chapter of my life. I don't want to do this. Please don't think I am not hoping that everything turns out just fine. I just don't know if all the stress, heartache, and tears will be worth it. I chose to stop treatment. I chose to close this door. And yet here I am, shoved back into the trenches.
I am afraid that I won't survive this time. Sure, I will physically survive... that's what I do. But I really truly don't know how much more I can take emotionally. I did get Chris to agree that if this pregnancy goes south, I will go on some form of birth control. I can't do this. My heart isn't strong enough.
So we spend another week in limbo land. I know I've said this before. I just wish I could see into a a crystal ball and know how the future turns out. Then maybe I can grin and bear the heartache knowing that it is all worth it in the end.
Chris is at a meet all weekend. It's just Romeo and I at home. Chris took down the tree, so thankfully I don't have to worry about that. Hoping to spend some time in my studio this afternoon feeding my soul and keeping my mind and hands busy.
Thank you for your love and support. It means the world to me.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Tomorrow...
I am trying to keep it together. I've been here before. I know how this story has ended in the past. I thought I was protecting myself and wasn't invested in this pregnancy yet. Who am I kidding?
I had labs yesterday, but don't have those results yet. I am not freaking out about that- I figured I would get them at tomorrow's appointment. I'm ok about not knowing those results right now.
I am terrified about the u/s tomorrow. I've never gone into an u/s with the hope of truly having a viable pregnancy. The last two times I've been bleeding and knew it was over. This time... there's no bleeding. So, there is a real *chance* that this might be the first u/s with a positive outcome. And that scares me... a lot.
I had a meltdown this morning. I had some serious cramping (which I've been told can be normal) and was sure that this was the end. In the end, I really think it was some stomach issues rather than anything else. But it was this experience that made me realize how invested I already am in hoping for this pregnancy. I thought that I was protecting myself- preparing myself for the possibility for this not being a viable pregnancy. But is there really a way to do that? Even after all of our losses, I don't know that you can ever be prepared.
I think the hardest part for me is that I don't know what to expect. All of my "schema" is based on pregnancies ending up in miscarriage. I don't like the unknown. I like to play all of the possibilities in my head before a stressful situation. I don't know how to prepare for tomorrow's u/s. I just have to jump with both feet and take whatever the u/s shows.
I'm frustrated with my body. While I will be over the moon thrilled if my body decides to cooperate and carry a baby to term- I might make peace with her. For now, I am angry. Just as I make peace with a decision and we make a choice to move in a new direction in our journey to parenthood, my body throws us a curve ball. Why did it take ten years for my body to figure out how to get pregnant on its own? (Trust me, we've been "practicing" for almost 20 years) After 11 years, why have I been able to get pregnant on my own (ok, with some help from Chris...) TWICE in SIX MONTHS? Can I hope that it will finally figure it all the way out?
My symptoms are still there. The girls are VERY sore and seem to be like caged animals in my current bra. I'm exhausted. I am lightheaded at times and feel like my head is in a fog about 80% of the time. I had a few bouts of slight nausea today and rotten heartburn. There is NO SPOTTING. So for all intense purposes, I should expect to have a positive u/s tomorrow. Why is that so hard?
Please think good thoughts around 9:00 tomorrow morning. Please let me stay sane through whatever the next 24 hours holds.
I had labs yesterday, but don't have those results yet. I am not freaking out about that- I figured I would get them at tomorrow's appointment. I'm ok about not knowing those results right now.
I am terrified about the u/s tomorrow. I've never gone into an u/s with the hope of truly having a viable pregnancy. The last two times I've been bleeding and knew it was over. This time... there's no bleeding. So, there is a real *chance* that this might be the first u/s with a positive outcome. And that scares me... a lot.
I had a meltdown this morning. I had some serious cramping (which I've been told can be normal) and was sure that this was the end. In the end, I really think it was some stomach issues rather than anything else. But it was this experience that made me realize how invested I already am in hoping for this pregnancy. I thought that I was protecting myself- preparing myself for the possibility for this not being a viable pregnancy. But is there really a way to do that? Even after all of our losses, I don't know that you can ever be prepared.
I think the hardest part for me is that I don't know what to expect. All of my "schema" is based on pregnancies ending up in miscarriage. I don't like the unknown. I like to play all of the possibilities in my head before a stressful situation. I don't know how to prepare for tomorrow's u/s. I just have to jump with both feet and take whatever the u/s shows.
I'm frustrated with my body. While I will be over the moon thrilled if my body decides to cooperate and carry a baby to term- I might make peace with her. For now, I am angry. Just as I make peace with a decision and we make a choice to move in a new direction in our journey to parenthood, my body throws us a curve ball. Why did it take ten years for my body to figure out how to get pregnant on its own? (Trust me, we've been "practicing" for almost 20 years) After 11 years, why have I been able to get pregnant on my own (ok, with some help from Chris...) TWICE in SIX MONTHS? Can I hope that it will finally figure it all the way out?
My symptoms are still there. The girls are VERY sore and seem to be like caged animals in my current bra. I'm exhausted. I am lightheaded at times and feel like my head is in a fog about 80% of the time. I had a few bouts of slight nausea today and rotten heartburn. There is NO SPOTTING. So for all intense purposes, I should expect to have a positive u/s tomorrow. Why is that so hard?
Please think good thoughts around 9:00 tomorrow morning. Please let me stay sane through whatever the next 24 hours holds.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
469
After feeling very frustrated with the OB office, I finally heard from the OB himself.
Yesterday's HCG was 469. Progesterone 17.6.
So we're in a good place... for now....
He seems to be a conscientious man and wants to keep a really close eye on things. That's perfectly fine with me! He feels that my HCG needs to be close to 2000 before they can see a sac on the ultrasound, so he wants to move it to Saturday. He doesn't want to wait the entire weekend just to be cautious and be sure there is nothing ectopic. So Saturday morning u/s it is...
I have to call the office in the morning and schedule an appt for tomorrow afternoon- which also happens to be the first day back with kids. It's easier for me to get out in the afternoon, so hopefully this will all fall into place.
Still no spotting- and trust me I am checking VERY often. :) We've been at this place before. I will be able to breathe again once we get to the point beyond where we've ever been. It's going to be a long few weeks....
Thank you for all of your love and support. We obviously aren't telling too many people in real life about this, so it means so much to share this with you.
Yesterday's HCG was 469. Progesterone 17.6.
So we're in a good place... for now....
He seems to be a conscientious man and wants to keep a really close eye on things. That's perfectly fine with me! He feels that my HCG needs to be close to 2000 before they can see a sac on the ultrasound, so he wants to move it to Saturday. He doesn't want to wait the entire weekend just to be cautious and be sure there is nothing ectopic. So Saturday morning u/s it is...
I have to call the office in the morning and schedule an appt for tomorrow afternoon- which also happens to be the first day back with kids. It's easier for me to get out in the afternoon, so hopefully this will all fall into place.
Still no spotting- and trust me I am checking VERY often. :) We've been at this place before. I will be able to breathe again once we get to the point beyond where we've ever been. It's going to be a long few weeks....
Thank you for all of your love and support. We obviously aren't telling too many people in real life about this, so it means so much to share this with you.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
HCG #1= 76
It's a whole different world dealing with an OB office rather than an RE. They just do things much more laid back. They aren't used to people like me who have a knowledge base and need to know. But I am trying to embrace this change and be as "normal" as possible. This is a natural pregnancy for now and I am trying hard to let be what will be.
I had to ask for Saturday's lab results when I went in this morning. Saturday's HCG was 76. I'm feeling ok about that considering it seems to "match" what we saw on the u/s, right? If it was really high, we'd be in trouble I think. They didn't seem to draw for P4, so I have no idea where that was at. I am on minimal support now but I did have them draw it today. I know that the statistics tell you that low P4 is often indicative of a "bad" pregnancy. But I also know that I have an issue with low Progesterone.
So for now we wait and see. I won't get today's lab results until tomorrow. Another difference in dealing with an OB rather than an RE. I'm trying to keep it all in perspective and keep it together until tomorrow. I have to return to work tomorrow, so it will be nice to have the distraction. Hoping that the call comes at a point that I can get away and take the news. Thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon. (She's back from maternity leave!)
As of today, everything seems good. Symptoms are the same- Sore girls, fatigue, and crazy dreams still there. Not much nausea but a few light headed moments. Nothing serious at all- just a moment of "hmm, I don't feel just right" There is still NO SPOTTING at all. I am obsessed with checking of course.
Today is my very last day of break. I wish I had a few more days, but don't we all? Thankful for a short week with kids. We have meetings all day tomorrow and kids only on Thursday and Friday.
Thank you for all the sweet comments and good thoughts. Keep them coming...
I had to ask for Saturday's lab results when I went in this morning. Saturday's HCG was 76. I'm feeling ok about that considering it seems to "match" what we saw on the u/s, right? If it was really high, we'd be in trouble I think. They didn't seem to draw for P4, so I have no idea where that was at. I am on minimal support now but I did have them draw it today. I know that the statistics tell you that low P4 is often indicative of a "bad" pregnancy. But I also know that I have an issue with low Progesterone.
So for now we wait and see. I won't get today's lab results until tomorrow. Another difference in dealing with an OB rather than an RE. I'm trying to keep it all in perspective and keep it together until tomorrow. I have to return to work tomorrow, so it will be nice to have the distraction. Hoping that the call comes at a point that I can get away and take the news. Thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon. (She's back from maternity leave!)
As of today, everything seems good. Symptoms are the same- Sore girls, fatigue, and crazy dreams still there. Not much nausea but a few light headed moments. Nothing serious at all- just a moment of "hmm, I don't feel just right" There is still NO SPOTTING at all. I am obsessed with checking of course.
Today is my very last day of break. I wish I had a few more days, but don't we all? Thankful for a short week with kids. We have meetings all day tomorrow and kids only on Thursday and Friday.
Thank you for all the sweet comments and good thoughts. Keep them coming...
Saturday, December 31, 2011
The Year 2011- brought to you by the word Limbo!
2011 is coming to a close. And I can't say that I am sorry to see the year go. It wasn't as rough as 2010, but it definitely had its moments. And way too much time in limbo land...
The major limbo- our adoption process. We finally got through the paperwork and got our homestudy approved in May. Then we couldn't decide which route to take for our next steps. We finally chose our attorney and have been happy with that choice. Each and every day is a day of limbo now- we place ads, we network, we hope, and we wait. Our lives could change in an instant- or in months, years from now... Really hoping that 2012 is our year.
Then there was my job. I really adore my principal and my colleagues, but don't love my job anymore the way I used to. I love technology and teaching others to use it in the classroom and spent lots of time last school year training other staff. I was so very hopeful that I would be a new position this fall and spent most of the summer in limbo over that. It wasn't until right before school started that I learned that I would in fact be returning to my same position in the classroom. The woman that was hired for the position is not meeting the expectations of the staff, and it's been a tough fall in that department. I had planned to start another master's program if they had placed me in the position, but we made the decision that the timing isn't right for me to do that right now. (See above...adoption limbo!)
And then there was the surprise pregnancy and miscarriage all wrapped up in one this spring/summer. I knew it was over even as it began, but it was a tough few days at first with little glimmers of hope. And then it was the miscarriage that wouldn't end. I spent months of weekly blood work waiting for the damn HCG levels to drop. We were paralyzed from making any adoption plans as my body healed and we came to terms to yet another loss.
Which brings me to today. We're in limbo again. It seems I've managed to get myself a "little" pregnant again. Yep, you read that right. We're currently in pregnancy limbo again- again a total surprise. I skipped the RE this time and went right to an OB, trying hard to act like a normal person- not someone who has endured all that we have. I had two positive HPTs on December 30th and they got me in right away today. I don't have any lab results- and won't until Tuesday. They did an u/s and saw "something" but nothing measurable yet. The u/s tech said that everything looks promising but early. Even though I know the date of my last AF, having PCOS- that doesn't mean a thing. The OB is very old school, and for now that is fine with me. He put me on progesterone and baby aspirin as an "it can't hurt" treatment. I'm already on Fo.late. Could I be more aggressive? Sure- but for now this is our plan and we've made peace with it.
I go back Tuesday for repeat labs and have another u/s scheduled for Friday dependent on Tuesday's results. We have a glimmer of hope- but we really know how this turns out for us every.single.other.time. So if you have some hope to share, feel free to send it our way. We have adoption ads running in local papers again this week. I refuse to let this paralyze us again. I pray that we have some resolutions one way or another in the next week. I know it will be touch and go for some time, but I would like to have some light to know which way this is going to end up.
Let's hope that 2012 brings us a child- one way or another. I can't handle another year like this!
The major limbo- our adoption process. We finally got through the paperwork and got our homestudy approved in May. Then we couldn't decide which route to take for our next steps. We finally chose our attorney and have been happy with that choice. Each and every day is a day of limbo now- we place ads, we network, we hope, and we wait. Our lives could change in an instant- or in months, years from now... Really hoping that 2012 is our year.
Then there was my job. I really adore my principal and my colleagues, but don't love my job anymore the way I used to. I love technology and teaching others to use it in the classroom and spent lots of time last school year training other staff. I was so very hopeful that I would be a new position this fall and spent most of the summer in limbo over that. It wasn't until right before school started that I learned that I would in fact be returning to my same position in the classroom. The woman that was hired for the position is not meeting the expectations of the staff, and it's been a tough fall in that department. I had planned to start another master's program if they had placed me in the position, but we made the decision that the timing isn't right for me to do that right now. (See above...adoption limbo!)
And then there was the surprise pregnancy and miscarriage all wrapped up in one this spring/summer. I knew it was over even as it began, but it was a tough few days at first with little glimmers of hope. And then it was the miscarriage that wouldn't end. I spent months of weekly blood work waiting for the damn HCG levels to drop. We were paralyzed from making any adoption plans as my body healed and we came to terms to yet another loss.
Which brings me to today. We're in limbo again. It seems I've managed to get myself a "little" pregnant again. Yep, you read that right. We're currently in pregnancy limbo again- again a total surprise. I skipped the RE this time and went right to an OB, trying hard to act like a normal person- not someone who has endured all that we have. I had two positive HPTs on December 30th and they got me in right away today. I don't have any lab results- and won't until Tuesday. They did an u/s and saw "something" but nothing measurable yet. The u/s tech said that everything looks promising but early. Even though I know the date of my last AF, having PCOS- that doesn't mean a thing. The OB is very old school, and for now that is fine with me. He put me on progesterone and baby aspirin as an "it can't hurt" treatment. I'm already on Fo.late. Could I be more aggressive? Sure- but for now this is our plan and we've made peace with it.
I go back Tuesday for repeat labs and have another u/s scheduled for Friday dependent on Tuesday's results. We have a glimmer of hope- but we really know how this turns out for us every.single.other.time. So if you have some hope to share, feel free to send it our way. We have adoption ads running in local papers again this week. I refuse to let this paralyze us again. I pray that we have some resolutions one way or another in the next week. I know it will be touch and go for some time, but I would like to have some light to know which way this is going to end up.
Let's hope that 2012 brings us a child- one way or another. I can't handle another year like this!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Post Holiday Ramblings
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. I had some tense moments where I just felt sad, but all in all, it was a really nice few days. Chris and I had some quality time together- which is really a premium right now. We spent Christmas Eve night with our good friends and their family. I even spent some time holding Miriam's new great nephew. It feel so right to hold a tiny little one. I hope that's a sign that the time for my own precious little one is coming very soon. Chris was the life of the party and enjoyed himself a little too much. :)
Christmas Day was spent at home just the two of us. It was nice, but I had moments of sadness mixed with happiness. I long for a Christmas that includes a child. I also longed for the Christmas past that involved my family. I was regretting my decision to spend another year estranged from them. But after talking to my cousin today, I know that it is still the best decision for Chris and I. The Christmases of my childhood are a distant memory. Now it is time for me to embrace our new life and making new traditions. The mental health of my family members is still less than ideal- to put it mildly. I hope that one day I can have a relationship with them again, but know that enough time has not yet passed.
We plopped down another $250 for the second week of our ad this month. It will run starting tomorrow. We're also running an ad on Face.book and have picked up a few likes as a result. I am so hopeful and resigned all at the same time. I've had to share our story and explain our adoption process several times over the past week. While it's great to get it out there to more people, it stings a little each time I have to share it. I don't want to be an ambassador for adoption. I want to be a mom through adoption. There are so many misconceptions about the adoption process, and I've done a great deal of education too. I am by far not an expert- but I've shared what little knowledge we have.
We've had a few people reach out to us after getting our holiday card. One is a former swimmer who now works with an organization that works with college students facing an unwanted pregnancy. Another has an aunt who works in the foster care system in another state. Somehow one of these many connections has to come through for us, right?
Chris is working crazy hours over break doing private lessons to help add to our adoption fund. I miss him dearly, and wish that he had left at least one afternoon open for us to spend time together. I know that he needs to feel he is contributing as much as I am with PB Creations. We are going out to dinner with some friends on Thursday and have plans with Miriam & John for New Year's.
So, I am spending the time cleaning the disaster zone that is my studio. The whirlwind that was December made a big mess. Also hoping to get my etsy shop restocked with Valentine's items and general items. I also need to get invitations for a friend's wedding done. I have plenty to keep me busy. I just wish we had time to spend together.
At least it's not a year ago when I was a cleaning machine getting ready for our first homestudy visit! I did come to the realization that soon we'll need to talk about renewing our homestudy and figure out what that entails. At least we have some time for that.
I'll leave you with a photo of myself, Karin, & Miriam on Christmas Eve. It was several takes before we even got one photo that didn't include closed eyes or a random person behind us...
Christmas Day was spent at home just the two of us. It was nice, but I had moments of sadness mixed with happiness. I long for a Christmas that includes a child. I also longed for the Christmas past that involved my family. I was regretting my decision to spend another year estranged from them. But after talking to my cousin today, I know that it is still the best decision for Chris and I. The Christmases of my childhood are a distant memory. Now it is time for me to embrace our new life and making new traditions. The mental health of my family members is still less than ideal- to put it mildly. I hope that one day I can have a relationship with them again, but know that enough time has not yet passed.
We plopped down another $250 for the second week of our ad this month. It will run starting tomorrow. We're also running an ad on Face.book and have picked up a few likes as a result. I am so hopeful and resigned all at the same time. I've had to share our story and explain our adoption process several times over the past week. While it's great to get it out there to more people, it stings a little each time I have to share it. I don't want to be an ambassador for adoption. I want to be a mom through adoption. There are so many misconceptions about the adoption process, and I've done a great deal of education too. I am by far not an expert- but I've shared what little knowledge we have.
We've had a few people reach out to us after getting our holiday card. One is a former swimmer who now works with an organization that works with college students facing an unwanted pregnancy. Another has an aunt who works in the foster care system in another state. Somehow one of these many connections has to come through for us, right?
Chris is working crazy hours over break doing private lessons to help add to our adoption fund. I miss him dearly, and wish that he had left at least one afternoon open for us to spend time together. I know that he needs to feel he is contributing as much as I am with PB Creations. We are going out to dinner with some friends on Thursday and have plans with Miriam & John for New Year's.
So, I am spending the time cleaning the disaster zone that is my studio. The whirlwind that was December made a big mess. Also hoping to get my etsy shop restocked with Valentine's items and general items. I also need to get invitations for a friend's wedding done. I have plenty to keep me busy. I just wish we had time to spend together.
At least it's not a year ago when I was a cleaning machine getting ready for our first homestudy visit! I did come to the realization that soon we'll need to talk about renewing our homestudy and figure out what that entails. At least we have some time for that.
I'll leave you with a photo of myself, Karin, & Miriam on Christmas Eve. It was several takes before we even got one photo that didn't include closed eyes or a random person behind us...
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Dear Santa
It's Christmas Eve once again.
And I'm having many of the same thoughts I've had on this day for years.
On a day that once held so much magic for me as a child, I am torn between feelings of sadness and hope. Our life is full of so many blessings. We're surrounded by so many children. We've seen many grow up into amazing young adults. We've been able to experience their lives in a supporting role. We've got children in our lives that we care for on a daily basis. We have so many hopes and dreams for our swimmers and students. We have close friends' children who are like family to us that we will share this holiday with. But we're missing the big piece- a child that calls us mom and dad.
While my faith is wavering, I do believe fully in the Christmas Spirit. I want to have that magical feeling I had a a child return to our home as we embrace new traditions as a family. I want to leave cookies for Santa and sprinkle reindeer food on the lawn. I want to have matching Christmas pajamas and cuddle up watching The Polar Express. I want to see the sparkle in Chris' eye as he watches our children open up presents from Santa.
So Santa, there's just one wish on my Christmas list... and I think you know what it is!
~~~~~~
Wishing you all a very happy holiday.
And I'm having many of the same thoughts I've had on this day for years.
On a day that once held so much magic for me as a child, I am torn between feelings of sadness and hope. Our life is full of so many blessings. We're surrounded by so many children. We've seen many grow up into amazing young adults. We've been able to experience their lives in a supporting role. We've got children in our lives that we care for on a daily basis. We have so many hopes and dreams for our swimmers and students. We have close friends' children who are like family to us that we will share this holiday with. But we're missing the big piece- a child that calls us mom and dad.
While my faith is wavering, I do believe fully in the Christmas Spirit. I want to have that magical feeling I had a a child return to our home as we embrace new traditions as a family. I want to leave cookies for Santa and sprinkle reindeer food on the lawn. I want to have matching Christmas pajamas and cuddle up watching The Polar Express. I want to see the sparkle in Chris' eye as he watches our children open up presents from Santa.
So Santa, there's just one wish on my Christmas list... and I think you know what it is!
~~~~~~
Wishing you all a very happy holiday.
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