Rewind... that darn H word

Mel posted earlier this week about the new Presidential Family portrait and the fact that the last one was taken two years ago.  She asked us all to reflect at where we were at two years ago.  I wish I hadn't looked. 

You see, two years ago we were full of HOPE.  You can read the post here.  I had just finished a month long drug protocol that had made me miserable, but we were so sure that it was the final piece to our IVF.  We learned that we had three normal blasts from our final IVF and were preparing to transfer them in January.  I was so sure that it was going to work.  I remember being so very hopeful for the first time in years.  Everything was falling nicely into place.  I was able to stomach the holidays because I was finally off the horrible drug, and I was so sure that it was going to be a final childless holiday.

For those of you who have read my blog for some time, you know how that all turned out.  If you'd like to refresh your memory- read this.  I came crashing down from my HOPE high really hard. 

But I've moved on, right? We're moving forward and healing from that negative and the devastating miscarriage that came months later after we transferred our final blasts.  We've closed that chapter of our life.  We're moving on and are actively trying to adopt.  We're hopeful again....

And that's where I slammed on the brakes.  Here I am, two years later, blissfully hopeful that this will once again be our last childless Christmas.  I am full of hope that we will become parents through adoption.  Everything is falling into place.  But am I setting myself up to fall again?

Other than the one situation that was a "hand me down" from another couple who had already been matched, we have not had a single call on our own 800 number.  There has been no interest.  After hearing of the two expectant mothers over a month ago, we are getting radio silence now.  Before you tell me it hasn't been that long- I know.  I know that we've only been fully active since September.  I know that we've only run our first newspaper ads last week.  But we've been out there- telling everyone we know.  We've sent out mailings, we have a website and a face.book page.  It was a year ago that we fully started the process with our first homestudy meeting.

I think the waiting would be so much easier to take if I knew that there would be a happy ending.  It's been more than 11 years since we started trying to have a family.  I just don't know how much longer I can wait without losing myself.  I've realized that the unknown timeline or even IF it will all work out is starting to eat away at me.  I don't like the person I am right now.  I am overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time.  I am sad when I think about what the past 2 years have held for us- so much sadness and loss. 

For now I am holding onto hope.  Hope that we will finally have our family.  Hope that I will be able to embrace motherhood after yearning for so long.  Hope that Chris and I will be good parents.  Hope that we won't have our hearts broken again in the process.  Hope that an expectant mother will choose us and that we will be parents in 2012.

HOPE better not let me down this time.  I'm not going to take it lightly this time!

Lights of Gratitude

As I write this, I am sitting in a dark living room with just the Christmas tree lights on.  I've done this since I was a small child.  I simply love the glow of the tree and there is just a sense of peace and calm that comes from seeing the glow emanating from the tree. 

Someone in my FB newsfeed posted something about having as many things to be thankful for as there are lights on their tree.  I'm frustrated I can't find the correct wording- as it is perfect for this post. As I sit here taking in the glow of our tree, my heart is so full of gratitude for those who have supported us.  In just the last week, so many have come forward to provide support for our adoption journey.

First off, thank you for each of you who raced over to my etsy shop after my shameless commercial and placed an order.  My fingers will be busy getting all of the orders out this week.  I am hopeful that I can cover the costs of our advertising each month with my etsy shop and other orders.  Each little bit helps.  Creating also feeds my soul, so it's really a win-win.

We were blown away by the generous gift from one of our swim team families.  Chris has coached their daughter for five years and she is currently a senior in high school.  She has signed with a Division I college to swim in the fall.  They wrote us a beautiful letter of recommendation for our homestudy last fall and now wrote us a generous check just as a thank you for all Chris has done for their daughter.  It was totally unexpected and we are still trying to figure out how to thank them for this gift. 

I'd also like to shout out to The Zoo who thought of my little etsy shop when she won some ad space over at The Lovely Poppy and didn't think she'd use it.  She passed her winnings on to me and Nicole The Lovely Poppy has agreed to allow me to place an ad there in her place.  I am so touched that S. over at The Zoo thought of me for this opportunity.  I've talked to Nicole and I think my ad will start up after the first of the year.  Be sure to go over and check The Lovely Poppy out!  She has a beautiful blog and shop!

Another coworker sent me a message telling me that her prayer group had received word of a young girl who learned she was pregnant and was weighing her options.  She asked me if she could add us to the prayer list of the group and share our contact information in the hopes that our two situations might connect.  This coworker is dealing with some health issues herself, and for her to think of us just touched my heart in so many ways.

I've had so much support for PB Creations through work contacts and friends alike.  We would NOT be able to move forward with our adoption plan if it weren't for the extra income from PB Creations.  I have many orders to fill this week and while I am a little stressed about getting it all done, I am so thankful for the work.  It will keep my hands and head busy and keep my heart full as we go into the holiday season. 

It's no secret that the holidays are hard for those who yearn to be parents.  My hope is that I can focus on the gifts we've been given and not dwell on the missing piece.  I want to keep this post upbeat- so I will save my thoughts on this being "the last holiday" for another post.  For now, I am going to take a moment to take in the glow from the tree knowing that each one of those lights represents a hope and wish from those who support us in our quest to become parents.


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We ran our first ads this week in the local papers. I am so excited that through my research I learned that most papers do things alphabetically.  Thanks to some reading I did- I knew to put "A baby to love- Adoption" rather than just adoption as our header.  This made us the first ad in the section- above those who spent extra money for clip art and such.  I am pretty pleased with myself!  We had a little bit of sticker shock when we hit the submit button- the ad will run for a week at the expense of $250.  I still question if that is the best avenue in this day and age- do people really read papers?  But our attorney assures us that this is something we need to do.  We also got a week online with the newspaper as part of the deal- so I guess we are getting the online exposure too.

Here is the online version of the ad: Coach & Teacher  (This will only work for a few more days until our ad expires)  The print version is MUCH shorter- as in 4 lines!  For those of you local, it ran in the Sun Times and the News Sun as well as some of the suburban papers. 

Shameless Commercial

I've been a bad blogger over the past two weeks- I have lots of posts written in my head and just haven't sat down to get them all out.  Just watch out when I get the chance... you'll be bombarded with the swirling storm of thoughts that is currently residing in my brain! 

In the mean time, would you please take a moment to check out my etsy shop?  I'd like to raise enough funds to cover our January Advertising costs- approximately $600.  I've sold almost $300 at this point, but would love to meet my goal well before the holidays.  Could you also spread the word?

You can find my shop at:  PB Creations.  You can find lots of holiday cards as well as gift ideas.  I'll be adding some new inventory over the weekend too. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Thankful

We've already been out on this Thanksgiving Day for our annual turkey trot and breakfast.  I wasn't up to running this year, and am sad that I didn't work harder to get ready.  But I am thankful for the tradition and enjoyed being a spectator and watching Chris cheer on the many swim team kids and parents who came out to run the race.  Chris finished in a good time for him- just over 24 minutes.  We enjoyed breakfast at Denny's as a post race treat.

We have so much to be thankful for this year.  I am trying really hard to focus on that.  We have amazing friends who love and support us in so many ways.  Chris and I both have careers that we love (even if I'm frustrated with it right now).  We own our house that we've worked to make a home we are proud of.  We have food on our table and all of our basic needs are more than met.  We have a strong marriage based on love and respect.  We are blessed.

Yet, my heart is heavy today.  Thanksgiving brings reminders of loss and heartbreak too.   In 2002, I lost my beloved Grandfather right after Thanksgiving and then went on to have an ectopic pregnancy.  We've had more than one Thanksgiving where we were reeling from a failed cycle.  Two years ago I was on Dep.ot Lu.pron preparing for our final FET.  I was in so much pain that day- I cramped and bled for two straight months on that drug protocol.  Last year we were still so raw from our miscarriage the month before.  

And then there is the simple fact of the marking of time.  Each holiday marks another year.  Another year that we say, "This will be the last Thanksgiving (Christmas, 4th of July, etc...) that it's just the two of us."  And then the next year comes and it is STILL just the two of us.  We are so blessed.  We have a good life- but we'd give just about anything to be parents at this point.  We have so much to share with a child. We are so very hopeful that we will be given that gift through the miracle of open adoption.  We pray each and every day that a mother will choose us for that gift.


We're also marking another year that we have chosen to distance ourselves from my family.  I am sad that I won't be sharing this holiday, but I know that this is what is best for Chris and I right now.  We are so very fortunate to have friends who have taken us in as part of their family and we will spend our Thanksgiving surrounded by those who love and support us.  That's more important than anything right now. 


Wishing you all a very Happy Thanksgiving surrounded by those who love and support you. 

November ICLW

Welcome to my little piece of the blogosphere. 

We are officially a "waiting family" in our journey to become parents through domestic adoption.  We've been on this long winding path to parenthood for more than a decade.  We've had some serious heartbreak and can't even begin to tell you our entire bumpy road here in a single post.  If you are new here, you can see our timeline above and get the down and dirty 411. 

We are hopeful once again that we WILL become parents through the gift of adoption.  The upcoming holidays are tough ones for us as they are loaded with loss anniversaries as well as the burden of yet another year passing us by. 

I am a teacher by day, and have an especially challenging student this year.  It's made for some added stress this fall that I am not really happy about.  My husband is a swim coach and we are very close to several of our swim families.  They are more like family to us than those who we are actually blood related to. 

I have a creative side that feeds my soul, and also is helping support our adoption fund.  You can check out my etsy shop at www.virtue75.etsy.com.  It makes me happy to create, and hopefully we can help offset the high cost of adoption as well.  We depleted all of our savings with a last ditch IVF that was *almost* a success. 

I have only a two day work week- so hopefully I will be able to post more this week and get to know some new bloggers too.  I am forever grateful for Mel and the entire ALI blogging community for the support over the past several years.  I don't think I would have kept my sanity if I didn't have this amazing outlet and kind words from those who read my rambilings.

Hoping you all have a wonderful day!

Facing another fear.... rejection

As you can guess from the title of the post, the expectant mother has chosen to work with the other couple.  And we know that it is for the best.  We weren't sure that this was the right situation for us when we took the time to think about it.  We know in our heads that this is all part of the process.

But man, it does sting a little.  One of the scariest parts of jumping into domestic adoption for me was my fear of rejection.  It's no secret that I've had some self esteem issues in the past and then add more than 10 years of failed infertility treatment...  It's a bitter hard pill to swallow that this mom didn't choose us.

Now, I KNOW that the right situation will come along... I really do.  As I said, I am not sure that we would have pursued this situation if we had been chosen. But I am having a hard time coming to terms that we were rejected. 

I know in terms of adoption timelines, this was quick.  I know that.  But is it wrong that I was hoping that just once in our life that we would be on the "easy" path? 

Trying not to dwell on this too long.  Too much to get done this week. 

But I think I should get a gold star for facing two of my big fears in less than 24 hours...

Facing my Phone Phobia

I've always had this thing about the phone.  I love talking to friends on the phone, but making a call to make an appointment, or another "cold call" is another story.  I would beg my mom in my college years to call and make doctor and hair appointments for me. It took me months to work up the courage to call our last IVF clinic.  I am an outgoing person for the most part, but I have some unexplainable fear of making cold calls.


Why am I telling you all of this?


I had to face this fear head on today.  You see, a expectant mother wanted Chris and I to call her.  She spoke to our attorney and has looked at our profile.  Our attorney gave us some information about her as well, and told her that we would call.  I got the message while at school and was able to sneak out early and get home early.  Chris and I called together.


We had a nice conversation with her.  I won't go into details, but it went well.  We only talked for a few moments.  She is also talking to another couple from our attorney.  She told us that she is going to think it over and get back to us in a week or so.  She has placed another child in the past, so she knows what she needs. 


There are still lots of questions if this is the right situation for us and this mom.  It's the very first situation that we've been presented.  Our attorney actually sent out our profile to another expectant mom on Friday.

I was starting to feel overwhelmed with all of the marketing I wanted to do.  This makes me feel like what I have done is getting us out there. 

Please keep us in your thoughts over the coming weeks. I hope that our decisions will be guided by what is best for us and everyone else involved.

Anyone have any words of wisdom for us?