Thankfully my HCG levels are still dropping. Today's level was just over 600, so it is still dropping. I was hoping for a faster drop like last time, but I'll take it I guess. It's funny how once again perspective changes. I don't have to go back to the RE until Monday for a repeat beta.
Last time, Dr Sch had me on antibiotics with my miscarriage. I think this was done before we knew it was a miscarriage and I was just bleeding. Do I need to be on them this time? I keep meaning to ask. Is that a normal thing?
Thank you for all of your kind comments on my last few posts. It means the world to me. Even my closest friends can't really understand where I am at right now. (Heck, I don't even really know where I am right now!) But all of you know just what to say. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Thankful that I am really busy with school. Only 9 more days in this school year!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
What a difference a week makes!
Last Sunday it was sunny and warm. Chris and I were feeling really good about our adoption journey and feeling like we were finally on the path we were meant to be on. We enjoyed a ride on the motorcycle and enjoyed the day together. All felt right with the world.
Today it is freezing... not even 50 degrees here. Chris is at a swim meet today and I am home still trying to physically heal from the miscarriage. I am hurting physically and emotionally. How can we be so far from where we were just 7 days ago?
Thank you for all of your sweet comments and messages of support. I am so very thankful for this community of amazing women who know just what to say and how to say it. I am dreading my return to work tomorrow when I have to decide what to explain about my absence last week. We've been open about our adoption journey and I just don't even know how to explain what happened this week. Hell, I don't even understand it myself. Part of me feels like I am betraying our adoption plan just by being sad about this miscarriage. But it happened, and I can't just pretend it didn't.
My mind is full of questions right now. How in the heck did I manage to get pregnant in the first place? I cringe at the thought that we probably got pregnant on vacation. Yep, we're THOSE people. All those years of fertility treatments... what a waste... we just needed to take a vacation like people told us! Hmph!
And when did I actually miscarry? There wasn't any sign of anything in the uterus on Wednesday, and yet my HCG was almost 1200. What does that mean? If I can get pregnant on my own, is there some way to support the pregnancy? Or am I destined to repeat this pregnancy/miscarriage cycle over and over? Do I get a consult with a Dr? Do I call Dr Sch at CC.RM and get his take on this latest development? Do I get a consult with the local RE who has been managing this for me now? Do I go get a consult with a Reproductive Immunologist?
Or do I heal from this physically and then move on. We've got our homestudy. We're close to signing with an attorney. Our website is almost complete. We have our photos done. Do we move forward with the adoption and hope that I don't miscarry again in the meantime?
I don't know what the answers are. I don't know that I will ever know. I am furious that we are once again in this place. I was FINALLY feeling really good about our adoption journey and really hopeful that we would finally after more than 11 years, have our child.
I go back for repeat labs tomorrow morning. The bleeding has just about stopped but I am still having some pain. It's strange- almost like I feel right before egg retrieval, a full feeling at times. At other times it's just an ache as if I had some abdominal trauma. It's not sharp or intense, but it is definitely worse after I've been up and doing things. I haven't done too much this weekend knowing that the week ahead is going to be crazy with work. Only 10 more days of school left!
Sorry for the rambling post, but as you can imagine my mind is just a mess right now. Please pray for low numbers tomorrow as a sign that my body is resolving this on its own. I just don't even want to think about the possibility of having to endure more medical intervention at this point.
Today it is freezing... not even 50 degrees here. Chris is at a swim meet today and I am home still trying to physically heal from the miscarriage. I am hurting physically and emotionally. How can we be so far from where we were just 7 days ago?
Thank you for all of your sweet comments and messages of support. I am so very thankful for this community of amazing women who know just what to say and how to say it. I am dreading my return to work tomorrow when I have to decide what to explain about my absence last week. We've been open about our adoption journey and I just don't even know how to explain what happened this week. Hell, I don't even understand it myself. Part of me feels like I am betraying our adoption plan just by being sad about this miscarriage. But it happened, and I can't just pretend it didn't.
My mind is full of questions right now. How in the heck did I manage to get pregnant in the first place? I cringe at the thought that we probably got pregnant on vacation. Yep, we're THOSE people. All those years of fertility treatments... what a waste... we just needed to take a vacation like people told us! Hmph!
And when did I actually miscarry? There wasn't any sign of anything in the uterus on Wednesday, and yet my HCG was almost 1200. What does that mean? If I can get pregnant on my own, is there some way to support the pregnancy? Or am I destined to repeat this pregnancy/miscarriage cycle over and over? Do I get a consult with a Dr? Do I call Dr Sch at CC.RM and get his take on this latest development? Do I get a consult with the local RE who has been managing this for me now? Do I go get a consult with a Reproductive Immunologist?
Or do I heal from this physically and then move on. We've got our homestudy. We're close to signing with an attorney. Our website is almost complete. We have our photos done. Do we move forward with the adoption and hope that I don't miscarry again in the meantime?
I don't know what the answers are. I don't know that I will ever know. I am furious that we are once again in this place. I was FINALLY feeling really good about our adoption journey and really hopeful that we would finally after more than 11 years, have our child.
I go back for repeat labs tomorrow morning. The bleeding has just about stopped but I am still having some pain. It's strange- almost like I feel right before egg retrieval, a full feeling at times. At other times it's just an ache as if I had some abdominal trauma. It's not sharp or intense, but it is definitely worse after I've been up and doing things. I haven't done too much this weekend knowing that the week ahead is going to be crazy with work. Only 10 more days of school left!
Sorry for the rambling post, but as you can imagine my mind is just a mess right now. Please pray for low numbers tomorrow as a sign that my body is resolving this on its own. I just don't even want to think about the possibility of having to endure more medical intervention at this point.
Friday, May 13, 2011
We interrupt this adoption journey for...
a miscarriage
Yep, you read that right. I’m a little pregnant right now, but not in a good way. There is a possibility that this is more than a miscarriage and is an ectopic pregnancy. Repeat labs tomorrow will give us more information.
Let me back up a little and explain how we got here. It’s been a whirlwind 48 hours.
I’ve had relatively normal (to me) cycles since the miscarriage in October. Cycles ranged from 30-50 days or so, but that isn’t unusual for a PCOS girl. My periods were never quite the same, but again, that is normal for a PCOS girl.
My last period was on March 24th right before we left for Aruba. (AF always has great timing!) And then two weeks ago, I had what I thought was a period. But she stuck around, and I’ve had spotting/bleeding for the past two weeks. I had some severe cramping early Monday morning which I thought was really strange considering I thought AF was on its tail end, not starting. Started bleeding more heavily on Monday night into Tuesday. For some unknown reason, I decided to take a HPT on Wednesday morning.
It instantly turned positive. Instantly. Faster than I have ever seen. Four letter words flew out of my mouth. Still bleeding at this point, so I know there is NO WAY that this could be a viable pregnancy. (of course a tiny part of me had a spark of hope…)
Called local RE office that I used for monitoring for CC.RM. Don’t have an OB/Gyn as I never got that far last time. They of course suggested I call my OB/Gyn. Didn’t I mention I DON’T have one?! After doing the math at how far along I “should” be, they decide I need to come in for an ultrasound. Main RE is not available, but partner is at the satellite office. I taught the rest of the day, and then left to meet Chris at the distant office.
Had to explain our story since our chart is not at the local office. Asks about symptoms and bleeding. Then proceeds to do ultrasound. Long silence and lots of movement of the wand.
Nothing in the uterus. But he doesn’t see anything of concern on ovaries or in tubes. Three possibilities at this point: 1) early pregnancy that is viable since we don’t really know where I am at, 2) miscarriage has already occurred and my body will resolve on its own, or 3) ectopic pregnancy of an unknown location.
Labs drawn and sent off. Results show higher than desired beta at this point- 1198. Dr is concerned that it is in fact ectopic, as progesterone is only 2.5.
Repeat labs tomorrow morning. Praying for LOW beta tomorrow, or at least a decrease from today. If we have an increase, we are in danger zone. Even more of a danger zone because both the RE and his partner are out of town for the weekend.
So we’re in limbo for the next 24 hours at least. I’m pissed. I don’t want to be at this place. I feel like every time we make some positive steps on our adoption journey, we are given a hurdle like this. I am so OVER treatment, but I am finding myself pulled back in once again. Why is my body doing this?
We are still 110% committed to our adoption plan. We just have some extra baggage to carry for now, I guess.
(Post was written yesterday when blogger went down)
~~~~~~~~~~~
Update: Labs came back with a decrease.. 934 now. Hoping that's a good sign that everything is going to resolve itself. Still in some pain, but can relax a little now that we have had this one good sign.
Yep, you read that right. I’m a little pregnant right now, but not in a good way. There is a possibility that this is more than a miscarriage and is an ectopic pregnancy. Repeat labs tomorrow will give us more information.
Let me back up a little and explain how we got here. It’s been a whirlwind 48 hours.
I’ve had relatively normal (to me) cycles since the miscarriage in October. Cycles ranged from 30-50 days or so, but that isn’t unusual for a PCOS girl. My periods were never quite the same, but again, that is normal for a PCOS girl.
My last period was on March 24th right before we left for Aruba. (AF always has great timing!) And then two weeks ago, I had what I thought was a period. But she stuck around, and I’ve had spotting/bleeding for the past two weeks. I had some severe cramping early Monday morning which I thought was really strange considering I thought AF was on its tail end, not starting. Started bleeding more heavily on Monday night into Tuesday. For some unknown reason, I decided to take a HPT on Wednesday morning.
It instantly turned positive. Instantly. Faster than I have ever seen. Four letter words flew out of my mouth. Still bleeding at this point, so I know there is NO WAY that this could be a viable pregnancy. (of course a tiny part of me had a spark of hope…)
Called local RE office that I used for monitoring for CC.RM. Don’t have an OB/Gyn as I never got that far last time. They of course suggested I call my OB/Gyn. Didn’t I mention I DON’T have one?! After doing the math at how far along I “should” be, they decide I need to come in for an ultrasound. Main RE is not available, but partner is at the satellite office. I taught the rest of the day, and then left to meet Chris at the distant office.
Had to explain our story since our chart is not at the local office. Asks about symptoms and bleeding. Then proceeds to do ultrasound. Long silence and lots of movement of the wand.
Nothing in the uterus. But he doesn’t see anything of concern on ovaries or in tubes. Three possibilities at this point: 1) early pregnancy that is viable since we don’t really know where I am at, 2) miscarriage has already occurred and my body will resolve on its own, or 3) ectopic pregnancy of an unknown location.
Labs drawn and sent off. Results show higher than desired beta at this point- 1198. Dr is concerned that it is in fact ectopic, as progesterone is only 2.5.
Repeat labs tomorrow morning. Praying for LOW beta tomorrow, or at least a decrease from today. If we have an increase, we are in danger zone. Even more of a danger zone because both the RE and his partner are out of town for the weekend.
So we’re in limbo for the next 24 hours at least. I’m pissed. I don’t want to be at this place. I feel like every time we make some positive steps on our adoption journey, we are given a hurdle like this. I am so OVER treatment, but I am finding myself pulled back in once again. Why is my body doing this?
We are still 110% committed to our adoption plan. We just have some extra baggage to carry for now, I guess.
(Post was written yesterday when blogger went down)
~~~~~~~~~~~
Update: Labs came back with a decrease.. 934 now. Hoping that's a good sign that everything is going to resolve itself. Still in some pain, but can relax a little now that we have had this one good sign.
Monday, May 9, 2011
First Ride of the Season
Thank you for all of the compliments on the sign and the tips for our photos. We had a great time doing the photos, and I think they turned out great. I am not thrilled with my hair in them- but hey, I have to worry about something, right?! I've seen a few sneak peaks from our friend on FB, but will share them here once I have them all.
It was finally a nice day here yesterday and we took advantage of the nice weather by taking our motorcycle out for the first ride of the season. People are often surprised that Chris & I own a motorcycle. I simply LOVE riding on the back of the motorcycle. There's really nothing like it. (Before I go further, Chris and I ALWAYS wear our helmets. We fully believe that helmets should be required for anyone riding)
When we are out on the motorcycle, it's as if the rest of the world doesn't matter. It's just Chris and I taking on the world. Being a passenger on the motorcycle requires complete faith in the driver. As the passenger, you have no control over the motorcycle and yet you could cause the driver to lose control. You have to move together- driver, passenger, and motorcycle. You have to anticipate the movement at turns and accelerations. When we are on the motorcycle, I really feel like we are in complete harmony with each other. It wasn't always this way. When we first started dating and riding, I didn't always trust him. I'd lean the wrong way at the wrong time. But Chris would always compensate and we'd be okay.
When we are out on the road, there isn't much time for talking. We can talk at stops, but most of the time it's just listening to the sounds around us and taking the time to appreciate the world around us. We try to take the scenic route most of the time and often end up on country roads. There's also lots of time to listen to my own thoughts and process whatever is happening in my life. I never come to any real solutions during this time and most of my thoughts are scattered. It's as if the wind carries them away and I always end up feeling better by the time we get back home.
There's also a sense of intimacy with riding with someone. As the passenger you just have to hold on to the driver. (I suppose you could hold onto the bike itself, but that's hard to do!) You have no choice other than to put your arms around the driver... something that we both enjoy. :)
So, we spent the dreaded holiday having our profile photos taken and then taking the inaugural ride on the motorcycle. While there were moments of sadness, it was full of hope- and actions that move us forward and closer together.
It was finally a nice day here yesterday and we took advantage of the nice weather by taking our motorcycle out for the first ride of the season. People are often surprised that Chris & I own a motorcycle. I simply LOVE riding on the back of the motorcycle. There's really nothing like it. (Before I go further, Chris and I ALWAYS wear our helmets. We fully believe that helmets should be required for anyone riding)
When we are out on the motorcycle, it's as if the rest of the world doesn't matter. It's just Chris and I taking on the world. Being a passenger on the motorcycle requires complete faith in the driver. As the passenger, you have no control over the motorcycle and yet you could cause the driver to lose control. You have to move together- driver, passenger, and motorcycle. You have to anticipate the movement at turns and accelerations. When we are on the motorcycle, I really feel like we are in complete harmony with each other. It wasn't always this way. When we first started dating and riding, I didn't always trust him. I'd lean the wrong way at the wrong time. But Chris would always compensate and we'd be okay.
When we are out on the road, there isn't much time for talking. We can talk at stops, but most of the time it's just listening to the sounds around us and taking the time to appreciate the world around us. We try to take the scenic route most of the time and often end up on country roads. There's also lots of time to listen to my own thoughts and process whatever is happening in my life. I never come to any real solutions during this time and most of my thoughts are scattered. It's as if the wind carries them away and I always end up feeling better by the time we get back home.
There's also a sense of intimacy with riding with someone. As the passenger you just have to hold on to the driver. (I suppose you could hold onto the bike itself, but that's hard to do!) You have no choice other than to put your arms around the driver... something that we both enjoy. :)
So, we spent the dreaded holiday having our profile photos taken and then taking the inaugural ride on the motorcycle. While there were moments of sadness, it was full of hope- and actions that move us forward and closer together.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Happy NSD!
That's National Scrapbooking Day for those of you who had no clue what I was talking about. :)
Thanks for all the great suggestions on our photo shoot. We moved it to tomorrow because the weather is supposed to be nicer (as in no rain and at least 60).
I was inspired by Amy to make a sign for us to use for our profile photos. As a papercrafter, I had more than a few supplies to work with. I even cut up some paper I had been saving for something special... decided it was time!
After several versions, here is what I came up with. The photo isn't great as I took it on my phone, but you can get the idea. Hoping it shows up in the photos tomorrow!
Hoping to scrap at least one page today. It's been way too long, and it really is my creative escape. I need to remember that I NEED to do things like this for myself. :)
Update:
I just took out a photo and made a page... and it felt really good to do it! I was inspired by an NSD prompt by the amazing and talented Shimelle. This is Chris and I at his brother's wedding in 1998. (The brother has since been divorced twice, but that's another story!)
Just decided to do a quick page and NOT over think it... something I need to practice in life in general. :)
So here it is:
I took the photo with my phone again, so the coloring is a little off. But I was too excited to share that I didn't want to go get my camera!
Have a wonderful day!
Thanks for all the great suggestions on our photo shoot. We moved it to tomorrow because the weather is supposed to be nicer (as in no rain and at least 60).
I was inspired by Amy to make a sign for us to use for our profile photos. As a papercrafter, I had more than a few supplies to work with. I even cut up some paper I had been saving for something special... decided it was time!
After several versions, here is what I came up with. The photo isn't great as I took it on my phone, but you can get the idea. Hoping it shows up in the photos tomorrow!
Update:
I just took out a photo and made a page... and it felt really good to do it! I was inspired by an NSD prompt by the amazing and talented Shimelle. This is Chris and I at his brother's wedding in 1998. (The brother has since been divorced twice, but that's another story!)
Just decided to do a quick page and NOT over think it... something I need to practice in life in general. :)
So here it is:
Have a wonderful day!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Adoption Profile Photo Questions
We have a talented friend who also happens to be a photographer who has offered to take our photos for our profile. She wants to do this as her gift to us, and I am so very grateful. We finally set the date for this weekend. Hoping that the weather cooperates and we can do some outdoors.
I am trying hard not to overthink it all. That's just not easy for me as you can imagine.
Here are the questions running through my mind- I'd love some feedback if anyone has any! :)
1) What should we wear? We don't want to be matchy matchy, right? I am thinking casual jeans/sweaters. (Thank you Chicago weather for still requiring sweaters in MAY!)
2) Should we try to include Romeo, our lab, in some of the photos? I've read that sometimes a connection like having a similiar dog can be all that it takes for a match to be started. He is part of our family and spoiled much like our children will be! Hoping he can behave, though.
3) Outdoors or Indoors? In front of house? On playground at end of street?
Our friend has taken some great maternity shots and engagement shots, but we are her first adoption profile shots. Anyone have any suggestions? Anyone have any links to profiles that they love how they did their photos? Would love some inspiration!
I can say that I AM doing something in the adoption front by getting these photos taken. Chris still doesn't really get why we need them, but I think it will be nice to have lots to pick from and maybe even nice to have some professional photos of the two of us anyway, right?
Only 11 more school days left in the school year! Yippeeee!
I am trying hard not to overthink it all. That's just not easy for me as you can imagine.
Here are the questions running through my mind- I'd love some feedback if anyone has any! :)
1) What should we wear? We don't want to be matchy matchy, right? I am thinking casual jeans/sweaters. (Thank you Chicago weather for still requiring sweaters in MAY!)
2) Should we try to include Romeo, our lab, in some of the photos? I've read that sometimes a connection like having a similiar dog can be all that it takes for a match to be started. He is part of our family and spoiled much like our children will be! Hoping he can behave, though.
3) Outdoors or Indoors? In front of house? On playground at end of street?
Our friend has taken some great maternity shots and engagement shots, but we are her first adoption profile shots. Anyone have any suggestions? Anyone have any links to profiles that they love how they did their photos? Would love some inspiration!
I can say that I AM doing something in the adoption front by getting these photos taken. Chris still doesn't really get why we need them, but I think it will be nice to have lots to pick from and maybe even nice to have some professional photos of the two of us anyway, right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things have been better with school the past few days. I really LOVE teaching and interacting with the kids. It's all the other crap that comes with teaching these days that really gets me down. Oh well. I did almost strangle a child who asked me if I had kids, and when I said no, he replied, "But you are so old." Yep, gotta love the honesty of middle school boys! Only 11 more school days left in the school year! Yippeeee!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
May in a Middle School....
is just plain CRAZY. While I am so over the rain and cold weather we've had so far this spring, it has kept the spring fever down a little. However, it still is ridiculous at school. I feel like I am drowning in all I need to get done before the end of the school year. Like in THREE WEEKS! I wish I could be giddy in anticipation of my upcoming summer break, I just want to cry.
It is this craziness that has kept me from posting much here. I've spent lots of time grading and dealing with ridiculous amounts of assessments and data reports for the end of the year. I've hardly had any time to myself. I feel bad for Chris as I am just a miserable person to be around right now.
I am also feeling the pull of what would have been our due date had we not miscarried in October. I would have been close to it now. I know that June 5th is going to be a tough day for me. I am trying not to dwell on what would have been. It's been almost 9 months, but dates like this seem to creep up on me. My therapist tells me it's normal and that it will get much easier once I pass what would have been my due date. So add that into everything I need to do for school, and I am just a barrel of fun!
I also have the adoption floating around in my head all the time. There are things that I want and need to do for us to move forward. But we just don't have the resources- time or money to do it right now. It is the most important thing in our life right now, and yet it keeps getting pushed to the back. I keep telling myself that once the school year ends I will be able to focus on it more. (Even though I am teaching summer school and technology inservices for the entire month of June...)
So for now, I am just trying to do one thing at a time. As soon as I feel like I am getting ahead something snaps me back. Today I was feeling super productive and then ended up irritating my eye to the point that the school nurse thought I had scratched my cornea. (Don't ask how I managed that). So I had to stop everything I was doing and then go to the eye doctor only to learn that it is just irritated and swollen and NOT scratched. While I am thrilled it isn't scratched, I wish it hadn't cost me the time and money it did to find that out!
Ok, enough negative Nelly. Going to attempt to get more data reports done tonight!
It is this craziness that has kept me from posting much here. I've spent lots of time grading and dealing with ridiculous amounts of assessments and data reports for the end of the year. I've hardly had any time to myself. I feel bad for Chris as I am just a miserable person to be around right now.
I am also feeling the pull of what would have been our due date had we not miscarried in October. I would have been close to it now. I know that June 5th is going to be a tough day for me. I am trying not to dwell on what would have been. It's been almost 9 months, but dates like this seem to creep up on me. My therapist tells me it's normal and that it will get much easier once I pass what would have been my due date. So add that into everything I need to do for school, and I am just a barrel of fun!
I also have the adoption floating around in my head all the time. There are things that I want and need to do for us to move forward. But we just don't have the resources- time or money to do it right now. It is the most important thing in our life right now, and yet it keeps getting pushed to the back. I keep telling myself that once the school year ends I will be able to focus on it more. (Even though I am teaching summer school and technology inservices for the entire month of June...)
So for now, I am just trying to do one thing at a time. As soon as I feel like I am getting ahead something snaps me back. Today I was feeling super productive and then ended up irritating my eye to the point that the school nurse thought I had scratched my cornea. (Don't ask how I managed that). So I had to stop everything I was doing and then go to the eye doctor only to learn that it is just irritated and swollen and NOT scratched. While I am thrilled it isn't scratched, I wish it hadn't cost me the time and money it did to find that out!
Ok, enough negative Nelly. Going to attempt to get more data reports done tonight!
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