Postal

I took a big step yesterday.

I mailed the application to the adoption agency along with a non-refundable fee of $300.

Now some of you might not see this as a big step, but for me it felt as if I was taking a giant leap for mankind, or womankind, or maybe just this one infertile girl.

I took it to the post office myself and handed it over to the postal worker. I needed to know that it was really on its way.

Am I 100% ready for this. Not even close. My appointment with my therapist assured me that this is ok. I don't have to be 100% at this point. I think I need to have some more closure that I hope will come when I speak to Dr Sch next week.

I have been playing phone tag with the nurses at CC.RM all week. My nurse is out and my back-up nurse hasn't been in when I have called. Another nice nurse called this afternoon and I nicely told her that I would prefer that nurse #2 call me tomorrow so I don't have to go through my whole story. I just didn't want to have to tell my pathetic story.

No sign of AF, either. Haven't POAS- don't think I can stand to see one line, even though that would really be a good thing right now. I am finally digging myself out of the hole that I was in last week, and I fear that seeing that one line would cause me to lose my grip.

Having dinner tomorrow night with a coworker who adopted her daughter 4 years ago and is currently in the process of adopting again. I hope that she can answer some of my nagging questions and help me prepare for the home study process. I admire her a great deal and am really looking forward to spending the time with her.

Postal Application.... we've taken the new route and hopefully this path will lead us to our missing piece. Can I really muster up enough hope to endure the process? Does anyone have any extra hope to send my way?

Once again waiting for AF

I feel like I have spent half of the last 10 years waiting for AF to show. Sometimes I wanted her to come, and other times I dreaded her arrival. Once again I am waiting for her to show her ugly face.

I called my beloved nurse today and left a message. She told me to call sometime around 30 days after I stopped all meds if AF didn't show on her own.

It's been 37 days.

Am I surprised? Not one bit.

I had a message from a nurse I have never spoken to because both my nurse and my "back-up" nurse are off today. Nurse #2 is supposed to be in tomorrow. I didn't want to go through my whole story with someone new, so I decided I will just call back tomorrow. What's one more day at this point?

Here is the crazy part... I find myself actually fantasizing that I am in fact pregnant again. Like that is the reason that AF hasn't shown. You would think that after almost a DECADE of infertility, I wouldn't still have such silly little fantasies. But then I start thinking, I've never been that pregnant before, maybe my body has it all figured out now.

So I will POAS tomorrow. Not because I think my fantasy will come true, but because I know that the nurse will ask. I still have one left from last month. This way I can use it up and not have any of them left in the house at all.

In all reality, I am sure my hormones are just all out of whack and that it is going to take some medical intervention to bring on AF. A miscarriage and PCOS? Sounds like the perfect cocktail for the never ending cycle.

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In non-infertility news, the house repairs are almost done. We just need gutters and the exterior will be finished. I smile each time I pull into the driveway and see the yellow siding. (I grumble a little when I pull in next to the dumpster that the contractors have yet to remove) I came home today and Chris had finished some of the painting repairs from the water damage inside. I decided to go bold and chose a deep purple for one wall. I LOVE it. I will feel so much better once my house is somewhat put back together. It will be nice to have one part of the chaos under control.

Coming to terms

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I might just be a tad depressed. I am hoping that PMS is partially to blame, or at least hormone fluctuations. I seem to get teary several times a day about things. I hope that I will be able to manage this over the next few days and be on my way back "up"

I have to spend all day tomorrow at a meeting/inservice for the special education teachers for the district. REALLY not looking forward to it. These are always intense and I am pretty sure I am going to get my hands slapped about some assessments that I am behind on. With my current emotional state, that might be the recipe for disaster. We'll see.

On a bright note, the siding is ALL DONE! We just need to have one more window replaced and the gutters installed and everything is done. Chris has been working on repairs on the inside as well. I am hopeful that we will have all of the storm related repairs will be done by Thanksgiving. Hopefully I can get my studio put back together by then too. I need to pick a paint color for the wall that goes up the stairs to the studio. I am leaning towards a bold color. I stopped and got some paint samples.

We've filled out most of the adoption application. Chris and I need to fill out a few questions together. I am hoping we can do that tonight. We are still not in "sync" and I feel that he still needs to have his breakdown about all of this. I don't think he has allowed himself to grieve yet, and is just keeping it all bottled up. I think that is why he is so focused on "moving on" because he doesn't want to think about what the last year, and especially the last month has held for us.

With the time change, it is now pitch black by 5:00 every night. That's not helping my mood much, either. I feel like I should be getting ready for bed, and I haven't even started dinner yet! I do love the fact that I am driving to work in the daylight, but know that won't last much longer, either!

I have lots of thoughts swirling in my head for blog posts I want to write and hope to get some of them out soon. My heart is breaking for some of my fellow IF vets who have experienced losses and negatives in the past week. It's just not fair. These women have endured so much and put so much into their cycles. I am thankful for the support of the blogging community and knowing that I am not alone in this struggle.

One step forward, two steps back

So much for feeling normal again. I did feel pretty "ok" over the weekend for the most part.

Today I met with my therapist. She said the "D" word to me... she thinks I might be depressed. While I know many of you might be saying, "Duh," I was really thinking that I had a handle on things. Due to my family history of mental health issues, I get nervous when people start talking about depression. I have fought hard to stay out of that path even with all of the crap the universe has thrown at me. I did spend some time in the land of depression a few years ago, and I don't want to go back. However, I know that this is situational for me, and not a chronic issue as it is for my family members. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

She also feels that I might just be hitting the "rock bottom" at this point and that things are going to get better from here. I just have so many unresolved feelings about the miscarriage and moving forward. I have a great deal of anger about the recent turn of events and the obstacles that are ahead of us as we move forward into the adoption world. Right now, I feel like I am just going through the motions of daily life. I know this is all to be expected, but I really thought I had control. But really, do any of us have any control?

Just reading the adoption application has opened some old wounds. As a veteran of the infertility world, I have spent years trying to become a parent. And time and time again I have been knocked down. You feel like the universe is trying to tell you that you are not meant to be a parent. And then you start down the adoption road, and every step of the way you are forced to prove that you are meant to be a parent. In my heart, I know that Chris and I are meant to be parents. My head is having a hard time wrapping around the idea. And if my head is having a hard time, how am I supposed to prove that we are going to be good parents and deserve the right to parent? It's a hard shift to make. If any of you are reading and can help me make this shift, I would be grateful.

Thank you all for your kind words. There are days that I feel that no one understands where I am coming from. Knowing that there are people out there that have been in my shoes makes it easier to take steps forward.

In house news, the siding guys didn't come today. There is ONLY ONE SIDE LEFT. Can't just one thing fall into place? Hoping that they come tomorrow and that we can finally have one part of our life under control.

One month

It's been one month since my life was turned upside down.

If things had gone differently, I would be at 10 weeks today.

I think I am starting to heal. I only tear up a few times a day, and usually when talking to someone about the miscarriage or something related to moving forward. I was treated to an awesome pedicure yesterday with a good friend. It was nice to go out and do something normal. She and I hadn't seen each other since the miscarriage, and it was nice to talk about it with her. She is a parent from our swim team who has dealt with her own infertility back when IVF was in its early stages. She and her husband have been so very supportive of Chris professionally as well as personally. We are so lucky to have such good people in our lives who understand and support us. We don't have that in our families, so we are so grateful for people like Barb and her family.



I've spent the last two days creating some thank you cards for those who have been so kind to us. It feels good to be creative. It is such an important part of who I am and is critical for my mental well being. I haven't taken any time to be creative since the miscarriage. I am starting to feel a little human again. It will be even better once we can get my studio back together. I hope that will be soon since we are on the final steps of the outside repairs.

We received the application from the adoption agency in the mail Friday. I haven't started filling it out just yet. It is overwhelming and frustrating to see in black and white all the hoops we have to go through just to start the process. I've started reading the book "Adopting after Infertility." It has been OK, but is definitely a little outdated. I also feel that I need to have the follow up with Dr Sch to completely close the treatment door. However, filling out the application doesn't commit us to moving in that path. Worst case- we send it in (along with the $300 fee) and we don't move forward and lose the money. After spending more than $20,000 in the last 18 months with nothing to show for it, what's another $300?

Progress on the House...

After my angry post yesterday, I thought I would follow up with a more positive one.

They finished two sides of the house with the new yellow siding. It sure makes me happy!

Here is the front as it was tonight.... (there is still more to do, like the light and the gutters... and the siding on the second story)

You can see the corner of the GIANT dumpster at the right edge of the photo. Boy, will I be glad when it is GONE! The front door is new as well, and I love the scrolled doorknob we installed.

Here is one of the side of the house. This is the side that took most of the damage from the storm when a chimney that used to live between the two smaller windows came crashing down. It was a non-functional chimney that was probably used to heat the home in years past.


And just to add more things that make me happy...

Here are my two geriatric pets snuggling together. Both of them are not in great health, and I know that we are going to have to make some tough decisions. For now, I am just going to enjoy moments like this one.
And then there is Romeo. I was trying to carry in groceries and he really wanted to play. He pulled this "stick" out of the bushes next to our house. He really thought I was going to play fetch with it. (Please ignore the state of my yard. Construction + Dogs = muddy mess of a yard!)



Chris did talk to the adoption agency today and they are sending out the information packet. It's a small step.

Hope you are all having a good night.

Phone Calls & PMS

I finally made some phone calls today.

The first was to the business office at CC.RM. While I adore just about everything about the office and the staff- the business office leaves a little to be desired. I won't go into details, but there is some confusion about a credit that I had and now don't have. (It was applied already...?!) We were told one thing when we met with them last year, and are now getting different information now. It's adding frustration where I really don't need it right now.

Then I transferred to make an appointment for our phone regroup with Dr Sch. The earliest available is November 23rd.... I started with explaining that I had a miscarriage, thinking that would at least get me some sympathy with the woman. No such luck. Then she proceeded to tell me that the charge would be $180. Really? My nurse assured me that there was NO CHARGE since I had a miscarriage. I told this to the woman repeatedly, having to say the word miscarriage over and over. You would have thought I would have at least gotten an "I'm sorry." Nope. She put me on hold for about 10 minutes and then came back to tell me that she would in fact make a note that there was no charge, but she had to talk with a supervisor before she could do that. (Thus the reason I was put on hold for so long?!) I realize that they see lots of people there, and this was probably just a receptionist, but really? How about some compassion for someone who has had an epic failure at your clinic?

She then proceeded to tell me that I needed to fill out a medical update form in order to speak with the Dr since it had been more than 2 weeks since I last talked to him. Really? She said she would email it to me.

Guess what the first question was?

Have you had any pregnancies, deliveries, or losses since you last were at CC.RM?

Um, yep. It happened as a result of my last visit to CC.RM. Does that count?

It goes on to ask about my social and sexual habits. Really? Not much of either of those since I miscarried three and a half weeks ago. Thank you very much.

I forwarded it to my nurse, who is off today and tomorrow, but I know she will get back to me. I asked if I really needed to fill this out. It is not as if I have been off having a grand old time since I was last at CC.RM.

On top of this, I think I am seriously PMSing. Which I suppose is a good thing, because it has been 21 days since I stopped all meds. Could I possibly have a normal cycle right off the miscarriage? I had some spotting yesterday, but nothing today. I felt a little crampy a few times today too. I have been told to expect a horrible period. Isn't that a nice little added bonus to a miscarriage? As you might have guessed by reading this far, I am a tad crabby as a result.

I also made a call to the agency we started our home study with in 2007. We never finished the process as the placement went south before we could. I left a message for someone to call me. It's a step I suppose.

On a bright note, we finally have siding starting to go up on the side of the house. We had major storm damage last JUNE and thanks to delays by insurance and our contractor, we are just now getting things finally done. It is a nice soft buttercream yellow, and it does make me happy to see it. Only part of one side is done, but I hope that the front will be done tomorrow. It will be nice to pull into the driveway and see the finished project. It will also be nice to have the giant dumpster out of the driveway, too! Let's hope the entire house is done before it snows... which really could happen any time now.

Rant over...