I am still here... and still numb. I "forget" about the negative for a little bit, and then when it comes back into my mind I almost have a panic attack. I break into tears at random times. It seems that I am most likely to fall into tears when people are being kind. I read kind words from friends in a text or email, and I am instantly in tears. A friend called to check on Chris and I and I couldn't take her call and instead burst into tears. I think it is strange that it is the goodness that makes me want to cry the most.
I am glad I decided to stay home today, and I might stay home tomorrow too. I had some good friends share the news with my coworkers today and also tell everyone that I didn't want to talk about it. Again, the kindness factor seems to bring about the biggest tears. I also know that I can not be a good teacher when I am so angry and raw. While I know I have to go back at some point, and that having the distraction of work will help, I know that I am just not ready yet.
I've kept distracted reading the last few days. Right now I am reading 29 Gifts by Cami Walker. Enjoying the message and being reminded that my life could be worse. I also read Dear John and The Lightning Thief. Both light reads. Lightning Thief was good but Dear John not so much.
The head of the swim team told Chris to take a few days off... so thankfully he will be back home shortly. I don't like being home alone right now. He had to go in for the High School team. He is dreading seeing parents tonight knowing that he will have to face them all with our news. We were WAY too open about this IVF. But we thought it was going to work....
Monday, February 8, 2010
WHY?????
It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I fell asleep at 8:30 from exhaustion and the stupid medication still in my system. I woke up about 1:30 in a full panic attack when I realized that this really happened to us. We really go another friggin negative. A negative at the best flippin clinic in the country. What the hell?
Fair warning- I am angry right now and about to vent. I might offend you. Feel free to stop reading right here.
I just spent over $20,000 on this cycle. I gave up ALL caffeine, including my beloved chocolate. I missed a total of 15 days of work. I have been pumping drugs into my body for months that had side effects that ranged from a constant headache to spotting and constrant cramps. I have done literally HUNDREDS of injections. I have used just about every friend I have in order to make it possible for us to spend time out of town. We spent a total of 2 weeks in Denver and never saw any of the mountains or other amazing things that it has to offer. I have let my professional responsibilities slide. And all for what? NOTHING!
And let's not even start on the fairness of this all. I am YOUNG when it comes to people who go to CCRM. I am "only" freaking 34! We have learned of TWO teenage girls who are pregnant in the past month. REALLY? You have got to be kidding me. And after spending all of this money, we are NO CLOSER to knowing anything. We don't have the promise of a baby, and we have NO FLIPPING idea why it won't work?!
I hope that when we talk to the RE today or tomorrow he has some answers for us, but I am not thinking he will. EVERY Dr has told us that they simply don't know why it doesn't work for us. I have had EVERY test known to man over the past 10 yeas. I can't think of a SINGLE thing I can ask to do. But yet, I can't imagine walking away from our final embryo that is considered "normal" and is still frozen in Denver. Chris says there is NO WAY he will even consider doing anything. I guess I just want it to be all over. I don't want the knowledge of that embryo to hang over us.
And dont get me started about God. For the first time in years, I thought my faith was restored. No way. I can't believe that there is a God who would allow so much pain and suffering in the world. We had all of these people with strong faith praying for us. Everyone says that God has a plan. Well guess what? I don't buy it. I can't beleive in a God who allows teenagers with mental instability to get pregnant at the drop of a hat and strings along good people with the carrot of a possible pregnancy only to tear it away. I am done.
All I can say to my husband is I am sorry. Once again, I have robbed him of being a father. He is heartbroken and I don't know how to heal this. I love him more than I can ever say and yet once again I have put him in a place of terrible pain. This was supposed to be it dammit. This was supposed to be our chance to finally have the child we so desperately want. We've worked hard in life. And now we have spent our life savings and have NO money to even consider jumping into the adoption ring again. And if we want to transfer that remaining embryo? That will be another $6000 thank you.
You would think that I would get the hint. We are not destined to be parents. How many times to I have to be hit upside the head before I get out of the ring? When will I learn? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expected different results. I think this last cycle shows that I have definitely crossed over into the land of insanity.
One last soapbox before I try to go back to sleep- Please recognize infertility as a DISEASE. While many don't see it as life threatening, it is life altering. Please don't tell people to just relax or to take a vacation and it will all work out. You wouldn't tell someone dealing with diabetes that, now would you? It is a MEDICAL diagnosis that deserves to be treated as such. Please respect those around you who do not have children. You may not know their whole story. Don't ask people why they don't have children. You just don't know what pain might be behind that question.
I may regret this post in the morning, but I needed to get this all out in the hopes that it will help me sleep. Thank goodness I decided to take a sick day so that I can get myself together before I have to deal with my students. I have to get back on a regular schedule but that might take a few days until all of this crappy mediation is out of my system. And one more great thing... I will get the period from HELL in a few days. Isn't that the best present at the end of all of this?!
Going to try to get some sleep now...
Fair warning- I am angry right now and about to vent. I might offend you. Feel free to stop reading right here.
I just spent over $20,000 on this cycle. I gave up ALL caffeine, including my beloved chocolate. I missed a total of 15 days of work. I have been pumping drugs into my body for months that had side effects that ranged from a constant headache to spotting and constrant cramps. I have done literally HUNDREDS of injections. I have used just about every friend I have in order to make it possible for us to spend time out of town. We spent a total of 2 weeks in Denver and never saw any of the mountains or other amazing things that it has to offer. I have let my professional responsibilities slide. And all for what? NOTHING!
And let's not even start on the fairness of this all. I am YOUNG when it comes to people who go to CCRM. I am "only" freaking 34! We have learned of TWO teenage girls who are pregnant in the past month. REALLY? You have got to be kidding me. And after spending all of this money, we are NO CLOSER to knowing anything. We don't have the promise of a baby, and we have NO FLIPPING idea why it won't work?!
I hope that when we talk to the RE today or tomorrow he has some answers for us, but I am not thinking he will. EVERY Dr has told us that they simply don't know why it doesn't work for us. I have had EVERY test known to man over the past 10 yeas. I can't think of a SINGLE thing I can ask to do. But yet, I can't imagine walking away from our final embryo that is considered "normal" and is still frozen in Denver. Chris says there is NO WAY he will even consider doing anything. I guess I just want it to be all over. I don't want the knowledge of that embryo to hang over us.
And dont get me started about God. For the first time in years, I thought my faith was restored. No way. I can't believe that there is a God who would allow so much pain and suffering in the world. We had all of these people with strong faith praying for us. Everyone says that God has a plan. Well guess what? I don't buy it. I can't beleive in a God who allows teenagers with mental instability to get pregnant at the drop of a hat and strings along good people with the carrot of a possible pregnancy only to tear it away. I am done.
All I can say to my husband is I am sorry. Once again, I have robbed him of being a father. He is heartbroken and I don't know how to heal this. I love him more than I can ever say and yet once again I have put him in a place of terrible pain. This was supposed to be it dammit. This was supposed to be our chance to finally have the child we so desperately want. We've worked hard in life. And now we have spent our life savings and have NO money to even consider jumping into the adoption ring again. And if we want to transfer that remaining embryo? That will be another $6000 thank you.
You would think that I would get the hint. We are not destined to be parents. How many times to I have to be hit upside the head before I get out of the ring? When will I learn? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expected different results. I think this last cycle shows that I have definitely crossed over into the land of insanity.
One last soapbox before I try to go back to sleep- Please recognize infertility as a DISEASE. While many don't see it as life threatening, it is life altering. Please don't tell people to just relax or to take a vacation and it will all work out. You wouldn't tell someone dealing with diabetes that, now would you? It is a MEDICAL diagnosis that deserves to be treated as such. Please respect those around you who do not have children. You may not know their whole story. Don't ask people why they don't have children. You just don't know what pain might be behind that question.
I may regret this post in the morning, but I needed to get this all out in the hopes that it will help me sleep. Thank goodness I decided to take a sick day so that I can get myself together before I have to deal with my students. I have to get back on a regular schedule but that might take a few days until all of this crappy mediation is out of my system. And one more great thing... I will get the period from HELL in a few days. Isn't that the best present at the end of all of this?!
Going to try to get some sleep now...
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Negative
Once again, my hope for a miracle is for naught. Negative. Beta was less than 2. Not even a HINT of a positive. Dr is supposed to call us either tomorrow or Tuesday for a follow up. Chris is heartbroken. I am angry that I actually let myself think this might work.
Today is the DAY!
I am heading out the door in a few moments for my beta. I am shaking already, so it might be interesting to see how they are able to draw blood. I haven't taken any more HPT mostly because I couldn't stomach the thought of seeing another negative. I keep reminding myself that I have done all that I can at this point and it is out of my hands. I just wish I had a little more control!
I don't know what to think at this point. I am worried that my body is not absorbing the progesterone at the correct rate anymore. Chris is so sure that we will get a positive today. I was sure until yesterday. Chris has a meet today, so I am doing it solo today. That scares me too. He promised to come home if the news was not good.
Said my prayers this morning... nothing more I can do now. I will continue to pray for the strength to endure whatever the results may be. Did I mention that I am scared?
Ok... off I go!
I don't know what to think at this point. I am worried that my body is not absorbing the progesterone at the correct rate anymore. Chris is so sure that we will get a positive today. I was sure until yesterday. Chris has a meet today, so I am doing it solo today. That scares me too. He promised to come home if the news was not good.
Said my prayers this morning... nothing more I can do now. I will continue to pray for the strength to endure whatever the results may be. Did I mention that I am scared?
Ok... off I go!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
8dp5dt... a little less hopeful
So I did it this morning, I took the HPT at 4:30 am (yep, that is when I had to get up and pee) Now I was also up at 1:30. I was so hopeful that I would have a blazing positive and be able to share that moment with Chris. Not so much. Only one stinking line. I am trying hard to remain calm and not freak out yet. It could be too early. It just seems that pretty much everyone on the boards who has done the FET with normals, saw a +HPT by this time.
Part of me wishes I had waited and not done it yet. However, I am thankful to have 24 hours to prepare for my beta now. I was living in a fantasy world thinking that this time was different and it was really going to work. I have had two different dreams, and each one of them had a + hpt in it. Too bad that didn't transfer to my real life this morning.
I promised Chris I would stay positive and not count this as over yet. I am trying, really I am. Of course it doesn't help that he will be gone all day and home late tonight because he is at a swim meet all weekend. That means I am home alone trying to keep my mind busy so I don't obsess about the test this morning. I am wide awake at it is only 6:30 am. Hoping I will be able to fall back asleep at some point.
We've told so many people about this. There are so many people praying for us and thinking that this is our miracle. I am hoping that all of that positiveness will make our miracle really come true tomorrow.
Part of me wishes I had waited and not done it yet. However, I am thankful to have 24 hours to prepare for my beta now. I was living in a fantasy world thinking that this time was different and it was really going to work. I have had two different dreams, and each one of them had a + hpt in it. Too bad that didn't transfer to my real life this morning.
I promised Chris I would stay positive and not count this as over yet. I am trying, really I am. Of course it doesn't help that he will be gone all day and home late tonight because he is at a swim meet all weekend. That means I am home alone trying to keep my mind busy so I don't obsess about the test this morning. I am wide awake at it is only 6:30 am. Hoping I will be able to fall back asleep at some point.
We've told so many people about this. There are so many people praying for us and thinking that this is our miracle. I am hoping that all of that positiveness will make our miracle really come true tomorrow.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Friday night...
One day closer to knowing how this story will end...
I am so glad today is Friday and I don't have to deal with middle school students tomorrow. I might not have made it another day without harming someone! :) The kids have cabin fever and there is just a stress in the air. There are impending staff cuts for next year and the upcoming state tests to name two of the big stresses at school right now. I am so thankful that I have tenure and don't have to deal with the added stress of worrying about my job for next year. I am sad for some of my coworkers that are excellent teachers may lose their jobs due to bureaucracy and budget cuts.
Trying to watch some tv from last night to keep myself from thinking about whether or not I am pregnant. I fell asleep at 7:30 last night so I missed both Grey's and Private Practice. Romeo wants me to play frisbee with him in the worst way. He just doesn't seem to understand that mommy can't really play with him right now. I might have to sweet talk a few friends into coming over to play with him.
I seem to still have some symptoms/side effects today. The "girls" were REALLY sore when I went to bed last night. I had some serious cramping this morning on my drive into work. It's 6:30 and I am ready for bed.
While I hate being in this limbo land, I am living in the land of HOPE right now. I am hopeful that we will finally have our miracle. I am hopeful that we have done all that we could do to make this work, and that it will in fact work. I am hopeful that all of the sacrifices and hardships we've endured to make this IVF/FET possible will all be worth it. While I HATE being in limbo land, at least this time I am living in a HOPEFUL limbo land. :)
Ok, off to make some dinner and enjoy one more night of blissful ignorance...
I am so glad today is Friday and I don't have to deal with middle school students tomorrow. I might not have made it another day without harming someone! :) The kids have cabin fever and there is just a stress in the air. There are impending staff cuts for next year and the upcoming state tests to name two of the big stresses at school right now. I am so thankful that I have tenure and don't have to deal with the added stress of worrying about my job for next year. I am sad for some of my coworkers that are excellent teachers may lose their jobs due to bureaucracy and budget cuts.
Trying to watch some tv from last night to keep myself from thinking about whether or not I am pregnant. I fell asleep at 7:30 last night so I missed both Grey's and Private Practice. Romeo wants me to play frisbee with him in the worst way. He just doesn't seem to understand that mommy can't really play with him right now. I might have to sweet talk a few friends into coming over to play with him.
I seem to still have some symptoms/side effects today. The "girls" were REALLY sore when I went to bed last night. I had some serious cramping this morning on my drive into work. It's 6:30 and I am ready for bed.
While I hate being in this limbo land, I am living in the land of HOPE right now. I am hopeful that we will finally have our miracle. I am hopeful that we have done all that we could do to make this work, and that it will in fact work. I am hopeful that all of the sacrifices and hardships we've endured to make this IVF/FET possible will all be worth it. While I HATE being in limbo land, at least this time I am living in a HOPEFUL limbo land. :)
Ok, off to make some dinner and enjoy one more night of blissful ignorance...
Thursday, February 4, 2010
6dp5dt
Oh how I wish I could fast forward to Sunday. Today we are 6dp5dt- which means we are 6 days past a 5 day transfer. Our embryos were considered 5 days (or 6) old when we transferred them. In non-IVF terms, that means that I am 11 days past "ovulation". Sunday is our big day... the day I will have my blood test to see if our two little frosties decided to stick around or not.
I am REALLY tired today and have had a lower back pain for several days. I also have some tenderness in my "girls" so to speak. All signs that I could be pregnant, but also side effects of the medications I am on. I so wish there was a magic wand that could just tell you right away if the embryos were going to "stick". I wonder if some day the technology will be there that will allow just that to happen.
I am hopeful. I really am. I bought some HPTs yesterday but have resisted using them. As of this moment, my plan is to do it on Saturday morning. Chris has a meet through the weekend so we will not be together when we get the call on Sunday. I know that being with him at the meet is just not an option for me. If we get bad news, that will be the last place I will want to be. If it is good news, I am not sure that is where I want to be either. So, the plan is to do the HPT before so that we know what the blood test *should* show.
I forgot how hard this process is. Here we are at the home stretch. The news on Sunday will either give meaning to the past four years of my life, or will make me question what we are going to do from here.
Hoping I can keep my sanity for the next few days...
I am REALLY tired today and have had a lower back pain for several days. I also have some tenderness in my "girls" so to speak. All signs that I could be pregnant, but also side effects of the medications I am on. I so wish there was a magic wand that could just tell you right away if the embryos were going to "stick". I wonder if some day the technology will be there that will allow just that to happen.
I am hopeful. I really am. I bought some HPTs yesterday but have resisted using them. As of this moment, my plan is to do it on Saturday morning. Chris has a meet through the weekend so we will not be together when we get the call on Sunday. I know that being with him at the meet is just not an option for me. If we get bad news, that will be the last place I will want to be. If it is good news, I am not sure that is where I want to be either. So, the plan is to do the HPT before so that we know what the blood test *should* show.
I forgot how hard this process is. Here we are at the home stretch. The news on Sunday will either give meaning to the past four years of my life, or will make me question what we are going to do from here.
Hoping I can keep my sanity for the next few days...
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