2009 was a big year!

I've thought a lot about this post. 2009 truly was a big year for me and I am so thankful for all that I was able to accomplish this year. I am so blessed to have so many amazing friends who have supported me through all of the challenges and accomplishments of 2009.

1. I finished my master's degree in Reading and Literacy

This was a big deal for me. I have wanted to go back to school really since I finished my undergrad. Money, time, and other issues kept getting in the way. I realized that this was something that I needed to do for myself. I am so glad I took the plunge and started the program in 2008. I really did enjoy going back to school and feel that I am a better teacher as a result. It also gives me another teaching option should I decide that I need a break from Special Education. I officially finished on November 4th, but my transcript will say December 31st as a graduation date. I am planning to walk in the graduation ceremony in May.

2. We made the trip to CCRM in Colorado
I've been frozen in terms of dealing with our infertility. I was terrified to pursue treatment again and even calling for a consult with the clinic took me months to do. This was the push I needed to consider treatment again. The new technology offered by this clinic made it possible for me to consider doing our final IVF. While I wish I had made the call years ago, the technology wasn't available so I know this was the right time for me to make the call and have the consult with CCRM. I have been paralyzed by our infertility for so many years and I am finally breaking free!

3. We did our final IVF
This is probably the biggest aspect of 2009. We took the plunge and decided to complete this final IVF with CCRM in Colorado. While it was challenging to cycle with a clinic out of state, it was the best decision we have made in a long time. We got the specialized care we needed and were given technology that is not available anywhere else. I survived stimulation and the egg retrieval surgery and we got the best news that we have normal embryos to transfer at the end of January. There aren't words to express just how happy I am that we did this IVF. I have hope again, something that I haven't had in a LONG time.

4. My marriage is stronger than ever
Many marriages simply can't survive the blow of infertility. While it has not been easy for us, I really feel that our marriage has become stronger as a result. We've grown and changed so much since we met back in high school. We are on the same page, and have grown closer as we went through the IVF this fall. We've risen above the challenges of our families and are learning to live as a family ourselves. A child would be a true blessing at this point and we are fully ready to give our love to a child. I love Chris more today than yesterday, and I know that love will continue to grow. He is my rock and my friend and I simply can't imagine life without him.

5. I am creating a home I am proud of
We've spent lots of time on our home and are continuing to make it a place we are proud of. We have lots more projects to complete but we are making progress. I am working to keep our home clean and orderly. This is important for Chris and I as we didn't grow up in the cleanest homes. We are learning to embrace our old home and appreciate its charm. We have big plans for 2010!

I am feeling good about closing out 2009 tonight. I feel that I have come a long way from the end of 2008. I am looking forward to 2010 and have high hopes that our lives will change in a big way thanks to the ground work we've done in 2009!

May you all have a safe and fun New Year's Eve surrounded by friends and loved ones. I wish you all peace and happiness in 2010!

Here we go again...

Today is the day... the day I start meds for our FET at the end of January. I have so many mixed emotions right now. I am terrified. I am hopeful. I am scared. I am excited. I am a mess! The statistics are with us, so we should have good news by Valentine's Day. That's the next holiday, and hopefully we will have plenty to celebrate! (Did I really just commit that to writing?!)

So tonight I start L.upron. I *hate* this medication and its side effects. I don't fully understand why I have to take it for the FET, but since CCRM has such high success with their protocols, I am not going to ask any questions. This medication shuts down my pituitary gland so I don't make any of my own estrogen. This keeps me from ovulating, and allows the doctors to have complete control over my body through the other medications. (We'll get into those meds in a minute). I am also still on Birth Control Pills, so I am hoping that the little bit of estrogen in them will help ease the side effects of the lu.pron. When I was stimming in October, I ended up with rotten headaches and hot flashes. I start at a higher dose, but am only on the high dose for a little over a week.

So for those of you (all two of you) that are reading this, here is the overview of how this month will go. I am on the bcp/lu.pron through January 5th. I stop BCP and hopefully get a period by the 8th. On the 10th, I will decrease to 5 units of lupron and start adding in vi.velle patches. These are little estrogen stickers that I get to stick onto my torso every other day. I am a little worried about how I will react to the adhesive, especially with the dry cold weather and my sensitive skin. I start with one patch and will eventually be on 4 patches every other day. This will trick my body into creating a nice fluffy lining without ever ovulating.

Once I have a nice lining going, I will start adding progesterone. These lovely little gems have to be *inserted* three times a day. Yehaw! Sounds like fun, huh? The alternative is progesterone in oil injections which are not pleasant for Chris or I, so I guess I will give it a try. I have had low progesterone in the past, so I am worried about this new method of progesterone. Trying hard to have faith that CCRM knows what they are doing. There are MANY women who get positive results and I will go for blood work and ultrasound locally before heading out to Denver.

Chris booked our flights and hotel on Sunday. I was still holding out on doing that, but he went for it. He is so ready for this to happen. I am so thankful that he just took control of it all. The only thing we haven't booked is our rental car. Last time we were there they had a blizzard, so we were so thankful we booked an SUV. This time the SUVs are ridiculous in cost. We won't be doing any sightseeing, but we will need to be guaranteed the ability to get to the clinic. We are torn as to what to do.

We fly out to Denver on Thursday January 28th. The little frozen beans will be thawed on Friday morning and I will have some bloodwork and ultrasound at the clinic. They will be transferred on Friday afternoon, and then I am on strict bedrest for 48 hours. It will be hard to be in beautiful Denver but only able to see the inside of the hotel room! We could have chosen to fly home on Sunday, but we decided to wait and take an early morning flight on Monday. This will get Chris home in time to do practice but will give us a few extra hours of bedrest. Trying to do EVERYTHING we can to make this work. At Chris' request I am taking Tuesday off from work too.

So, here we go! I have to decide what time to do the first shot tonight since it has to be at the same time each night. It's been nice not being tied to a syringe every night, but it will be worth it in the end... I HOPE.

Christmas Morning

Merry Christmas! I am still waiting for Chris to fully wake up so that we can open presents this morning. We had a wonderful time last night. We went to a newer restaraunt here in town called David's Bistro. We both had AMAZING meals. I love how they decorate the downtown area with each of the trees lining Main Street covered in lights. It was really pretty despite the fact that it was raining... yep, raining! We then went to our good friends' house where they were hosting their families. We were there in time for dessert and to track Santa at Norad with the kids. That is one of my favorite traditions each Christmas Eve. We sure didn't have a way to track Santa like that when I was a kid! :)

I have a breakfast casserole in the oven that I made last night. Hoping it turns out better than last year's attempt. The stockings are stuffed and Romeo is beside himself because he REALLY wants to get into his. The cat is also circling their stocking as I speak as there is catnip in it too.

Really hoping there is no drama today at my aunt's house. I really want to have a nice Christmas with my extended family. I sent an email to mom asking her to put things aside for the day and let's just say her response was less than cordial. We are in a facebook status war right now that is actually quite funny when you step back and look at it. Oh well. I know Chris is just as angry as I am and I hope he is able to keep his emotions in check through the day.

Onto brighter things, I am hopeful that this will be the last Christmas that Santa doesn't make a stop at our house. Hoping that 2010 brings wonderful things to us and all those who have been there for Chris and I during the past year. We are so blessed to have so many close friends who care about us and our children yet to be. Trying to focus on the positives today and the rest of the year!

Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve once again.  Usually I am preparing my house for my immediate family to come over for dinner and presents.  Not this year.  Due to some typical family drama, I am not only not hosting Christmas Eve, but Chris and I have been excluded from tonight's festivities.  I was (okay maybe still am) mad about the whole thing, but am thankful that I can sit here on my couch instead of cleaning right now.  I am sad that I won't get to spend time with my niece and nephews.  Being around them has been my saving grace in Christmases past.  But this year I actually have hope that this really might be our last Christmas without a child of our own. 

So what are we going to do tonight?  I think we are going to go out to a nice dinner- that will probably still cost less than I would have spent on food if I was hosting.  We'll then head over to our good friend's house for dessert and some drinks.  They have been more than amazing this year and have been closer than our actual family.  Maybe it is fitting that we spend Christmas Eve with them instead of my family.  I found a recipe for a breakfast casserole for Chris and I to have while opening presents in the morning.  Looking forward to seeing Chris open the presents I got for him this year.

Tomorrow we will go over to my aunt's house.  I offered to make lasagna and bring it over as our main course.  She was more than willing to let me do that!  :)  I made two trays yesterday and they are in my fridge all ready to go.  Things could be interesting tomorrow as my parents and sister will be there as well.  I plan to take the high road and just ignore my sister's dramatics and really try to enjoy the time with my niece and nephews and the rest of my family.  I know our Christmases with Grandma are numbered, so I want to take the time to cherish her.  She has been compassionate towards me and I truly value my relationship with her.  I am sad that my kids will probably not have the same relationship with my mother.  I am comforted in the fact that we have such an extended network of friends that our children will be loved by many people.

On the treatment front, I am just on Birth Control Pills right now to keep things on schedule.  I ordered my medications several weeks ago and the mail order pharmacy run by my insurance company couldn't get their act together  and even tried to charge me more than the retail pharmacy for lupron and the other medications!  I finally canceled the entire order with them and placed the order with Freedom.  They called me the same day and things are set to be delivered on Monday, two days before I need them.  I tried to be proactive and order weeks in advance, but that just didn't work out.  Oh well!  I start the lupron on December 30th.  Happy New Year to me!  LOL.  I stay on BCP until the 5th of January and then start the Vivelle Patches on January 10th.  Not really looking forward to the patches as I have an allergy to adhesive.  The things we do! 

I plan to do my typical year in review post after the holidays... but as much as this post is a downer, I am so very thankful for the past year and do have a great deal to be thankful for.  Hoping to enjoy the holidays and move onto January which could bring very big things to the Bertana house!  :)

DONE WITH FEMARA!!!!!

I took the last femara pill last night. Hallelujuah! I don't think I could have taken it much longer. So thankful that this was a ONE month option rather than the two months of Depot Lupron. After the h*ll that was the past 30 days, PLEASE let it work! I don't know how I will deal with the idea that this was all for nothing. I wish that the RE had been upfront about the side effects of the medication, but I might just be one of the rare ones who have the extreme side effects. That seems to be par for the course for us.

So now we wait for my period to show. She never really left, so hopefully I will be able to tell when CD #1 actually starts. I am only med free for a few days and will be back on BCP next week. The nice part of an FET is that you can schedule it and then work your cycle around it. So I am on the BCPs to control the schedule. I will start Lupron again on December 30th. Nothing like a little lupron to celebrate New Year's!

I had to postpone my annual Girlfriend's Luncheon this year. I am sad about it, but I just didn't have the energy to create the special day I wanted to. I have had a nasty cold all week and have been dealing with the nasty side effects mentioned above. These girls have been there for me every step of the last year. They are an ear when I need one and are genuinely concerned about me and have taken an interest in my quest to be a mother. They have cried with me when I got bad news and cheered for me when there was good news.

I am trying hard to enjoy the holidays this year. I am hopeful for the first time in years that this will in fact be the last Christmas that it is just the two of us. It terrifies me to even put that in writing. I stopped saying that years ago, but this is the first time we have had a really good chance of this actually working. My family situation is not pleasant right now, and that is making things really hard. I wish that my mother could be more supportive of me, but I have come to accept the fact that she simply can't. I am coming to terms with the fact that my children will not have the same relationship with family that I have growing up. But they will be surrounded by people who love them and care for them thanks to our network of amazing friends.

Our dryer died last weekend, so we had to order a new one. It won't be here until Wednesday so I am heading over to a friend's house to do some laundry. They needed someone to watch their son for a little bit this afternoon, so it worked out for everyone. It sure beats going to a laundromat! Off to get my laundry loaded up into my car. :)

We got the call...

I got my call today. Something told me to keep my cell phone with me today. :) I don't normally take it into the lunch room with me, but today I did and that is exactly when the Dr called.

Of the seven we sent, 3 were normal and 1 was a no result, which means it just didn't react to the testing so it could be normal or abnormal. This means that we have the 4 essentially that I wanted.
The interesting part is that what appears to be the highest quality embryos, were the ones that ended up being abnormal. Each embryo was graded on the day it was biopsied and all of my previous embryos were also graded before transfer. We've been told several times that our embryos LOOKED perfect. Now I wonder just how perfect those embryos really were.

Here are the details (more for my records than any real information)
Normal: Day 5 2/3, Day 6 2/3 and Day 6 4BB
Abnormal: Day 5 3AA, Day 6 3BB, Day 6 5BB
No Result: Day 5 2/3

Trying not to obsess about the quality of our normals. I am so thankful that we did the testing, as I am almost sure we would have transferred abnormal embryos based on their blast grades. It makes the VERY expensive price tag easier to swallow knowing this. I am hoping to call and talk with the embryologist and the Dr now that I have had time to process all of this information. When the Dr called I really couldn't focus my thoughts enough to ask any questions. I should have written them down and had them taped to my phone... but I really didn't think we would get the call until next week some time.

We are set to return to Denver in late January. I have 9 more days of Femara and then will wait for AF to show. Once she is here I will go back on BCP until January when I will starting taking supplements to prepare for the FET. To say I am scared about all of this would be a severe understatement. Looking forward to enjoying the holidays. Do I dare to really think that this might be our last child free Christmas?!

3w3d

It has now been three weeks and three days since our little frozen miracles were biopsied and the cells were sent off for testing. We could really hear our results any time now... but probably next week some time. I am already on edge... I can't imagine what I will be like if it more than a week from now before we hear results. I am trying hard to keep busy and not think about it but that is easier said than done.

Trying to throw myself in Christmas preparations and decorating. We got the tree up and I am working on our Christmas cards. We went out to Michael's on Thanksgiving night to get some new cricut cartridges and I am loving playing with them. Two years ago I was able to make ornaments and albums to sell for the holidays. I have high hopes of making some more this year. That means I need to stay off line and be productive when I get home from school.

School is stressful right now. My students are having a hard time with taking pride in their work. I really need to find a way to instill this in my students. They are rushing through work and not doing things correctly. Things are also tense thanks to our school not making AYP. The standards have been set high and I am doing my best to get my kids there... however most also have attendance issues. I can't teach students who don't come to school!

Going to go play with glitter... hopefully that will keep me busy! :)