December 3rd

It's been a long Monday. My grandmother is in the hospital with some respiratory issues. I am praying that she will fight through this and will be healthy in time for the holidays. I may try to go out to see her tomorrow.

Grades are due at 8 am tomorrow morning using the new program. I think I have it pretty much figured out. It is just a tedious process to get everything entered. I have to go back and enter all of the 1st quarter grades eventually too. YUCK... Tomorrow is a training day on the new paper work for special education. Another FUN day.

I did not create my day 3 page yet for my Christmas Journal. I did do the journaling and have an idea in my head. I am just really tired tonight and just don't feel the patience to get it done!

The tree is up and the house is coming together nicely for my luncheon on Sunday. I am getting really excited about having the girls over. I found the perfect plates in the dollar (but not really a dollar, but $2.50) section of Target today. They have pink along with green and red. Love them! Can't wait to get it all together on Sunday. Need to make lists of all of the things running around in my head in order to prepare for Sunday. Maybe I should do that now!

Christmas Journal 2007

Last year I took part in Shimelle's Christmas Journal class. It was amazing. Once you purchase the class, you are in for life, so I was so excited to get the email from her this fall. I am also very lucky to have some of my "virtual" sisters taking the journey with me this year. I am hoping to finish this year and not stop at day 16 like last year. This year the focus is on the words... not just the creativity. So I am trying really hard to keep the pages simple. I decided to go with the 6 x 12 size. I think I will bind it all when I am done with rings like I did last year. We'll see.

So here are the first two pages:
The journaling on the first page:

This is my second Christmas Journal. The process of creating this journal will help me to embrace the joy of the season. Although we have not resolved our infertility and remain childless this Christmas, I will enjoy everything the season has to offer.

This year it will be more about journaling… more about getting my thoughts on paper. I want to remember and reflect. I will write every day, even if I don’t get to create the page. I will allow myself to be free to create, but keep the emphasis on the words.

I will write each evening after Chris heads to work. If I don’t get to my entry, I will forgive myself and move on. I will not punish myself. However, I realize that daily creative time is vital to my happiness.

I enjoyed looking back at last year’s entries and remembering what last year’s season brought. I am creating this journal to create a permanent reminder of what Christmas 2007 was like.

I am also fortunate to be sharing this journey with my “virtual” sisters, girls I had the amazing opportunity to meet this past summer. I hope that this journey will allow us to become closer and share in a “virtual” holiday season

December 1, 2007
Day 2 Journaling:
I really do love the changing seasons we have here in the Midwest. I love winter… I love the pretty snow and even the brisk air. What I don’t love is slush… and that is exactly what we have right now… a big slushy mess. YUCK! Last year we had a blizzard on December 1st. This year the snow came, but it was followed by freezing rain and then just plan rain. It has rained on and off most of the day today too. It is just a mess outside. Every time the dogs go out I just cringe at what their paws will bring in!

I love new mittens… I buy a new pair every year. This year was no different. I bought these rainbow ones on a whim last week. They are really warm and toasty. Now I just need to find a new scarf for the year. I might just have to give up on the idea of having things match, though!

I am fortunate to have a car with 4 wheel drive so I usually feel safe outside in the snow. I do love cuddling up on the couch just as much, though! As a teacher, I also look forward to having a snow day here and there. They are pretty rare, though since we are pretty accustomed to the weather. Since we had one last year, I am not holding my breath for one this year!

December 2, 2007

I am crazy busy this week... so it will be tough to get pages done. I am having my girlfriends from work over on Sunday. Still have lots to do around the house. Grades are due at 8 on Tuesday. I didn't do the grading I should have done this weekend... Oh well! Tomorrow is a new day, right?

Turkey Trot

I did it... I actually ran a 5k... (so maybe I walked about half of it, but I still ran to the finish!)

I am going to continue training over the winter and hopefully actually run an entire 5k come Spring. We'll see.

Thansgiving Eve

Once again the holidays are upon us. Where did 2007 go? It has been a tough fall... probably the toughest one I have ever had. So much loss and pain this fall. I am so happy to see the start of the holiday season- a time of joy and happiness I hope!

Things at school are looking up. My student teacher from the fall was hired on Friday to take over the 7th grade position. That is a huge relief to me. Those students need someone who will give them 110% and I know she is the right person. She has so much energy and passion for teaching. I am really excited to be working with her as a coworker now! I am trying to get my classroom in order as well over the coming weeks. I brought lots of work home. We'll see how much of it I get done.

Chris and I are planning to run in my first 5k tomorrow. YIKES! I am really not ready, so I think there will be some walking mixed in. I am looking forward to it, though. Hopefully the SNOW will stay away! Although I would rather run in snow than rain!

The bathroom remodel is coming along. The paint is up and the new tub is in. Chris is working on the floor today. I am hoping it will be all done in the next two weeks. It's just hard in an older house... nothing is as easy as it seems! LOL.

Working on getting my studio finally finished. It's been more than a year in the making. I just need to get a "place" for everything that needs to stay in here and find a home for things that don't. I am hoping to have some friends over to play so I want to get it all done!

With that... I better get back to work!

Hard to Say Goodbye...

I always have good intentions of keeping up with this blog. Then life gets in the way. It seems that I turn here when I need to process something... I suppose that this the real purpose of this blogging thing.

Just when I thought life was about to get back on track, I am dealt another challenge. A close friend and coworker passed away suddenly last week. I attended the wake this evening, and will be attending the funeral tomorrow. It all just doesn't seem real yet. I really can't believe she is gone.

Wilson had an amazing spirit and energy. She always made me laugh and knew just what I needed to hear. She had overcome so much in her life to become the person she was. I only hope that she can see just how many lives she touched. At her wake this evening, they had to have police officers directing traffic! There were lines of people all night waiting to come and say their goodbye to a beloved friend, coworker, teacher, and coach.

I have so many good memories of her. I don't ever want to forget. For the past seven years of my life, I saw her just about every single day. We even taught summer school together each year. It's hard to imagine what our school will be without her. Her presence will be missed. As a staff we are trying hard to be strong for the students, but still mourning the loss of our friend.

I am hoping to start the healing process tomorrow at the funeral. I have regrets and what if's... things that I didn't say. I only hope she knows just how much I valued her friendship and how deeply she will be missed.

TGIF

I am so glad it's Friday. I need some down time for sure. I think it might be time to evaluate all of my obligations right now and cut back a little. I am so thankful to have our Fall Break just around the corner. 10 days off from work to just regroup. We only have students on Monday and Tuesday of next week. We have an in service on Wednesday all day and then conferences at night. Conferences all day and night on Thursday and then we are off on Friday. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Things have been really stressful at work this fall... which usully would be an ok thing, but with the added stress of the failed adoption, I am just barely keeping it all together. I really love teaching and I have a great bunch of kids. If I could just teach and not worry about all of the other crap I would be so much happier! Change is always hard, but some changes are just too much. I am starting to consider updating my resume and looking at options closer to home.

I am really blessed to have some amazing friends... most of them I have met through work. I would not be able to get through all of this *crap* in my life right now without them. They listen when I need that, and tell me to knock if off when I need that too. :-)

The weather has finally changed here. I was so sick of the heat. It feels good to put on long sleeves and snuggle under the covers. I am hoping the change in weather will also help my mood. But the change in weather also brings the holiday season, and I am coming to terms that we will spend yet another season without a child of our own. I really thought this was going to be *THE* year. It just wasn't meant to be. I hope that I will someday be able to look back at all of this and see the big picture and know the "reason" we went through all of this.

Going to try to get something done tonight while Chris is at work. I need to do samples for the crop I am hosting tomorrow.

Where we've been...

I always have good intentions when it comes to my blog. I know that I NEED to write in order to process my own thoughts. I know there are a FEW of you that check up on me every once in a while and wonder what is happening with me. So here is the scoop.

Chris and I have given all of ourselves to an adoption since June. We were approached by one of my coworkers about adopting. We had considered adoption in the future, but hadn't pursued it. I was ready to jump with both feet into the world of infertility treatment again. And then out plans were diverted.

Adoption was an unknown world to me. I had researched the infertility treatments that I was considering. I had read, read, and read some more. My coping mechanism has always been to gather as much information as I can. So I immersed myself in as much information as I could about the process of adoption. We found a great adoption attorney who has helped us along the way. We plopped down my entire summer school salary to pay for her retainer. We changed directions. We couldn't afford treatment and adoption. So treatment was forgotten.

We met with the expectant mother. She asked us about our lives and shared with us the dreams she had for her child. She asked us if we would consider being in the delivery room. She told us that we had everything she wanted for her child. We started to have some hope again. This was the path that God intended for us. We told our families and friends about our new journey. Our hearts were full of hopes and dreams for this child.

And then things changed. She stopped returning our calls. She told us she wasn't sure. She started interviewing other couples. But we still had hope. Surely God had a greater plan here. Why would he bring this hope back into our lives only to take it away? We continued with our process. Fingerprints, TB tests, etc.... all necessary for us to become parents. Frustrating, but we did it.

Little bits of hope... she picked up the phone. She accepted my gift of a book about open adoption. I listened to the "experts" I didn't push her. I said all of the right things. I told them I was supporting whatever decision she made, even though my heart was breaking. I tried to support her. I even bought a single baby outfit. I bought some baby scrapbook papers. I had hope.

Through our infertility over the years I have endured the waves of hope and despair. Every new treatment option brought some hope. When the treatment failed, despair set in. The cycle continued, but each step brough a little less hope and a little more despair. With the last treatments, I guarded myself- protecting myself from hope. But with this adoption... I let my guard down. I allowed myself to hope.

And here we are. The baby was born on Friday. She has obviously decided to parent as we did not even receive a call that the baby was born. I discovered this fact with a posted note in the teacher's lounge at school. Not even a phone call. We are heartbroken.

So now what.... I don't know. I am at a new low point. I am grieving a child that is very much alive and well... but will not be part of our family. I am mourning the hope I had in this. My faith is wavering once again. WHY were we placed on this path only to have another roadblock? I am angry. I am not angry with the new mother. She and her son will always be in my thoughts and prayers. I am worried about them. I pray that they will have the guidance and support they need.

More than anything I don't understand why God has given us the longing to be parents and yet has not blessed us with a child. I believe we have lessons to learn... but goodness, I feel that I have learned so much already. I also feel that you aren't given more than you can handle. However, I am at my limit. I really don't know how much more two people can take.

I am hoping to post more here to work through all of this. That is my intention, anyway.