Hard to Say Goodbye...

I always have good intentions of keeping up with this blog. Then life gets in the way. It seems that I turn here when I need to process something... I suppose that this the real purpose of this blogging thing.

Just when I thought life was about to get back on track, I am dealt another challenge. A close friend and coworker passed away suddenly last week. I attended the wake this evening, and will be attending the funeral tomorrow. It all just doesn't seem real yet. I really can't believe she is gone.

Wilson had an amazing spirit and energy. She always made me laugh and knew just what I needed to hear. She had overcome so much in her life to become the person she was. I only hope that she can see just how many lives she touched. At her wake this evening, they had to have police officers directing traffic! There were lines of people all night waiting to come and say their goodbye to a beloved friend, coworker, teacher, and coach.

I have so many good memories of her. I don't ever want to forget. For the past seven years of my life, I saw her just about every single day. We even taught summer school together each year. It's hard to imagine what our school will be without her. Her presence will be missed. As a staff we are trying hard to be strong for the students, but still mourning the loss of our friend.

I am hoping to start the healing process tomorrow at the funeral. I have regrets and what if's... things that I didn't say. I only hope she knows just how much I valued her friendship and how deeply she will be missed.

TGIF

I am so glad it's Friday. I need some down time for sure. I think it might be time to evaluate all of my obligations right now and cut back a little. I am so thankful to have our Fall Break just around the corner. 10 days off from work to just regroup. We only have students on Monday and Tuesday of next week. We have an in service on Wednesday all day and then conferences at night. Conferences all day and night on Thursday and then we are off on Friday. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Things have been really stressful at work this fall... which usully would be an ok thing, but with the added stress of the failed adoption, I am just barely keeping it all together. I really love teaching and I have a great bunch of kids. If I could just teach and not worry about all of the other crap I would be so much happier! Change is always hard, but some changes are just too much. I am starting to consider updating my resume and looking at options closer to home.

I am really blessed to have some amazing friends... most of them I have met through work. I would not be able to get through all of this *crap* in my life right now without them. They listen when I need that, and tell me to knock if off when I need that too. :-)

The weather has finally changed here. I was so sick of the heat. It feels good to put on long sleeves and snuggle under the covers. I am hoping the change in weather will also help my mood. But the change in weather also brings the holiday season, and I am coming to terms that we will spend yet another season without a child of our own. I really thought this was going to be *THE* year. It just wasn't meant to be. I hope that I will someday be able to look back at all of this and see the big picture and know the "reason" we went through all of this.

Going to try to get something done tonight while Chris is at work. I need to do samples for the crop I am hosting tomorrow.

Where we've been...

I always have good intentions when it comes to my blog. I know that I NEED to write in order to process my own thoughts. I know there are a FEW of you that check up on me every once in a while and wonder what is happening with me. So here is the scoop.

Chris and I have given all of ourselves to an adoption since June. We were approached by one of my coworkers about adopting. We had considered adoption in the future, but hadn't pursued it. I was ready to jump with both feet into the world of infertility treatment again. And then out plans were diverted.

Adoption was an unknown world to me. I had researched the infertility treatments that I was considering. I had read, read, and read some more. My coping mechanism has always been to gather as much information as I can. So I immersed myself in as much information as I could about the process of adoption. We found a great adoption attorney who has helped us along the way. We plopped down my entire summer school salary to pay for her retainer. We changed directions. We couldn't afford treatment and adoption. So treatment was forgotten.

We met with the expectant mother. She asked us about our lives and shared with us the dreams she had for her child. She asked us if we would consider being in the delivery room. She told us that we had everything she wanted for her child. We started to have some hope again. This was the path that God intended for us. We told our families and friends about our new journey. Our hearts were full of hopes and dreams for this child.

And then things changed. She stopped returning our calls. She told us she wasn't sure. She started interviewing other couples. But we still had hope. Surely God had a greater plan here. Why would he bring this hope back into our lives only to take it away? We continued with our process. Fingerprints, TB tests, etc.... all necessary for us to become parents. Frustrating, but we did it.

Little bits of hope... she picked up the phone. She accepted my gift of a book about open adoption. I listened to the "experts" I didn't push her. I said all of the right things. I told them I was supporting whatever decision she made, even though my heart was breaking. I tried to support her. I even bought a single baby outfit. I bought some baby scrapbook papers. I had hope.

Through our infertility over the years I have endured the waves of hope and despair. Every new treatment option brought some hope. When the treatment failed, despair set in. The cycle continued, but each step brough a little less hope and a little more despair. With the last treatments, I guarded myself- protecting myself from hope. But with this adoption... I let my guard down. I allowed myself to hope.

And here we are. The baby was born on Friday. She has obviously decided to parent as we did not even receive a call that the baby was born. I discovered this fact with a posted note in the teacher's lounge at school. Not even a phone call. We are heartbroken.

So now what.... I don't know. I am at a new low point. I am grieving a child that is very much alive and well... but will not be part of our family. I am mourning the hope I had in this. My faith is wavering once again. WHY were we placed on this path only to have another roadblock? I am angry. I am not angry with the new mother. She and her son will always be in my thoughts and prayers. I am worried about them. I pray that they will have the guidance and support they need.

More than anything I don't understand why God has given us the longing to be parents and yet has not blessed us with a child. I believe we have lessons to learn... but goodness, I feel that I have learned so much already. I also feel that you aren't given more than you can handle. However, I am at my limit. I really don't know how much more two people can take.

I am hoping to post more here to work through all of this. That is my intention, anyway.

Maybe once a week....

So maybe I will only get around to posting once a week... LOL

It's been a stressful week here. We had the mandated state testing thanks to the good old No Child Left Behind Act. In theory, the law is great. In actuality, it is a NIGHTMARE for teachers and children alike. It is my sincere hope that it will be drastically changed with the new congress and hopefully even more drastically once Bush is out of office. (Now you know my political views... oops!)

It just isn't fair. My students have identified learning disabilities. They are not at grade level, and won't be there any time soon, no matter how much I work with them. They have a DISABILITY that makes this difficult. I spend my year working with these kids on their academic skills. However, a great deal of my time is spent building their self esteem and making them realize that they are NOT STUPID. Then comes this dreaded week... where I have to put a grade level test in front of them and force them to do it all on their own. I can't read to them. They are forced to write an extended written response to a reading selection... too bad they can't read it! By the end of the week, they just look defeated. I feel defeated. My heart breaks for them.

So now I will spend the rest of the year rebuilding their trust in me and the education system. I am glad the tests are over, so now I can teach the things that they really need to know to be good human beings. Things like thinking for yourself, enjoying a piece of literature just as entertainment, creating a budget, etc... I could go on and on about this. But I am done... the tests will soon be on their way to the state for grading. The other great side to this testing... we only got the results from LAST YEAR a few weeks ago. Too bad we had no idea what areas we needed to address. Love it when politicians get involved in education.... OK, vent really over now!
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On a scrapbooking note, I have been busy. I have so much other stuff that I need to do, but scrapbooking is my creative outlet that helps to keep my sanity. Here are some of my recent projects.

This is a centerpiece I made for a co-workers shower. She is getting married on St. Patrick's day (which is a great day, of course!)

I was also asked by another co-worker to create a shower gift for her to give. She is hosting the shower today and wanted a way for people to leave a message for the bride to be. I created two envelope albums that have cards inside for people to leave a message. I can't wait to hear how it worked at the shower today!

This is one of the books closed

These are two of my favorite pages.

My friend Megan came over last night to work on another shower gift for one of her best friends. We made a cute chipboard album. I wish I had thought to take a picture of it, but it was after midnight by the time she left. :-) While she worked on that, I finally covered the "CREATE" letters I have had forever. The new BG papers from the Phoebe line are perfect for my studio. They are covered in paper, but I think I might want to add some more detail. They are sitting here next to me staring at me! :)

Chris is at the State Meet... I miss him lots! I just got the photos from the Marathon printed at Wal-Mart. I think I might try to put together a little mini book tonight so he knows how much I missed him! :) I "borrowed" some coasters from Outback when we went to dinner and I had the pictures printed at wallet size. We'll see!

Have a great week!

Feeling some Creative MoJo!

I have finally felt some creative flow and have been creating this weekend. There are many other chores that I could be doing... BUT I need this time to refuel. I have learned that if I don't take the time to create, it makes me cranky and I have a hard time getting other things done.

So, here are a few of my creations. The first is part of a class that I am taking at Big Picture Scrapbooking. It is taught by Kolette Hall. It is called Choosing Joy and I am loving every moment. It is not so much a scrapbooking class, but a LIFE class too.

Here is my latest entry into my "joy notebook" It includes a list of 100 things I am grateful for.

The right side comes open to reveal my list.

I have also been working on some challenges posted by other creative team members at http://www.susansscrapbookshack.com. The first was to create a LO with no photo in mind. I did it, but then had to go and add the photo. I couldn't stand the "naked" LO staring at me! LOL.

The final LO I did this morning. The challenge was to cut up a piece of patterned paper to create accents. The photo I found is from my freshman year in college. I had a great group of girls that I lived with in the Honor's dorm. We took floor photos each year. I haven't looked at this photo in years.



I really should go get something productive done. We'll see! LOL.

Essentials for Happiness

I need to get better about posting here! One of the other Creative Team Members at Susan's Scrapbook Shack has posted a blog challenge and plans to do so each Tues and Thurs. I am hoping to keep up. Thanks Janie!

Thursday's Challenge was to list 10 things that are essential for your happiness. Here is my take:

10 things essential for my HAPPINESS:

1. My husband
2. My furbabies
3. Creative Time
4. Books
5. Quiet Time
6. Chocolate
7. Clean Sheets! (it is a little obcession of mine!)
8. Clean House
9. Burt's Bees Chapstick (another addiction)
10. Friends and Family

Need to go get some more cleaning done for now... :)

I am BACK!!!!

It's been forever since I last posted. Life has been crazy of course. Can't really even tell you what I have been up to... don't even really know myself! LOL.

I do have some exciting news! I have been selected to be part of the Creative Team at Susan's Scrapbook Shack! I am really excited. I have been a part of this site since a "scrapprentice" contest back in the spring of 2005. I was a guest designer in July. I am so excited to be part of this exciting and friendly scrapbooking community! Be sure to come check it out: http://www.susansscrapbookshack.com

It has been forever since I updated photos of my studio. I am now happily moved in for the most part. I still have a mess in the spare room downstairs. I am also still trying to create my ideal space. I really do LOVE have the room. I love even more the fact that Chris created it all for me! I don't have any recent photos, but here is one as I was moving in:

The room is a little messy right now, but I will try to get some photos this weekend. It really is my little slice of heaven!

Just a quick post for tonight... I will post more soon, I promise! (Is anyone even reading this anymore?!)