December 4/Day 4

It was really tough going back to work today! The kids were still groggy from having the snow day on Friday. Had to make up all of the things I had planned to do on Friday... but on a Monday. That is tough for my kiddos who so desperately need routine! On top of that we had a staff meeting after school so I didn't leave until close to 5. I had to stop at the grocery store as well since we have NO food in the house. It was almost 7 by the time I got home.

So onto Day 4 of the Christmas Journal. I was happy to discover that the prompt was posted before school this morning. I printed it off and then had the day to think about it. That was nice. I could steal a few moments for myself throughout the day. This was a hard prompt for me. We were supposed to describe our perfect Christmas without any negative thoughts or feelings. This was tough for me since the past few years I have really not enjoyed Christmas, so every time I had a thought about a perfect Christmas a negative thought would counteract it.

In the end, I decided to do some frank journaling about how in order for me to have a perfect Christmas, I really need to have a child. This really goes against the point of this journal as I am trying to get away from the constant pangs of our infertility. But in the end, it is my hope that this journal will not only allow me to truly experience Christmas Joy, but also provide some healing.

The page is pretty simple. I even decided to make this one a single page even though all of the others (all 2 of them) have been two pages. Rebel, I know!

Ok, so here it is:

The stamps are Making Memories. The artistic challenge for today was to use a photo that shows your perfect Christmas. Shimelle even suggested getting one from a magazine. This photo is from a printer advertisement in Family Circle. She reminds me of what I imagine our daughter might look like. The journaling is hidden in the file folder. It is a little more intense, so I decided to tuck it away. The basics are that I really feel that I need to have a child in order to have the perfect Christmas. I also talked about the "magic" feeling that believing in Santa brings.

The acrylic is KI. The santa is from a christmas card that was sent to us a few years ago. I pulled those out for yesterdays challenge, so I had this one handy. I used foam dots to make the pocket stick out enough for the folder to sit in. The folder is from Rusty Pickle although I covered it in KI!

Off to read my email. It's already 8:45! Hoping to get to bed a little earlier tonight!

Cover and Day 3

This is my cover. It is a work in progress! The papers are all KI Memories. Flowers are Heidi Swapp, Doodlebug, and KI. The letter stickers are Doodlebug. The cover is sealed with Sparkle ModPodge, which adds glitter to the entire thing.

I decided to make my own book so I could adjust as needed. More ribbon will be added once the book is finished. The pages are 8 1/2×8 to allow for the binding.


This is day 3's entry. The prompt was about Christmas cards. This is the outer pages without the overlay of journaling. Here is the journaling overlay:

This is a transparency with my journaling written on it. I then painted on the back of it with a very light pink paint. Here is what the journaling says:

12~03~06

I love Christmas Cards. I love getting them in the mail and I love making them each year. They are one of my favorite parts of the holiday season.

I love getting Christmas cards in the mail. I love reading about the lives of our friends and family both near and far. I know that some people are annoyed by Christmas letters, but I really do enjoy reading them. I just recently went through all of the cards that I had saved from years past. It was fun to look at photos and see how families have grown and changed over the years. I try to send a card to everyone that we receive one from.

I love making Christmas cards. I started making our cards shortly after we were married. At the time I did much more stamping and the cards were usually embossed. One of Chris’ co-workers told me that she framed my card each year! Talk about pressure!  I used to try to outdo myself each year. Not anymore. Now I just create whatever feels good. Last year I did the cards with my digital scrapbooking tools and I enjoyed playing with those techniques. However, this year I am going back to a more traditional card. I have the design in my head, materials gathered, and photos printed. Now I just need to sit down and create them!

Over the years I have also written our own Christmas Letter. I have been able to share the joys of the past year as well as challenges we have faced. As I look back on letters from years past, I am able to see where my faith was at that time. In the beginning I was hopeful and determined that we would have a biological child of our own. In last year’s letter, I was not so hopeful. I mentioned that we may even be considering adoption. We haven’t followed through with that. Each year when I sit down to write the letter I hope that next year I will be able to include information about our child. I am making a promise to myself right now and right here. This will be the LAST letter I write without a child. We will resolve our infertility one way or another in the coming year.

Here are close-ups of the other two pages:

That is last year's card as well as some cancelled stamps from years past. Envelopes is my current address book method, so I had lots of these lying around. My next goal is to get started on this year's cards and address list!


This year's card will go in the envelope. Notice that I said will.... it isn't done yet. It is done in my mind, just need to get them created on paper!

More on the weekend later... I am in creative mode and don't want to stop!

Christmas Art Journal Day 2

I will come back and post more later, but wanted to get these images up.

This is the day 2 entry of my Art Journal. The prompt was to talk about the weather with Christmas. We were also challenged to try making paper snowflakes! Loved it! Since I am a teacher, we often make snowflakes for the Winter Dance each year. It was fun to make these minature ones to put on these pages.

All paper is pretty much KI memories. I did cover the bazzill with glitter paint and added snowflake brads that I have had forever. I have no idea where they even came from! The acrylic is from Heidi Grace.

Here is the two page spread:

">

Here is the left side up close:



And the right:



I just let myself go with these... a little more "junked up" than usual. The snowflakes are actually created on the back of another paper that I printed on. You couldn't read the text... so I embraced my mistake. That is something new for me! Maybe I am already growing with this process!

Here is the text since it is so hard to read:

12~02~06

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas! It is hard to believe that on the very first day of December, we end up with a blizzard that has basically paralyzed most of Chicago. It’s not unbelievable that we have snow… it is the timing! It was 60 earlier this week!

Christmas just isn’t Christmas without some snow. The blizzard outside is truly making me feel the Christmas spirit. I love the snow and can’t imagine living somewhere that doesn’t get it. I am blessed to have a car with 4-wheel drive, so I am able to get around when I need to. I have a husband who is able and willing to shovel us out if need be. But there just is nothing better than the two words I heard yesterday morning, “Snow Day!”

I remember one Christmas when I was in grade school. We had been home for a few days on break and we were making my mom crazy. I am sure my sister and I had argued most of the time! Christmas Eve arrived with a snow storm. We wanted to go out and play and I think mom wanted us out of the house just as much! Mom surprised us by allowing us to open a present before we went out. Inside the boxes were brand new snow suits. I still remember putting on my new snow pants and going out in the snow for HOURS that day. I honestly don’t remember any of the toys I got that year, but I do remember the details of that snowsuit!

As an adult, I still love new winter clothes. Each year, I treat myself to a new pair of mittens and matching scarf. Usually I try to get the warmest ones I can that still match my coat. Last year I bought a bright green coat which has made finding matching mittens a challenge! I have not bought a new pair yet this year, so that will be today’s mission. After all, the forecast for tomorrow is a high temperature of 20! Bring on the Christmas weather!


We've had a busy weekend, and I really want to post about that... will come back and do that later today!

Christmas Art Journal

In addition to blogging every day this month, I have taken on something a little more concrete. I have decided to journal about the Christmas season and create an art journal to showcase my feelings. I have wanted to try an art journal for some time, and this is the perfect time! I came across Shimelle's site, and decided that this was meant to be.

I may post some or all of my entries here. Other artists are doing this with me, and you can see their work here. Or you can even join us.

I am still working on the covers. I decided to make my own album and am pretty happy with the way it is turning out. I just need to put a few more details on. I have a feeling that the cover will be a work in progress throughout the month!

Now, here is my day one entry with my own personal manifesto and Day 1 page:



Here is what the text says:
12~01~06

This is the year. I am going to embrace the Christmas season. I am going to savor every moment and experience the joy that is all around me this time of year.

In the past, I have allowed the fact that we remain childless to take control of my holiday thoughts. I have lost the “magic” feeling that only Christmas can bring. It’s still there. I am going to find it, wrap myself with it, and spread it to everyone around me. I know I will have moments of sadness and reflection, and that is ok. However, I am not going to let it consume me. I am going to ENJOY the holiday season and the blessings that I have in my life, especially my amazing husband.

I will journal every day this December. By the time Christmas comes, I will have 24 pages that reflect the joy of the season. I will take the time each evening to write before Chris gets home from work. I know there will be days that I won’t want to write, but I will forge through it. These are the days that I need to be creative the most!

I will also allow myself to create freely. I will open myself to new ideas and try new techniques. I will not criticize my pages. I will not overanalyze each element. I want my inner artist to come out and play in the pages of this journal. It’s okay if the pages don’t match. I know that every page won’t be perfect. That is OK.

This is my Christmas gift to myself. This is the Christmas that I will stop being consumed by our infertility and embrace the spirit of the season. I will take the time to experience the moments with my husband and I will take the time to create this journal to contain those memories for years to come.

I am really excited about this. I am about to start working on Day 2's page!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

So this is what my window box looks like as I type. Chris thinks we have at least 12 inches of snow. Nothing like starting December with a BANG!

Romeo LOVES the snow. He is trying to get me to let him out in it again right now... As Chris was shoveling, he was trying to catch all of the snow in his mouth... What a goof!

December 1st

I am going to try to post every day in December. It is a busy time of year, but I love being able to look back and old posts and remember moments in the past. I am sure there are things that have been forgotten because I have not written them down. (I guess that is what happens when you get old!)

So today is December 1st. I have several reasons to celebrate today:

1. SNOW DAY!!!!
I really do love snow. It is one of the things that I love most about living here in the midwest. Snow days are one of the things that I LOVE about being a teacher. The storm was predicted to come in over night, but I never really thought we would get a snow day. Usually the predicted storms never amount to much. Not this time! The first call came at 5:30 from Becky who had just gotten her call from the snow tree. As I heard the phone ring, I jumped up and yelled "YES!" Of course that woke the dogs and Chris up! The second call came a few moments later when I got my offical call from the secretary. I was snuggled back into bed after letting the dogs out when the third call came. It was a recoring of the superintendent telling me there was no school. So... no doubts about school being closed! It really is rough out there, so I am glad I didn't have to go in. Chris is still sleeping too. All of the schools and many of the large companies are closed around us. I am sure he will have to go in at some point. Thank goodness we have one SUV with 4 wheel drive!

A snow day also means that I can be sitting here doing this. It is a FREE day to do whatever I want! To make it even better, it is a FRIDAY so that means I don't even have school stuff that I HAVE to do today! I am hoping to start a Christmas Art Journal today and maybe get a good chunk of the Christmas cards done. We'll see!

2. Today, my niece Katrina turns 8
I can hardly believe that she is 8! I just talked to my mom and Kat is hanging out with Grandma for the day. Her school was also closed and my sister and brother in law both had to go to work. I think she is a little sad not to be with her friends at school today, but being with grandma is the next best thing!

It is no secret that my sister and I are not close. However, this little girl has brought us together time and time again. I adore Katrina, and would keep her for my very own if I could! :-) I love spending time with her. I really haven't done that much lately, so I am hoping to have a little girl time with her tomorrow.

3. Patches is 11 years old today
I am both happy and sad to see my furry baby turn 11. She has enriched my life beyond measure over the past 11 years. She has comforted me and been my constant companion through all of the trials and tribulations of my life. She is always happy to see me when I get home, and would do just about anything for a few moments on my lap. I can't imagine my home without her.

So, the sad part... I know that my time with her is coming to a close. Her health is good for the most part. She has a bum hip every once in a while and is a little cranky now and then. Bringing Romeo home was probably one of the best things I ever did for her. She has had more spunk in the past two years that I thought possible. She has a friend and little brother to boss around when I am not here. But I have to be realistic... 11 is old for a Dalmatian. I just pray that I will be able to make the best decision for her when the time comes.

4. My Christmas decorations are almost all up!
I really do love the Christmas season. The tree went up last weekend and the rest of the decorations are up as well. I need to do the banister today and then we will pretty much be set. I've been listening to Christmas music and really trying to feel the JOY of the season. Another reason for the post a day and art journal.. I want to embrace every moment!

5. I love my Husband more than anything!
We've had a tough few weeks, but I know that we are strong and our marriage will stand the test of time. He takes care of me and is able to deal with my craziness and sadness, even when he doesn't understand it.

Off to enjoy the snow... Shoveling isn't a joy, but playing in the snow with the dogs and Chris while doing it sure is! I will post some photos later once we get out from under the blizzard!

Thanksgiving Eve

It's the eve of Thanksgiving and the memories of Thanskgivings past are rushing back to me. I am thankful for the life that I have, and that is forefront in my mind. However, there is still much missing in my life. That becomes vividly clear on Thanksgiving.

My thoughts are always pulled to our last Thanksgiving with my grandfather. I had just had another failed fertility cycle and was left with HUGE cysts on my ovaries. I was on birth control pills to shrink the cysts. I was very angry. I was so sad that day and remember being very weepy as I thought about another year without a child. However, I was blessed with my family and I did have some time to sit and talk with my grandfather that day. He was an amazing man, and truly a patriarch of our family. I loved spending time with him and talking about our very different opinions.

Two days later, we had my niece's birthday party. We were all together once again and had some really great time together. It was unusual to have that much time together as I have gotten older and had a life of my own. I was able to cherish the time with my niece and my grandfather, even though I was aching for a child of my own.

The next week changed my life forever. I lost my beloved grandfather suddenly that Monday. For some reason, I came home from work early that day, and I was at the house when the paramedics arrived. I saw my respected and loved grandfather on the living room floor as the paramedics tried to revive him. I was the only one there with grandma as the paramedics took grandpa away. I knew in my heart that he was gone, but I just didn't want to beleive it. I had just spent two wonderful days with him and could not imagine him not being in my life.

I am not sure how I got through that week. I was involved with every aspect of the arrangements for his funeral. I had to be. I needed to be. I spoke at the funeral on behalf of the grandchildren.

I was so angry at God. Why did he suddenly take such a good man from us? Why didn't he give us a chance to say goodbye? I was starting to come to terms with God as the week went on. However, another blow to my faith came at the end of that week.

I reluctantly went in to the fertility clinic on Friday for what I thought was a routine baseline. Later that day, I was told that I was pregnant, but it didn't look "viable." What? Why would God take my beloved grandfather and then give me a pregnancy that wasn't viable? How could this be? Surely my grandfather was looking down on me and would not let this happen.

The next three weeks were gruelling as I held on to the pregnancy with an iron grip. My doctor and husband both wanted me to terminate the pregnancy as there was no sign of an actual pregnancy, just my body "tricking" itself. In the end, I had to agree and it was determined that it was in fact an ectopic pregnancy that would have killed me if I had not taken the treatment.

It has been a few years since then, and I am still aware of that grief and pain each Thanksgiving. My faith in God has never been the same since that week, and I don't know if my faith will ever be restored. I wish that I could have joy and peace in my heart on Thanksgiving, but sadly I feel the grief and pain. Each year, I hope that this will be the LAST Thanksgiving that we are childless, and each year I am facing Thanksgiving without a child. I know that I am blessed in so many ways, and I am forever grateful for my husband, my home, my friends, my family, and my career. I just wish that I could have the one thing my heart desires... a child.