Christmas Art Journal

In addition to blogging every day this month, I have taken on something a little more concrete. I have decided to journal about the Christmas season and create an art journal to showcase my feelings. I have wanted to try an art journal for some time, and this is the perfect time! I came across Shimelle's site, and decided that this was meant to be.

I may post some or all of my entries here. Other artists are doing this with me, and you can see their work here. Or you can even join us.

I am still working on the covers. I decided to make my own album and am pretty happy with the way it is turning out. I just need to put a few more details on. I have a feeling that the cover will be a work in progress throughout the month!

Now, here is my day one entry with my own personal manifesto and Day 1 page:



Here is what the text says:
12~01~06

This is the year. I am going to embrace the Christmas season. I am going to savor every moment and experience the joy that is all around me this time of year.

In the past, I have allowed the fact that we remain childless to take control of my holiday thoughts. I have lost the “magic” feeling that only Christmas can bring. It’s still there. I am going to find it, wrap myself with it, and spread it to everyone around me. I know I will have moments of sadness and reflection, and that is ok. However, I am not going to let it consume me. I am going to ENJOY the holiday season and the blessings that I have in my life, especially my amazing husband.

I will journal every day this December. By the time Christmas comes, I will have 24 pages that reflect the joy of the season. I will take the time each evening to write before Chris gets home from work. I know there will be days that I won’t want to write, but I will forge through it. These are the days that I need to be creative the most!

I will also allow myself to create freely. I will open myself to new ideas and try new techniques. I will not criticize my pages. I will not overanalyze each element. I want my inner artist to come out and play in the pages of this journal. It’s okay if the pages don’t match. I know that every page won’t be perfect. That is OK.

This is my Christmas gift to myself. This is the Christmas that I will stop being consumed by our infertility and embrace the spirit of the season. I will take the time to experience the moments with my husband and I will take the time to create this journal to contain those memories for years to come.

I am really excited about this. I am about to start working on Day 2's page!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

So this is what my window box looks like as I type. Chris thinks we have at least 12 inches of snow. Nothing like starting December with a BANG!

Romeo LOVES the snow. He is trying to get me to let him out in it again right now... As Chris was shoveling, he was trying to catch all of the snow in his mouth... What a goof!

December 1st

I am going to try to post every day in December. It is a busy time of year, but I love being able to look back and old posts and remember moments in the past. I am sure there are things that have been forgotten because I have not written them down. (I guess that is what happens when you get old!)

So today is December 1st. I have several reasons to celebrate today:

1. SNOW DAY!!!!
I really do love snow. It is one of the things that I love most about living here in the midwest. Snow days are one of the things that I LOVE about being a teacher. The storm was predicted to come in over night, but I never really thought we would get a snow day. Usually the predicted storms never amount to much. Not this time! The first call came at 5:30 from Becky who had just gotten her call from the snow tree. As I heard the phone ring, I jumped up and yelled "YES!" Of course that woke the dogs and Chris up! The second call came a few moments later when I got my offical call from the secretary. I was snuggled back into bed after letting the dogs out when the third call came. It was a recoring of the superintendent telling me there was no school. So... no doubts about school being closed! It really is rough out there, so I am glad I didn't have to go in. Chris is still sleeping too. All of the schools and many of the large companies are closed around us. I am sure he will have to go in at some point. Thank goodness we have one SUV with 4 wheel drive!

A snow day also means that I can be sitting here doing this. It is a FREE day to do whatever I want! To make it even better, it is a FRIDAY so that means I don't even have school stuff that I HAVE to do today! I am hoping to start a Christmas Art Journal today and maybe get a good chunk of the Christmas cards done. We'll see!

2. Today, my niece Katrina turns 8
I can hardly believe that she is 8! I just talked to my mom and Kat is hanging out with Grandma for the day. Her school was also closed and my sister and brother in law both had to go to work. I think she is a little sad not to be with her friends at school today, but being with grandma is the next best thing!

It is no secret that my sister and I are not close. However, this little girl has brought us together time and time again. I adore Katrina, and would keep her for my very own if I could! :-) I love spending time with her. I really haven't done that much lately, so I am hoping to have a little girl time with her tomorrow.

3. Patches is 11 years old today
I am both happy and sad to see my furry baby turn 11. She has enriched my life beyond measure over the past 11 years. She has comforted me and been my constant companion through all of the trials and tribulations of my life. She is always happy to see me when I get home, and would do just about anything for a few moments on my lap. I can't imagine my home without her.

So, the sad part... I know that my time with her is coming to a close. Her health is good for the most part. She has a bum hip every once in a while and is a little cranky now and then. Bringing Romeo home was probably one of the best things I ever did for her. She has had more spunk in the past two years that I thought possible. She has a friend and little brother to boss around when I am not here. But I have to be realistic... 11 is old for a Dalmatian. I just pray that I will be able to make the best decision for her when the time comes.

4. My Christmas decorations are almost all up!
I really do love the Christmas season. The tree went up last weekend and the rest of the decorations are up as well. I need to do the banister today and then we will pretty much be set. I've been listening to Christmas music and really trying to feel the JOY of the season. Another reason for the post a day and art journal.. I want to embrace every moment!

5. I love my Husband more than anything!
We've had a tough few weeks, but I know that we are strong and our marriage will stand the test of time. He takes care of me and is able to deal with my craziness and sadness, even when he doesn't understand it.

Off to enjoy the snow... Shoveling isn't a joy, but playing in the snow with the dogs and Chris while doing it sure is! I will post some photos later once we get out from under the blizzard!

Thanksgiving Eve

It's the eve of Thanksgiving and the memories of Thanskgivings past are rushing back to me. I am thankful for the life that I have, and that is forefront in my mind. However, there is still much missing in my life. That becomes vividly clear on Thanksgiving.

My thoughts are always pulled to our last Thanksgiving with my grandfather. I had just had another failed fertility cycle and was left with HUGE cysts on my ovaries. I was on birth control pills to shrink the cysts. I was very angry. I was so sad that day and remember being very weepy as I thought about another year without a child. However, I was blessed with my family and I did have some time to sit and talk with my grandfather that day. He was an amazing man, and truly a patriarch of our family. I loved spending time with him and talking about our very different opinions.

Two days later, we had my niece's birthday party. We were all together once again and had some really great time together. It was unusual to have that much time together as I have gotten older and had a life of my own. I was able to cherish the time with my niece and my grandfather, even though I was aching for a child of my own.

The next week changed my life forever. I lost my beloved grandfather suddenly that Monday. For some reason, I came home from work early that day, and I was at the house when the paramedics arrived. I saw my respected and loved grandfather on the living room floor as the paramedics tried to revive him. I was the only one there with grandma as the paramedics took grandpa away. I knew in my heart that he was gone, but I just didn't want to beleive it. I had just spent two wonderful days with him and could not imagine him not being in my life.

I am not sure how I got through that week. I was involved with every aspect of the arrangements for his funeral. I had to be. I needed to be. I spoke at the funeral on behalf of the grandchildren.

I was so angry at God. Why did he suddenly take such a good man from us? Why didn't he give us a chance to say goodbye? I was starting to come to terms with God as the week went on. However, another blow to my faith came at the end of that week.

I reluctantly went in to the fertility clinic on Friday for what I thought was a routine baseline. Later that day, I was told that I was pregnant, but it didn't look "viable." What? Why would God take my beloved grandfather and then give me a pregnancy that wasn't viable? How could this be? Surely my grandfather was looking down on me and would not let this happen.

The next three weeks were gruelling as I held on to the pregnancy with an iron grip. My doctor and husband both wanted me to terminate the pregnancy as there was no sign of an actual pregnancy, just my body "tricking" itself. In the end, I had to agree and it was determined that it was in fact an ectopic pregnancy that would have killed me if I had not taken the treatment.

It has been a few years since then, and I am still aware of that grief and pain each Thanksgiving. My faith in God has never been the same since that week, and I don't know if my faith will ever be restored. I wish that I could have joy and peace in my heart on Thanksgiving, but sadly I feel the grief and pain. Each year, I hope that this will be the LAST Thanksgiving that we are childless, and each year I am facing Thanksgiving without a child. I know that I am blessed in so many ways, and I am forever grateful for my husband, my home, my friends, my family, and my career. I just wish that I could have the one thing my heart desires... a child.

Making Progress

Here is where we are at...

I wouldn't let Chris do much earlier this week... I wanted to make sure he didn't push it after running 26.2 miles on Sunday! :-) He worked on it most of the day on Wednesday and Thursday morning. He came home last night and did some more. The desk is in place... it isn't secured down just yet, but that is the plan for tonight. I was hoping to be all moved in before the end of the week.. but I don't want to rush it. I really want to have things organized BEFORE they go up into the pretty new space.

With that in mind, I really should return to cleaning my current scrapbook room. It's amazing what you find when you clean!

Colorgenics...

I love taking these personality tests... sometimes they are right on, and other times they are way off... this one seems to be right on...

Try it for yourself: http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/

You are constantly trying to make a favourable impression and endeavouring to be considered as that someone 'special'. You are pretty good at using various tactics and strategies that give the impression that you are in control. Maybe you are - but you are constantly watching to see whether or not your endeavours are truly appreciated. Be careful... just as 'you' may be endeavouring to influence others, 'they' may indeed be influencing you.

Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception. You are an extremely emotional person - so much so that 'the wrong word' can lead you to tears. You feel other people's pain. You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow. You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.

Everything seems to have gone wrong and the situation at this time is such that you are not quite sure which way to turn. So it would appear that you are 'holding back', re-consolidating your position and relinquishing all fun and games for the time being.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality.

26.2

Chris is one amazing man... And he just keeps on setting goals and going for it. Running the Chicago Marathon was one of his "to-do's" in life. I am proud to say he achieved that goal on Sunday! He has been training since April, all while working full time and coaching. He was lucky enough to have a wonderful training partner who also happened to be his coworker. They were able to schedule runs during the day so he could fit it all in.

I was able to play "Amazing Race" and run around the city with my best friend, one of Chris' swimmers and her mom, and Amy's family. We were able to catch them three times during the race. What an amazing adreniline rush on the sidelines... I can only imagine what he must have felt as he ran! They finished the race just as they planned... in just over 4 hours!

My only regret is that I didn't take more photos. I was so caught up in the moments, that I totally forgot I had the darn camera around my neck. :uckily there are some amzaing photos taken by the folks at marathonfoto.com. I will be making a LARGE order with them as soon as they are finished identifying the photos.

Chris is trying to convince me that I should run in the future... we'll see. I am not much of a runner... in fact I am NOT a runner at all!