Last Minute Gifts

So I totally forgot that we had a party with some dear friends tonight. I have made something for their three girls each year... altered comp books, altered paint cans, etc... I didn't remember that the party was tonight until 2:00! Yikes! So I decided to make paper bag albums for them this year. I like to use coordinated papers when I have to put something together quickly. The first one uses chatterbox, the second KI and the third Christina Cole. Love all of these papers. Here they are:

Reflections

Reflections

It’s 8 am on Christmas eve EVE.   There are so many emotions tied with the holiday once again, that I thought I would take some time to get some of them out.  So forgive me if you stumbled on my blog looking for scrapbook layouts!  :-)

Each year I tell myself that this will be the last Christmas that it is just Chris and I.  I tell myself that by this time next year, we will have a little one to share the holiday with.  That’s what gets me through the holiday.  I’ve been telling myself that for *6* years.  I really don’t think that I believe it this year.  I have my moments when I am really positive, but those seem to be far and few between.

You see, Christmas is so centered around Children- as it should be.  Every commercial, every mall, every store, every moment is geared to sharing the magic of Christmas with children.  Chris & I are blessed to have nieces and nephews to share the holiday with- but it just isn’t the same.  They aren’t OUR children.  We have to borrow them for a moment in time.  Our only children have too much fur…people might look at me a little funny if I took Romeo to go see Santa!

Chris keeps reminding me that we are very blessed to have each other.  I couldn’t agree more.  One “side effect” of our infertility is that fact that our marriage has gotten stronger.  There were moments that I didn’t think we were going to make it.  We aren’t perfect.  Our marriage isn’t perfect.  But we have each other and have shared so much of our lives with one another.  While I am so very grateful to have him and our marriage, I continue to feel that part of “us” is missing.  Yes, we are a family the two of us.  Yes, I treat our furry ones as children.  I feel as though Chris and I have so much to give a child.  I think our marriage would grow even stronger if we had the common mission to raise a child.

I am also frustrated because money is tight.  I know that this is not what the holidays are about.  Somehow having gifts to share with others and ourselves seems to take some of the “sting” out of the holidays.  Is it really the right way to do things?  No.  But I can tell myself that if we had kids we wouldn’t be able to have as many nice gifts for each other since we would be spoiling our child.  I’ve always been really sensitive about money.  I grew up in a home where money was usually tight.  I swore to myself that I wasn’t going to live that way.  However, both Chris and I have service careers without the salaries.  So, we live the life we have.  I don’t mean to sound materialistic… really.  I know how lucky I am to have a house over my head and food to eat.  There are more than enough presents under the tree.  I just hate having to worry about money.  I think that I am also frustrated because so much of our income has gone into fertility treatments.  And here we are… another Christmas just the two of us.

Christmas should also be a spiritual time of year.  I hate to admit it, but my faith is very challenged right now.  I look around at all of the children in the world without loving parents and wonder WHY?  I wonder why God has chosen to keep Chris and I from becoming parents.  I have pretty much lost my faith.  I’ve prayed and prayed for a child to come into our lives.  My prayers have gone unanswered.  In some cases, we have ended up with more heartache through miscarriages.  It’s hard for me to embrace the reason for the holiday when I feel lost.

I am working hard today to get into the holiday spirit.  The shopping is done.  The wrapping is almost done.  I need to make a few things, add some decorations, and clean house.  We are having my family over for dinner tomorrow, so I need to make sure I have everything I need.

Wishing you all peace this Holiday…

Holiday Hustle!

Well, it's been a crazy week! I've been in the Holiday Hustle FULL time for the past few days. It's keeping me busy and not letting me dwell on the fact that we are spending another holiday without our little miracle.

I thought I would share some of the recent projects I've been working on. I've been a busy little scrapbooker!

This is my final Christmas Card. The papers and embellishments are all from http://www.shabbyprincess.com I LOVE her creations! She is very talented!


I also created a card for one of my close friends. She even asked that I share it here on my blog! (Thanks Barb!) She had this photo of her kids that was created in one of those photo booths. She just loved it, so she asked that I use it for her card. I am pretty happy with the way it turned out.

So those are my digital projects. I really enjoyed working with them, but I don't think I will ever switch to 100% digital. I just like feeling paper and ribbon!

Things are tight here, so I wanted to make most of my gifts for my friends at work. It was a hectic few nights, but I am happy with the results. Here are a few of my favorites:

This is a frame that I made for my teaching assistant.

This is a plaque I made for my Secret Santa at work. I have to say that this one of my favorites. I don't usually use much blue, but I really like how this turned out!

This is a 5 inch canvas that I made for our special ed coordinator. Can you tell that I love the Blitzen papers?

Here is one final one (there are more that I will share later!) I think this may be my favorite. This was for our assistant principal's secretary.

I am off to finish shopping today. I have a good start... just have all of those hard to shop for people left!

I'm In! I'm going to CKU-A!!!

I am so very excited. I didn't realize how much I really wanted to go to the CKU-Albums until I actually registered! It is really tight right now for us financially... but this is something I have really wanted to do and Chris made it ok for me to do it!

For those of you who don't have a clue what I am talking about... CKU stands for Creating Keepsakes University. It is a large "convention" for scrapbooking. It is the premeir event and includes classes taught by the top scrapbook professionals in the country. It is pricey... but from what I have heard you get your money's worth! It happens to be in Chicago this spring. (Never been here before!) AND is over my spring break, so I won't have to miss any work! It was just too perfect NOT to go! :-)

I am taking the album track from Junkitz... LOVE LOVE LOVE their product and designers. I took a class from Teresa last summer and can't wait to take another one! I am also taking a class from Tim Holtz who is the premier Stamp Artist!

It's nice to be excited about something again. Can we really afford this? No not really. But it's nice to spend money on something other than fertility treatments for once....

Christmas Cards

So I had this great idea for our Christmas cards this year. I saw a great card in a magazine that had a little girl holding large letters spelling out "JOY." Why couldn't I do the same thing, but with the dogs and cat? I had these great photos in my head.

I went out to the store and bought the letters... Except they were out of "j" because they had all gone on clearance. They did have "u" so I bought those and had Chris cut it to make the J. Problem solved... I thought I would just put the "o" over the cat's head. Who was I kidding? Then I gave Romeo the J. All he wanted to do was chew on it UPSIDE down... And then when I sat on the floor to take the photo, he started licking the lens. At least Chris and I were laughing at all of this. I didn't even try with Patches.

Here are some of the rejects:

So onto Plan B. I have played with Digital Scrapbooking a few times. I thought this might be a perfect time to use some of the free kits I have been collecting. I am fortunate to have Adobe PhotoShop Elements on the computer. So here is the first prototype of the card:

I sent it to the online photo center at Wal-Mart. I am anxious to see how it turns out with the processing. I printed a few from my PictureMate here at home to see how they would look. I am trying to decide if I will make them postcards or if I will adhere them to a card front. Still have to decide that.

Then there is always the debate... write a letter or not? Last year I was so out of it that I didn't even send cards. I really don't have lots to say in the letter. Although we have made some life changes in the past two years that some of our distant relatives might want to know. We'll see if the mood strikes me.

We meet with the RE tomorrow. I am not anxious like I usually am. I am really at peace with everything. I am anxious to hear what he has to say. We'll see.

Nothing is EVER easy!

So it seems that nothing is ever easy for me.   One of the incisions has been bothering me a little bit.  It was a little oozy and red the past few days.  I asked Chris what he thought and he felt it was fine.  No biggie.  

Today was my first day back at work.  Was a pretty easy day since the 6th grade was on a field trip to the Field Museum in Chicago.  My student teacher is wonderful and pretty much took care of the rest of the class.  I had the school nurse look at my incision this morning and she thought it looked a little red so I put some Neosporin and a band-aid on it.  By late afternoon, it was really bothering me.  Had her look at it again, and she really felt it was infected!  She insisted that I call the RE’s office. (Whom I don’t like very much right now!)  They wanted me to come in and have the nurse practitioner look at it.  That meant an hour drive each way.  Fun Fun!

I headed out and they looked at it right away.  She wasn’t too concerned and even tried to get some ooze out to culture.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  She thinks it may be my body reacting to the stitches that are not dissolving like they are supposed to.  Makes sense- considering the fact that I react to just about anything!  I am supposed to use a warm compress on it to soothe it.  If it gets worse, I am to return.  I decided to treat myself to a chocolate shake from Oberweis on my way home!  (

So now I am sitting with a baggie filled with a wet warm washcloth.  Oh the stories I will be able to tell some day!

Detour

I had the surgery this past Monday.  Unfortunately, they did NOT find any endometriosis, and everything looked great.  He did find two small scars on the inside of my uterus that he thinks are from my miscarriages.  He removed them.  (Still not sure how you remove a scar without leaving one?!)  While I was in the recovery room, he spoke with Chris and told him that we really have two options at this point- some experimental drugs to treat the lack of protein, or a surrogate.
 
Chris and I have spent a long time talking and we are both close to deciding this is the end for us.  We have been defined for the past six years by our infertility and it has put an incredible strain on our marriage.  We are meeting with the RE on Dec 6th and we will make some final decisions after that.  I think it’s time for us to fall in love with each other all over again and stop focusing so much on treatments.  I don’t even know how to live without the constant tests, dr’s appointments, blood work, etc.  I suppose I will learn.  

I don’t think I will ever stop feeling pangs of jealousy when I see a pregnant woman or a family out to dinner.  Infertility has changed who I am and has shaped some of my personality.  I think I am ready to stop letting it DEFINE who I am, although it will always have some influence.  I am blessed to have an amazing husband who has shared more than half of my life with me.  We have a house we have worked hard to make a home.  We have two crazy dogs and an even crazier cat.  We have the love of our family and nieces and nephews to spoil.  We are both blessed to have wonderful friends who support us in every way and also make us laugh.  We both have fulfilling careers that allow us to share our passion for teaching and children.  Our life is far from empty.  But it has felt so very empty for the past six years.  

We have watched friends and family alike bring their own miracles into this world.  We’ve watched nieces, nephews and godchildren grow into amazing little people.  We have been blessed to share our lives with these amazing little beings.  Our careers have brought us into the lives of amazing families and children.  There has been more than one student that I have wanted to just bring home with me.  So in the end, it comes down to the fact that we want to be parents- in whatever form that takes.  We are coming to terms with the fact that we will probably never know what our DNA will look like when brought together.  There is more than biology in parenting.  

We are unable to afford traditional adoption at this point.  We are considering looking into becoming foster parents and bringing children into our life that way.  We have the space; we just have to get it ready.  I think we will throw ourselves into creating my scrapbook studio upstairs and then turning the room downstairs into a bedroom for a child.  I lay awake last night imagining color schemes and furniture to make it just right.  I think this is the path we are meant to take.