Another failure

So the news came on Monday afternoon... another negative.  I just don't know WHY this keeps happening to us.  We were so sure that IVF was going to be our miracle cure.  Yet, here we are once again wondering what we have done to deserve the heartache of infertility.

My heart is breaking, but yet I am so numb from this.  We have a follow up with the RE on Monday to see what went wrong.  I just want some answers, yet I know that we won't get any.  If we just knew WHY this didn't work, we might be able to make some sense of it all. 

We have decided to wait to do IVF #2 until we return from our trip in April.  In the meantime, I have to pick up all the pieces of my life.  We really put everything on hold for the past several weeks in order to give our all to making this work.  Now we have to deal with the grief as well as get everything back in order.

I am really struggling with my faith right now, as is Chris.  It's just so hard to believe...

Bleeding

I woke up this morning with some significant bleeding.  I am sad, but know that there is still some hope.  Chris is staying very positive, and the least I can do for him is to be positive for him.

I don't know how we will handle a BFN... but I am trying hard not to dwell on that.  We will know for sure on Monday when I go in for my beta.  It's going to be a long weekend.

Fear

Fear has set in.  I am so afraid that this IVF has not worked.  The first few days after the transfer I was able to keep positive.  Now I have waves of negativity and fear that this has in fact not worked.  I am trying so hard to remember that I am in fact pg in all reality, until the beta that is.  Three beautiful embryos were placed into my uterus.  All I can do is rub my tummy and hope and pray that at least one of them is still safe and sound within my womb. 

I don't think I have EVER wanted anything more than I want this now.  My emotions are so out of whack, mostly due to the progesterone.  IVF has always been our "light at the end of the tunnel" and I can't imagine the desperation I will feel if this does not work.  I have the consolation of knowing that we do have three more attempts covered by our insurance. 

I can't get the thoughts of this out of my mind.  All of my quiet moments are consumed with thoughts of this IVF and whether or not we are pregnant.  I have no idea how I am going to make it for another FULL week before we know for sure.  Usually I am fine with my quiet alone time at night while Chris is at work.  Now I am crawling out of my skin with thoughts and fears.  Every twinge in my body makes me wonder...is that our miracle slipping away?

I wish I could simply have FAITH.  I want to have faith, I really do. 

Three little miracles...

In the midst of a blizzard on Tuesday, we transfered three embryos.  Two were "near perfect" blastocysts, and the third was almost there, but still considered a morula.  We debated about the third one, but in the end decided to take the risk.  The remaining embryos were slow to divide, so we ended up with none to freeze.  That was actually a releif for us in some ways.  We weren't even sure we wanted to go through the process of freezing.

And now we wait.  I haven't scheduled our beta yet.  From what I can figure, it will probably be Monday February 9th.  Now to keep busy unitl then...

The report is in...

The report is in... of the 12 eggs they retrieved, 8 were mature and 7 of them fertilized.  I am hoping that 7 is our lucky number!  :-)

They are planning on a day 5 transfer.  I will get a call on Sunday to see how they are doing. I really hope that all of them are still viable and we have some extras to freeze.

I am trying hard to stay positive.  I decided to take an extra day off of work as I was still feeling pretty crampy and sore this morning.  I am trying to do whatever I can for this to work... the first time!

Retrieval Yesterday

We had our first, and hopefully LAST retrieval yesterday.  The process has been difficult and I almost backed out right before the procedure yesterday. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I was frustrated with the fact that the surgery was done on the labor and delivery ward... I could hear babies and there were pictures and instructions for "your new baby" everywhere. Chris kept telling me that it must be a sign.  He has been amazing through most of this.  I don't how much more two people can take!

We got 12 eggs.  The staff at the hospital was great and really put my fears to rest.  I am pretty sore still today.  I had planned to return to work today, but am just not feeling up to it.  We will find out today just how many fertilized.  Since they do ICSI on all of the eggs, I hope that we will get almost all of them to fertilize.  We will also find out if we will have a day 3 or day 5 transfer today as well.

I thought the weeks leading up to this were hard... the next 2 1/2 are going to be terrible!  I will have to keep myself nice and busy.  :-)

Starting down the IVF path...

We've started down the IVF road. It has all happened so fast. I called the new RE on January 2nd. They were able to get us in for a consult on January 8th. My period showed on January 9th. Baseline on January 11th... Here we go!

It is scary. IVF was always the last resort...something we knew was always an option. Yet, here we are at that point. It think it has been good that things have moved so fast. I haven't had the time to think about everything and obsess about every little detail.

We have a great new RE, and have been very pleased with the new office. The insurance has been manangeable, but has taken some time to deal with. As longs as we follow their rules, they eventually tell us what we want to hear.
So I started stims last night. We are on 3 amps of Gonal-F, more than I have ever been on. I am a little concerned about getting hyperstimulated, but I am putting my faith in the RE. My meds finally made it here today, although I have the "stash" from previous cycles.

We go back on Friday to see how things are going. I know that I need to increase my water intake and add some gatorade as well. I can't believe all of the meds it is going to take to get pg... but it will all be worth it in the end.
at least that is what I keep telling myself...