Fear

Fear has set in.  I am so afraid that this IVF has not worked.  The first few days after the transfer I was able to keep positive.  Now I have waves of negativity and fear that this has in fact not worked.  I am trying so hard to remember that I am in fact pg in all reality, until the beta that is.  Three beautiful embryos were placed into my uterus.  All I can do is rub my tummy and hope and pray that at least one of them is still safe and sound within my womb. 

I don't think I have EVER wanted anything more than I want this now.  My emotions are so out of whack, mostly due to the progesterone.  IVF has always been our "light at the end of the tunnel" and I can't imagine the desperation I will feel if this does not work.  I have the consolation of knowing that we do have three more attempts covered by our insurance. 

I can't get the thoughts of this out of my mind.  All of my quiet moments are consumed with thoughts of this IVF and whether or not we are pregnant.  I have no idea how I am going to make it for another FULL week before we know for sure.  Usually I am fine with my quiet alone time at night while Chris is at work.  Now I am crawling out of my skin with thoughts and fears.  Every twinge in my body makes me wonder...is that our miracle slipping away?

I wish I could simply have FAITH.  I want to have faith, I really do. 

Three little miracles...

In the midst of a blizzard on Tuesday, we transfered three embryos.  Two were "near perfect" blastocysts, and the third was almost there, but still considered a morula.  We debated about the third one, but in the end decided to take the risk.  The remaining embryos were slow to divide, so we ended up with none to freeze.  That was actually a releif for us in some ways.  We weren't even sure we wanted to go through the process of freezing.

And now we wait.  I haven't scheduled our beta yet.  From what I can figure, it will probably be Monday February 9th.  Now to keep busy unitl then...

The report is in...

The report is in... of the 12 eggs they retrieved, 8 were mature and 7 of them fertilized.  I am hoping that 7 is our lucky number!  :-)

They are planning on a day 5 transfer.  I will get a call on Sunday to see how they are doing. I really hope that all of them are still viable and we have some extras to freeze.

I am trying hard to stay positive.  I decided to take an extra day off of work as I was still feeling pretty crampy and sore this morning.  I am trying to do whatever I can for this to work... the first time!

Retrieval Yesterday

We had our first, and hopefully LAST retrieval yesterday.  The process has been difficult and I almost backed out right before the procedure yesterday. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I was frustrated with the fact that the surgery was done on the labor and delivery ward... I could hear babies and there were pictures and instructions for "your new baby" everywhere. Chris kept telling me that it must be a sign.  He has been amazing through most of this.  I don't how much more two people can take!

We got 12 eggs.  The staff at the hospital was great and really put my fears to rest.  I am pretty sore still today.  I had planned to return to work today, but am just not feeling up to it.  We will find out today just how many fertilized.  Since they do ICSI on all of the eggs, I hope that we will get almost all of them to fertilize.  We will also find out if we will have a day 3 or day 5 transfer today as well.

I thought the weeks leading up to this were hard... the next 2 1/2 are going to be terrible!  I will have to keep myself nice and busy.  :-)

Starting down the IVF path...

We've started down the IVF road. It has all happened so fast. I called the new RE on January 2nd. They were able to get us in for a consult on January 8th. My period showed on January 9th. Baseline on January 11th... Here we go!

It is scary. IVF was always the last resort...something we knew was always an option. Yet, here we are at that point. It think it has been good that things have moved so fast. I haven't had the time to think about everything and obsess about every little detail.

We have a great new RE, and have been very pleased with the new office. The insurance has been manangeable, but has taken some time to deal with. As longs as we follow their rules, they eventually tell us what we want to hear.
So I started stims last night. We are on 3 amps of Gonal-F, more than I have ever been on. I am a little concerned about getting hyperstimulated, but I am putting my faith in the RE. My meds finally made it here today, although I have the "stash" from previous cycles.

We go back on Friday to see how things are going. I know that I need to increase my water intake and add some gatorade as well. I can't believe all of the meds it is going to take to get pg... but it will all be worth it in the end.
at least that is what I keep telling myself...

Final Treatment Cycle of 2003

Well, we are on to another cycle.  AF took her sweet time getting here.  In fact, I had started the prometrium to force her arrival when she showed up on her own.  I played phone tag with the RE's office all day, but was able to talk with them this morning.  (they are open on weekends...what a concept!)  I will go in for baseline tomorrow morning and we will go from there.  The plan is to move on to injections once again this cycle and see how I react.  I am hoping this final cycle of 2003 will be the final one ever. 

We were very hopeful that we could get pg last cycle, a natural cycle, like everyone else.  That is just not meant to be.  I really thought I would be pregnant by now.  In four short months, I will be 29.  I fear I will not be a mother before I am 30.  So many tell me that I am still young, but I know that my eggs aren't getting any younger and that time is ticking for us already.  Chris turned 30 last May.  Another milestone passed without success.

We did get some really good news... our insurance is changing after the first of the year.  We will now have coverage to attempt an IVF.  When we started this journey, both of us didn't think we would go that far.  Here we are.  We will have to change REs, which makes me very sad.  However, we have always been told that we have a GREAT chance of getting pg on our first IVF.  We only get four chances total. 

Good News

Well we made it through the HSG. It was not easy, and the RE had a terrible time getting things to work. My cervix appears to be very stubborn, and would not cooperate with the catheter. It took three tries and an instrument to pinch my cervix to get it to work. The worst part was the muscle spasms I had in my legs. I could hardly walk afterwards!

The good news is that everything is CLEAR. Both tubes are good. The right side was the first to fill with fluid, which was a HUGE releif due to my ectopic last year.

My cervix was pretty irritated and I had some mild cramping afterwards. The bleeding continued for the rest of the afternoon.

After the procedure, the RE told us that we can get pg naturally this cycle... as if it were that easy! :-) We are happy and will do our best this cycle on our own.

I start using the OPKs tonight. Man, those things are hard to read. I really hope that I do indeed O on my own and that we can get pg like everyone else. That just might make this all worth it!

In most ways, I am ecstatic to know that my tubes are clear. That is one more thing that is perfect. The bad part is that we still don't know WHY I can't get pg. Everything is working now. All we need is time, I guees. I am just tired of waiting.